Sexual attraction (contains sexual content, though not explicit)

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Though heterosexual, I have never been attracted to naked women. I remember times kids would sneak their fathers' Playboy magazines and go crazy over the centerfolds. I was unmoved.

I could never understand that. I knew there was sexual abuse. I have certain feelings and dreams that lead me to believe there may've been abuse that was violent, or at the very least, included the threat of violence. However the abuse I specifically remember, that has shaped me in a huge way, was of an adult female who regularly kissed me as if I were an adult. That kissing, and the elements surrounding it, led to certain predilections that I find very sexually stimulating. But I still never understood why I wasn't naturally wired like the rest of the kids. In other words, I understood where the unique desires came from, but I had no clue why I didn't have normal desires too.

Then just recently I realized what had happened. The natural attraction that would've developed never did, because my unconscious mind decided it was unnecessary. My unconscious mind crossed normal, natural sexual attraction off its to-do-list, because it had already found sexual attraction in the abuse.

It feels good to understand that. Like most of my discoveries, it doesn't really help fix me. However it does give me some peace-of-mind.
 

Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
IDK, it helped fix me? I'm not fixed. But I didn't "know there had been abuse." There is quite a bit still I don't remember.

But I started with, why did I want to do that? or rather, things started when I got to "someone must have taught me to do that."

Which of course, someone had.
 

grit

MyPTSD Pro
Thank you for sharing your story in such delicate way. I find personally the word fixing is hard one to swallow... But we are all different. I had similar sexual inappropriate as a child but my perception is I enjoyed as a child but I am repulsive as an adult and feeling both and being compassionate about learning things in perversion way as a child and being curious about my journey helps me integrate and close the gap.
A lot children boundaries are crossed some harsher than the other but for me being creative in my understanding and learning developmental phases helped me greatly.
Thank you again. Your words were gentle and yet profound for me.
 

Catlovers141

Confident
If you were to switch all the gender pronouns in your original post, you would describe my situation perfectly.
Glad to know I'm not alone.

The way I think of the unconscious "crossing sexuality off its list" is that at a young age we learned to associate sex with trauma and danger. Our minds want us to avoid danger, so maybe if danger is associated with sexuality, our mind doesn't allow us to develop sexually in those ways (attraction, etc.).
 

Mee

MyPTSD Pro
I don’t think not being stimulated by nudity is that unusual , or even something that necessarily requires being fixed.

I am female and have never felt stimulated by nudity or any genuine arousal not bourne out of affection first. ( demisexual). When I first explained this to my therapist she said ‘so you are ... normal ...then?’ It made me giggle, before we launched into s longer topic. But it did sort of place that sex as a communication of affection of love in a safe , emotionally secure environment is almost a taboo that needs a name like demisexual when ...it is kind of what was aimed for as normal.


On a really visual basis, strippers supposedly aren’t sexy because of nudity but because of the Undressing. The tease. If you do separate love from sex that’s still telling.

Centrefolds are merely objectifications. It’s not abnormal to not be stimulated by that. Nor is it abnormal to be physically stimulated by the purely physical.
 

Catlovers141

Confident
I don’t think not being stimulated by nudity is that unusual , or even something that necessarily requires being fixed.

I am female and have never felt stimulated by nudity or any genuine arousal not bourne out of affection first. ( demisexual). When I first explained this to my therapist she said ‘so you are ... normal ...then?’ It made me giggle, before we launched into s longer topic. But it did sort of place that sex as a communication of affection of love in a safe , emotionally secure environment is almost a taboo that needs a name like demisexual when ...it is kind of what was aimed for as normal.


On a really visual basis, strippers supposedly aren’t sexy because of nudity but because of the Undressing. The tease. If you do separate love from sex that’s still telling.

Centrefolds are merely objectifications. It’s not abnormal to not be stimulated by that. Nor is it abnormal to be physically stimulated by the purely physical.

This is something I have been struggling to understand and that you touched on in your post: if sex is about communicating affection, what explains hook-ups?
This whole topic feels very complicated to me and I've been trying to wrap my head around it for some time.
 

Mee

MyPTSD Pro
This is something I have been struggling to understand and that you touched on in your post: if sex is about communicating affection, what explains hook-ups?
This whole topic feels very complicated to me and I've been trying to wrap my head around it for some time.

Sex can be about communicating affection.

If we say it is always I think it’s a bit reductive. But, to go with that for now, then hook ups could be temporary stop gaps for affection and gratification that allow also avoidance of the complicated emotional stuff. The rush with out the responsibility. The endorphins without the compromises or self discipline.

Or, they could just be fun. I would say it depends on context and individuals.
 
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