Childhood Sex Repulsion & Spiritual Abuse?

Crying Lady

New Here
I have no idea how to start. When I was super young and whenever I showed some type of curiosity towards sex or the male genitals my mother would get mad and me and yell at me. For an example she's watching a movie or a commercial comes on and something very suggestive shows up I didn't mean to stop and look but I did and she would yell at me then I would feel shameful.

There were other incidents. I remember the time when I was 8, I think I was eight and I finished taking a bath. I think most of my clothes were dirty so I put on a pair of shorts I had on and my sister said I was "Fast" a term that was using when I was growing up it means a woman who's promiscuous. I got sad and said I was not I was upset that my older sister turned on me. There was another situation when I was 12 and I was using a water gun to play with the neighbor guy we was staying at because my mother got kicked out of a house we were living in when she came back from getting groceries she was mad and yelled at me that I was being fast. She made me felt so gross and to this day it has effected me when it comes to dating I have told my past therapist this. I was so scared of dating a guy and coming home to introduce him to my dad and sister and they would tell me how fast I was being and that I was being a slut and how I should focus on better things.
for years I was so scared of that.

This is a minor incident but I can never forget this. I was probably 13 and I was visiting relatives on my dad's side one of my cousins had some kind of medical book and I was looking through it and stop at a page showing a penis my sister was there with me and said in a negative way "You would look at something like that" which is weird because she'd always had some type of fixation about sex. If that's the right word for it. I am not very religious that's most likely due to my upbringing, For years I have always heard from so many women including my sister that sex is only for after you get married because it's the right thing to do or what God wants which I later realized that this is triggering for me.

I had grew up in an environment were sex was kind of used like a weapon but I hear talk a lot about how they want grandkids then I get repulsed because I never wanted kids. My mother never wanted daughters for some stupid reason and growing up with her abusive ass she always targeted me and accused me of trying to sleep with adults. I always hear a lot from people, like co-workers or peers how they never want to have a daughter and I have a good guess as to why this is also very triggering for me and makes me deeply upset because hearing this type of talk growing up as a child made me thought I was bad because I was born a girl and it made me thought all girls were lesser beings because they were girls sometimes when I hear this I wish everyone would burn and people have acid thrown on their genitals. Now, I have an aversion towards sex I cannot stand sex and nudity in movies or shows and I don't believe that I will be able to ever sex at all but this doesn't bother me much.

I never told anyone this beside very few people this includes my therapist but I have only told her a tiny part of it. I still have a fixation about the male body I have since I was 15 I think that's when I had a "sexual awaking" I am sharing this small detail because I feel like it is an important piece and sometimes people get worried.

Well, this isn't all of my story but it's what I was in the mood to talk about.
 

Madwomeninabox

Confident
I told my therapist once that I think about sex all the time. It feels like all I ever think about. The amount I think about this can't be normal. I think about it more then everyone else around me.

She said are you sure that is true? Or are all your sexual thoughts in bold rainbow colored print.
Because sexual things have been shamed your entire life.
So now when you have a thought. it stands out so much more than any of your other thoughts.

I had a different reaction than you did. But I get it. When every time you show any interest in anything sexual. And your mocked or put down or yelled at. It can really mess with you.
It makes everything sexual feel huge in your head. It feels dirty and like your bad in some way "being Fast" for me it was "being an abomination" I told myself that a lot.
 

Teamwork

MyPTSD Pro
Time to form your own truths to help you get down to what you believe as opposed to what others believed for their own benefit. I experienced a lot of similarities and come to find out this helps caregivers protect you when they themselves were terrified of either sexual abuse or harm towards girls. It isn’t right. When religion gets mixed into it they get to use what they think is a higher authority so that you get a double dose of fear. Unfortunately for us who experienced this we have to deconstruct their thinking, and ways and develop our own, while at the same time healing everything in between that went with it.
 
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