Sex After Rape/CSA

LucyLou

Learning
Has anyone gone on to have a normal/happy s*x life after r*pe and/or s*xual ab*se?
I went from being hypersexual in my 20's to the complete opposite now, in my 30's. I can honestly say if I never had s*x again, I'd be happy....but I know s*x in a relationship is important. The thing is, I'm seeing someone now and he's been staying over, he's a good guy....but I still don't want to. I feel my whole body tense up and I stay as still as possible, so I don't wake him up because I don't want him to try anything.....because even though I don't want to, I'd always go along with it because I'd feel bad for saying no. The same with if he were to do something that hurt me, although I know he'd probably stop, I wouldn't say anything about it and just let it carry on. I know this doesn't sound like a healthy relationship but it's all on me and I don't know how to fix it. I don't even know if I'd be comfortable speaking to my therapist about this.
People will probably tell me to talk to him too but I can't. I don't want him to know any of the crap.
 
I know this doesn't sound like a healthy relationship but it's all on me and I don't know how to fix it.
For me personally sex has been the hardest nut to crack when dealing with my symptoms. Unfortunately the only way out is through, which means communication about sex is absolutely necessary. If you can't communicate about sex with your friend, you cannot realistically expect your relationship to survive.
I don't even know if I'd be comfortable speaking to my therapist about this.
Talking to your therapist about your sex problems is the necessary first step to change and improvement.
People will probably tell me to talk to him too but I can't. I don't want him to know any of the crap.
Well, you're here talking to us about it, so you CAN do it. He can't help you with things he knows nothing about. Many of us started very small and gave our therapist notes to read. For example, you could print out what you wrote above and let him read it.
 
. I don't even know if I'd be comfortable speaking to my therapist about this.
I am hugely hugely uncomfortable talking about it with my therapist. But when I have: it helps.
Are there ways to make this conversation better? Maybe start it by exploring how talking about it makes you feel and setting boundaires with your T about it? So that you feel in control of where the conversation goes and you can stop talking about it if you need to.
People will probably tell me to talk to him too but I can't. I don't want him to know any of the crap.
I mean, take everything I say as someone who is navigating all this herself and has a lifetime of not talking about anything to anyone. So I'm learning ..
But what I do is talk to my partner about some of it but not all of it. Partly due to my shame and also due to not wanting to upset her.
Maybe you can talk to him about some of it or start the conversation at least? It will help.
If you're anything like me, diving in and saying everything might feel like an absolute no no.

I understand engaging in sex when you have no desire but other things (obligation, expectation etc) make you overide that. It isn't healthy.
What I have found is that if I have sex for other reasons other than desire, then it's difficult. So it becomes a difficult cycle.
Working with a therapist about this will really help.
 
I can only imagine how difficult this may be for you. Talking to your therapist is a step in the right direction. Have you been able to forgive the individual? This is part of the healing process. Holding back your feelings from your partner will not strengthen the relationship because things are eventually going to surface which will cause a strain on the partnership. A man who truly loves his woman will want to help her get through anything no matter what it is. Will this trauma go away eventually? Yes, but you are going to have to reframe your thinking.

This may not be a very good comparison, but it is easy to understand. Think of an alcoholic or a drug addict who wants to stop abusing substances. Even though they may stop, the issues are still entrenched in the psyche (thinking, self-talk, feelings, emotions, soul). Everything we do is based upon our thinking and we tend to believe what we think whether it is true or not. When temptations or faulty thinking occurs, we need strategies to change or reframe our thinking.

Even though you are a victim of this terrible act, you do not have to be a victim for the rest of your life. Unfortunately, the mind keeps the trauma alive by constantly thinking about it. It wants to ruminate by trying to figure out why it happened. The mind will
continue to problem solve because that is what it has been trained to do. The more you think about the trauma, the more you will think about it. This constant thinking becomes energized and captures all of your attention. It takes you over and you become a slave to the incessant thinking.

Has your therapist provided strategies to help you manage the trauma? Talking about it is important, but there comes a time when you choose no longer to stay a victim. We may not be able to control what happens to us, but we do have control over how we handle it.
The way you think is holding you back from moving forward. Since we are guided every day by our thinking, we have to make sure that we have the best and most productive thoughts.

Here are some strategies that I use to help with managing my issues.
Always be aware of my thinking and self-talk.
If a nagging or disturbing thought pops up, I will just notice it
I will not entertain or engage with the thought as this will only give it more power over me.
I will leave it alone and it will go away on its own.

When I think and have self-talk, it is always uplifting. If I want to feel good, then I have to think good! "I love myself too much to allow this to control my life." I am not going to allow what happened in the past to ruin my future." I love myself and I am going to make my thinking and self talk..... my allies." "I choose to have uplifting thoughts." "I am resilient, and I can get through anything." "I am a fighter, and nothing is going to keep me down." "My life is in the future and not in the past."

Have you tried meditation? It helps you to refocus and stay calm during overwhelming periods. (lots of resources on the internet?
There is a book called The Power of Now by Eckert Tolle. It helps us to understand why we are enslaved to our thinking and what we can do to change it.

People change their lives by changing their thinking.
I know that things are going to get better for you, and you have to believe that too!
 
Has anyone gone on to have a normal/happy s*x life after r*pe and/or s*xual ab*se?
I went from being hypersexual in my 20's to the complete opposite now, in my 30's. I can honestly say if I never had s*x again, I'd be happy....but I know s*x in a relationship is important. The thing is, I'm seeing someone now and he's been staying over, he's a good guy....but I still don't want to. I feel my whole body tense up and I stay as still as possible, so I don't wake him up because I don't want him to try anything.....because even though I don't want to, I'd always go along with it because I'd feel bad for saying no. The same with if he were to do something that hurt me, although I know he'd probably stop, I wouldn't say anything about it and just let it carry on. I know this doesn't sound like a healthy relationship but it's all on me and I don't know how to fix it. I don't even know if I'd be comfortable speaking to my therapist about this.
People will probably tell me to talk to him too but I can't. I don't want him to know any of the crap.
Hi LucyLou! Yes but it took decades. The hyper sexuality is also a trauma symptom and many rape victims go through this, from what I know. I used to do what you do, with every guy I dated. I would lie there and dissociate and wish it would be over already. Talk therapy did NOT help me with feeling safe in my body in any shape or form. What did help me heal was EFT and sound therapy (tuning forks/ Biofield Tuning) and also reiki and somatic techniques like 'shaking' (actually shaking helped me so much, but was so hard at first because of all the armouring). The other things that helped me feel safe in my body were having craniosacral massages by a female therapist that I trust. And one thing that sounds weird, but that has been life-changing in a good way is rebounding on a trampoline. I was absolutely terrified of being suspended in mid air, I would think I would die. It was really triggering but after a few days I started to LOVE it and it gave me so much confidence. Anyways. I hope you find ways to heal. You deserve to enjoy sex. I am sorry this happened to you. Please know that you're not alone and that you can heal.
 
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