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Shame or Just Embarrassment?

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piratelady

MyPTSD Pro
I have been thinking some more about one of the times I was abused that I call the First Incident. I can’t really talk about it in therapy and when Therapist asked why I told him I was too ashamed. The more I think about it though, I think it’s more embarrassment about the things I did.

I feel like this is a dumb question, so pardon me, but... what’s the difference?
 
I understand shame to be bigger and to have guilt rather than just ‘awkwardness’ and ‘self conscious’ attached to it.

Embarrassing is being uncomfortable being seen and fear of being judged wanting- while shame might be , the fear of what you judge as wanting being clearly seen, and accepted as ‘wrong’ , not a ‘maybe’ .

If I am a bit embarrassed about being caught dirty while working in my yard it might be ego about appearance, Shame might be about feeling the dirt was accrued doing something I should not have been..... ?
 
Sounds about right.....I kinda define shame as a mortifying self-blame for doing something against one's cultural norm (e.g in Japan, hair dying and perms in many conservative school are sometimes seen as a shameful -and disrepectful act against conformity and the cultural rules ). So, many rule followers feel shame when they break the rules. Then there's the shame you have when you have a crappy family (like I could control that one). Then there's shame for outright illegal (rule breaking), or immoral stuff (oh yeah.....actions that bend values all to hell). When I feel shame, I want to hide the cause and not disclose-or if it's out of the bag, run away. Sometimes I've felt shame for feeling a way I think I shouldn't-cause I did or felt something I wish I hadn't-which sometimes sends me the message I'm bad..and THEN compounds all this with the fear of people finding out who I really am (now no one will like or accept me if I tell) cause they'll judge me-and then LEAVE and I have a real need to belong.

Embarrassing is just an "OOPS" moment in time......easier to blow off and forget about. Shame is fed by fear,and in my case, it emotionally snowballs over time .....embarrassment doesn't and sometimes.....after the fact, I can laugh at an embarrassing moment....I'll likely never laugh about a shameful thing I did.
 
Thank you to both of you. I think I’m just more confused about what I feel. I really don’t think it’s shame. I mean if I’m to believe it’s not my fault, which I can understand since I simply did as I was told them I’m not to blame. And really what I did was... not normal, but it could have been worse. So maybe, whatever I do feel about it is fine now.
 
One of the interesting things if you look up the definitions of guilt, shame, & embarrassment?

Guilt = Action or Inaction
Shame = Morality
Embarrassment = Self Image (specifically others perception of that image and the desire to protect that)

So it makes sense that you feel shame about the incident (not that it’s deserved, simply remove all observers and the shame still exists), but add someone else and it brings in fear surrounding what your T will think of you IE embarrassment.

There’s an interesting article about the interplay between those 3 things here >>> The Psychology of Embarrassment, Shame, and Guilt

But more importantly? Knowing there’s an element of embarrassment in play.... whether you really want to protect your image with your T or it’s another of PTSD’s fun :wtf: avoidance mechanisms? It gives you tools to use to come at the problem.
 
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