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Sexual Assault Sexual Advances At Work

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jadebear

I'm not sure where I should be posting things here....

Anyway, at work, there was this manager that was making advances towards me, he even walked up behind me and pulled me in towards his groin. I went to a different shift and don't even see him anymore at all. I didn't want to turn him in because I thought I wouldn't be believed, so I thought it was best to just stay away from him.

Now, another manager, which is in his 20's, is constantly always there it seems, talking to me, popping up behind me, looking at my chest, etc. He even tried to get me to stay in the back stock room with him one day. I can see where he is heading with this.

What am I doing wrong? I'm not flirtatious, I dress modestly, heck, I don't even wear makeup to work. I feel like I wear a big sign that says "whore"....
 
Please stop this pattern of destructive thinking.. It's not you that's doing anything, it's their actions! They come on to you and that is their action, you are not requesting it. Maybe you are an attractive woman, but that is in no way a fault and is nothing to be ashamed of.
First of all, please try to stay safe. Secondly, try not to panic. Maybe what you see in this last manager is not an intention, but maybe admiration. Try telling him in a calm and relaxed manner that you feel bothered by the way he looks at you and he should stop. Take it from there, see how he behaves after.
Plese let us know how it's going and stay strong!
 
Please stop this pattern of destructive thinking.. It's not you that's doing anything, it's their actions!

I always automatically think I have done something wrong to cause things. It's not so easy to stop thinking that way.

Thanks for your advice. I can't imagine ever telling the manager how I feel and that he should stop. What if it's just my imagination?
 
Hi Jadebear, I moved your thread to this general discussion area. It is my fault you may be unsure where to post because I have not finished writing the forum descriptions (hopefully, it will be completed later today).

You haven't done anything wrong to cause his behaviour. It's not your imagination. If you feel uncomfortable, you feel uncomfortable. These are your feelings and his actions that are making you feel this way. He may be your manager, but that doesn't give him the right to intimidate you. Try to be a little more assertive and stand up for yourself. Tell him exactly what he does that makes you feel uncomfortable. In his 20's he will be probably embarrassed and stop doing it. If not keep notes of dates, times and his behaviour, and take it to His boss.
 
I know it's not easy to stop, but just try as hard as you can. It is difficult, but not impossible. And if you need it, I am here to remind you :)
If you don't get defensive when you talk to him, but keep a calm tone, it's a high possibility that he won't reply in an agressive manner (I mean verbally) and won't make you feel embarrased. And if he does, there's a question mark.
If you tell him in a polite manner that you sometimes feel embarraced to be around him and he tells you it's nothing he meant to do, it will ease your mind and help you. There's no shame in being mistaken, either. But wouldn't you rather know this for sure?
 
I know I need to stand up for myself. I should have spoke up when we were in the back stock room together and he was trying to get me to stay in there with him. Or I should have the times he has walked out to my car with me after work. Or all the times he is looking at my boobs when he's talking to me. I'm afraid by not speaking up, I'm giving the wrong signals. Yet I'm afraid to speak up.

Actually I have thought about getting a breast reduction because I hate my boobs so much. I feel they draw too much attention to me. They're pretty large for my body size and they make me feel like I look like a whore. They make me feel like it's my own fault men act the way they do. I know women pay alot of money to have what I have , but I just don't like having them at all. Sorry for getting off topic.....
 
I feel like I wear a big sign that says "whore"....
Being attractive or appealing is not wrong, nor is it your fault. It is not the responsibility of a female to control themselves when horny males who don't understand or respect boundaries, or NO, can't acknowledge these things. What Nyx said:
Please stop this pattern of destructive thinking.. It's not you that's doing anything, it's their actions!


These are your feelings and his actions that are making you feel this way.
What CB said... stop taking responsibility for others actions. Own what you own, place blame and other emotions with their rightful owner.

Say NO... don't be scared, just tell the male who stalks around you to not get in your personal space, that they are offending you and you feel harassed by them doing such. If they don't get that message clear instantly, then smack them round the side of the head if necessary, report it to a superior, if they don't listen, report it higher until someone does... kick em in the nuts, whatever you have to do, but don't take sexual harassment period. What are they going to do if you kick them in the balls? Report you for them sexually harassing you? Just like these very predators use against females, females can use against these predators, its called proof. Without admission there is no proof. I'm not an avid fan of people outright lying, but hey... if a dick is going to harass you then deny they did it, its good enough for you to deny kicking them in the balls and that they must also be making it up to cause you hassle or get your sacked.

Sorry... but I think more females should give back to a predator what the predator attempts on them. Ignorance is not always a good solution, and if heirachy don't listen, you must take control of you. They either learn to back-off and respect you, or they endup hurt and in a ball on the floor.
 
Actually I have thought about getting a breast reduction because I hate my boobs so much.
They're pretty large for my body size and they make me feel like I look like a whore.
Sorry for getting off topic.....

Hey Jadebear,
I again relate to what you said. I high school I used to bandage my boobs when going to school, so they wouldn't show. Used to wear really large clothes and so on. My breasts made me feel cheap. And that is because boys would call me Big Boobs and other names like that. It took time to realize I was again taking on thoughts and values that are not mine. They were the pigs that couldn't see that those breasts had a body, a face and a mind attached to them, and I let them do that. But not anymore. I know now that these 'values' are not mine: big breasts don't make you cheap/a whore or anything else. Your body endowments are your body endowments period. They are not a personality trait, they are just physical aspects of you. They cannot make you act in certain way, only you can make you act or react. Accept the fact that you are a woman. Accept your body and sexuality. They are yours. The way others react to them is THEIR problem, not yours. Keep telling yourself you cannot be responsible for how others act, but you can be responsible for yourself by reacting and standing up for yourself.
Please don't mutilate yourself because some of the men are pigs and can't control themselves! Like Anthony said: take control, act upon them. That will really enable you to live with yourself peacefully. And it's important to get to that point, because you're the only one person you have to live with your whole life.

Do take care.
 
I have been in your shoes Jadebear to the point of having been threatened with losing my job if I didn't have sex with the dirty old man who was my boss and, once, when travelling to a country store he asked me what would I do if he told me that unless I had sex with him he would leave me in the middle of the bush?

There is a lot more to the story like he making me rip off my acrylic nails in the car on the basis that they didn't make me look hard working and on my first day of my promotion he told me I created too much attention having my hair down and out as too many men looked at me in the tea room....I was then publicaly humiliated when they tried to correct the rumors which were going around as, while he admitted to it all, he told lies about it while I was sworn to keeping my mouth shut by very senior management.

One of the highest ranking bosses said to me that I didn't want to wreck a man's marriage and ruin his superannuation entitlements and guilted me into a position where this dirty old man kept his job, package, company car and I was the one treated as the trouble maker and shoved away to hide - losing all the career potential I had.

The biggest mistake I ever made and will never make again is not standing up and fighting to be treated with respect and dignity. I sold myself out for the sake of a dirty old man's marriage and retirement fund. Never again! Don't let these men destroy yourself by allowing them to treat you like an object. You are a beautiful person and I hope you never call or think of yourself as a whore again. You are right, a lot of women pay money to have what you have (some to get male attention) but don't let that sterotype drag you to a depth undeserving of the nice person you are.

It is hard but I will say that there is a lot to start saying politely what is and is not acceptable. If polite doesn't work then you have to take a firmer line. Easier said than done but I would give anything to go through what I went through with this dirty old man as I am now as I would never allow any of that rot and would never have put my interests second to his stupid marriage and 20+ years of good service to the company. Who knows how many other women he may have abused his position with.

To me the thing in your favor is that society is more accepting to sexual harassment and don't sweep it under the carpet like they did to me some 13 years ago. You are the only person who can protect you and set the boundaries of what is and is not acceptable. It took me way too long to realize this and I hope you find the courage to do what is right for you and stuff the men who treat you like an object.
 
LOL anthony, you're so blunt it makes me laugh. Kicking him in the nuts sounds like a good idea. And you're right, he's not going to report me for it when he's the one in the wrong. Instead of being upset and worried about this guy all the time, I should just take care of it and be done with it. I don't think it's going to get any better, probably just worse. I shouldn't let it go any further.

Nyx, the things you say are true. The way others react to my boobs is their problem, not mine. But the way I react to them is my problem. It goes way back to when I was very young and didn't even have any yet. They were still fascinating to my dad. He would make me take my shirt off at the dinner table and I had to sit like that while eating. So just having boobs at all feels humiliating to me, the fact that they're so large makes it harder to deal with. Maybe that's something I need to work on with my T....

Nicolette, thanks for sharing what happened to you. So you understand the humiliation and frustration. And now you regret not standing up and fighting to be treated with respect and dignity. I guess I never thought of it as a "respect" or even "dignity" thing, I was only thinking in terms of what I did wrong to cause it. They aren't being respectful...yet I'm supposed to be because I'm down lower on the food chain....
 
That's a sad story there. But it's in the past. Now you are safe. And have boobs. So maybe you should try accepting them as part of yourself.
I don't really know what to say, just wanted to let you know i hear you.
 
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