Sexual trauma response?

ktg1

New Here
From the time I was just barely 14, to the time I was a week away from turning 17, 4 months ago, my boyfriend forced me into MANY sexual activities. I couldn’t get out of it, he’d threaten me and it was always his word over mine. But the last time he did it was the worst and I decided to finally stick up for myself and end things and take all my proof I had and saved it. But recently, 4 1/2 months later, It is the hardest it’s ever been. When he’d do it to me, I’d be thinking about when it would be over, but now, all I can think about is what happened in those moments.

i have always been a sexual person, but the more he did it to me, the more sexual I’d feel. I’m not sure why? But that’s the way it is. And now that it’s over, I over sexualize myself and masturbate a lot, and sleep around and let people use my body.

^The most terrible part about that, is whenever I’m doing whatever it may be, masturbating or sex or anything like that, I think of him, and the things he’d do to me, and I’d get off to it. Not that I LIKE it, but I just think about if I could get off to it now, maybe I could move on from it and finally get my life back. But after I do it, I feel so gross and dirty and disgusting. I regret it instantly. Its the opposite ending than what I wanted to happen. It’s not that I find it attractive, because that is not okay to do to someone. But sometimes I just wish I had said yes, so that maybe it wouldn’t be so aggressive and maybe it could have turned me on. It’s not like I mean to think about it, it’s just the only thing I can think of when I’m doing something sexual. Because he had done everything possible to me, so when it happens, or I feel a certain pain or feeling, he gave me, I think of it, and then it turns into me enjoying it, when I know I said no, and I didn’t want it. I never enjoyed it, but when I touch myself or let someone else touch me, and I think about him and what he did to me, I hope that maybe this time, I’ll like it. but I feel so gross afterwards and I have no clue how to fix it, how to change this thought process. I feel crazy and f*cked up in the head.

Nobody would do anything to help me, even after seeing evidence I had. The police didn’t help. I will never get my justice. I want my life back. I don’t want to keep imagining these things and enjoying these terrible things that he did to me. He stole my innocence, my life. And I’m not sure how to get it all back. I am f*cked.

Please tell me that I am not crazy. I don’t know if this is a normal thing to feel or do after trauma but if anyone feels this way and can relate, or someone has any opinions, please reach out and let me know. Thank you.
 

Movingforward10

MyPTSD Pro
You're not crazy at all.
If you want to read some of the threads here,you'll see many people grappling with the same things you are.
It's incredibly emotionally painful. But it won't always be like this.
.what I find inspiring about what you write , is your insight into yourself. You should be immensely proud that you saw your worth, you got out, you tried to get justice and told the police (very brave,). And here you are exploring the impact of what happened to you and the coping behaviours now.

Very very common to act out trauma. I did too, though I had no awareness at the time. For me, it was trying to feel *something*. More and more extreme to try and feel. But, it can get better.

Do you have a therapist?
 

ktg1

New Here
You're not crazy at all.
If you want to read some of the threads here,you'll see many people grappling with the same things you are.
It's incredibly emotionally painful. But it won't always be like this.
.what I find inspiring about what you write , is your insight into yourself. You should be immensely proud that you saw your worth, you got out, you tried to get justice and told the police (very brave,). And here you are exploring the impact of what happened to you and the coping behaviours now.

Very very common to act out trauma. I did too, though I had no awareness at the time. For me, it was trying to feel *something*. More and more extreme to try and feel. But, it can get better.

Do you have a therapist?
Thank you for your words. That helped me more than you’d think. I had a therapist, but after it happened, and police didn’t help, I gave up on everything and decided therapy wasn’t gonna help. So I just ended it with her. I’ve been thinking of trying a different one, not sure though.
 

Survivor3

MyPTSD Pro
I'd try and get another therapist, it would be beneficial to have professional support. Like @Movingforward10 said, it's very common to act out trauma and keep putting ourselves in similar situations. Eg, "that was really bad - alright, I'll go and do that instead, even though that's really bad aswell".

Out of the frying pan and into the fire.

What's your support network like? Friends/family?
 

ktg1

New Here
I'd try and get another therapist, it would be beneficial to have professional support. Like @Movingforward10 said, it's very common to act out trauma and keep putting ourselves in similar situations. Eg, "that was really bad - alright, I'll go and do that instead, even though that's really bad aswell".

Out of the frying pan and into the fire.

What's your support network like? Friends/family?
I’m glad to hear that. Yeah I think that it’d be smart to get a different one.

I have a friend but it’s just hard because she doesn’t really get it. But she’s pretty supportive of me and what I do to cope and stuff. I just don’t feel comfortable enough to share these things with her. And I’ve told my brother about how he did those things to me, but it’s not like he gets it either. & he’s not sure how to help. It’s just like kinda lonely, hence why I come on here yknow?
 

Survivor3

MyPTSD Pro
Yeah I understand. I only have 3 friends that I see once a week at a walking group but having a counselor really helps.
 

ktg1

New Here
Yeah I understand. I only have 3 friends that I see once a week at a walking group but having a counselor really helps.
I’m not sure I agree, I think that I’m not fit for going to counseling, I’m better at being the counselor. Yknow ? It’s just hard for me to talk to someone who is paid to listen. I’m sorry. i have socials if you ever need someone to talk to. I could give you my number or socials so you can call or text me. <3 I’m always here to listen and try to help as much as possible
 

Movingforward10

MyPTSD Pro
Therapy has helped me. But, it's hard going.
What's the challenge of someone being paid to listen (support)?

If therapy isn't something you want to do at the moment, there are other things. Lots of books out there to try and change behaviour and work through things on your own.
 

ktg1

New Here
Would it help to reframe this? A good therapist isn't charging you money so that you can talk to them for 45 minutes, they're charging you for their learned skills at being able to help you overcome things that are making your life harder than it needs to be?
I guess that is true. That’s a better way to look at it
 
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