Sexual Assault Sexually assaulted by a friend. need guidance on how to deal with this now.

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baconburger

So this happened a couple of weeks ago at a larger party of friends. Our main group consists of a few couples who have all known each other for several years. A lot of drinks were involved and at one point I passed out; I woke up with a feeling something wasn't right, a male friend lying behind me, and my bra unfastened. I got up and went to the room my SO and I were staying in and fell asleep again.

The next morning proper it came back to me the memory of being mostly asleep, probably still very drunk, and hands (a hand ?) groping me all around my torso. I remember heavy breathing and the sensation of trying to move away from something.

Obviously my memory of the event isn't terribly clear but I remember having to stop in the washroom on the way to the room to close my bra. I remember the feeling of hands on me.

I ran through in my head how I would try to tell my SO, ran through a list of my friends I'd call to at least try and talk it out first, and just couldn't bring up the courage to talk to someone about it. I thought it would be easier to just put it in a box and forget about it. The fallout of breaking the news seemed as scary as the event itself.

This Friday after some drinks and one of those late night conversations about the more 'serious' topics in life, I broke it to a mutual friend. I'd had no intention of it and he's talked me through it to the point where it's apparent I need to bring this out.

I'm terrified of putting it out there. I have spoken to the person who assaulted me once via text and one brief exchange. I carried on with agreeing to social plans as normal. I couldn't bring myself to message him myself but if I hadn't responded it felt like I would have been 'found out'.

He's married and in our friend group they are both good friends of mine (or one still is?) and all I can see is how this could destroy their marriage; I'm ruining the friend group; some of our friends may not believe me and I'll be labelled forever.

My friends who do know are being wonderfully supportive and I know academically I should have said something sooner. I experience anxiety and have undergone depression in the past, part of it for me is that personal confrontations and changes in the world around me really set off my anxiety.

I'm angry that I have to deal with this and I'm now wearing the burden of what he did and the impact it will have while he is feeling safe in the assumption that he's gotten away with it. I'm having a hard time reconciling that good friend of mine with what happened.

Sorry this has gotten long. I guess what I'm asking for is advice on how to tell my SO, and in turn what do I do from there? Tell the wife of the person who did this to me? Tell him I know what he did and we are no longer friends? How do I deal with it if no one else believes me?

I feel totally lost (besides sick to my stomach) and any insight and help would be so appreciated.
 

wishball

Learning
So this happened a couple of weeks ago at a larger party of friends. Our main group consists of a few couples who...
First I'm so sorry to hear what has happened. I believe you. I would strongly recommend that you look up a sexual assault crisis line. Although this forum is wonderful I think you really could benefit from a live voice, and those especially trained in this area. Get help for yourself first then worry about your SO, you can simply tell your SO (which is true) you were in shock and simply froze and didn't know how to bring it up. I hope this helps. Again please reach out to a sexual assault crisis line. Please don't mistaken me for saying not to reach out here. That is fine. But trust me I had to use one of these lines and they have very important skills.
 

Calendula

New Here
I am so sorry that this happened to you.. I hope that you are able to find some clarity soon. I recommend that you find some professional help to process this. Just talking about it out loud can do wonders. The important part is to talk to your close friends and SO when you are ready. Don't feel pressured to tell everyone right away or to keep silent. Do what feels right to you. More importantly, allow yourself to take some time off and to relax. Self-care is important.
 
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