Shame really sucks right now

MaplePancake

Learning
Hi
l don’t know what l want or need. I guess l just need to get this out to someone. It is hard for me to talk to real life people. I just feel weak. Like l am hardly the only one with my experiences, but others handle themselves so much better and competently. I know comparisons don’t help but I still compare. I am trying. I feel like I have let people down and I hate that feeling I have a young daughter who needs my attention so l am not engaging in any behaviors that could negate my ability to parent. I really want to drink. I have never had an issue with substance abuse in the past, and I am not drinking now. I have never wanted to before. This is a new situation for me. I actually don’t think it is that l want to drink as much as l want to dull the shame somehow. If my concentration was better l could watch tv and get lost in that but l seem to have a ten minute concentration limit. So thank you for listening. Also l am thinking about the people of Florida. For those struggling you are in my heart
 

arfie

MyPTSD Pro
gentle empathy, maple. the low self-esteem, guilt, etc., remain mean demons in my own psycho closet, as well, though they do seem to be easier to beat back to their cages as i gain more proficiency in using my psychotherapy tools to address the symptoms. they work when i work them. are you using any such tools? the bottle is not the only tool available for the job.

adding my prayers to your thoughts for the folks recovering from ian's passing. hope healing happens here.

for what it's worth
praying for other people is one of the therapy tools i use for low-self esteem, etc. it helps to remember that the world is bigger than my strictly personal heartaches.
 

Survivor3

MyPTSD Pro
Hiya @MaplePancake welcome to the site!! I also have had and still struggle with guilt and shame. Also I'm an alcoholic that hasn't drunk or smoked for over 2 years. Booze doesn't help anything my friend. Hope your day improves.
 

Dergrosse

Confident
Like l am hardly the only one with my experiences, but others handle themselves so much better and competently.

Hey @MaplePancake never forget you are the only one with your experiences. The way you interpreted each situation, every event leading up to the situation, and the people involved, etc make up an experience.

Quick sidebar: PTSD cycles by nature, it is possible for a person to do very well for many years and then something happens and they feel like they're back to where they started.

If you'd like, next time you notice yourself making these comparisons, try to switch perspectives. Every feature of the person you feel is superior to you, celebrate it. Celebrate that fact that this person has these features despite having gone through whichever struggles it is that you find comparable. When you're done that, acknowledge the fact that you too can have these features. With the right treatment plan, we may never be perfect, but we can make forward progress.

You may feel like you're weak, but I want to dive into another thing you said, because I'd disagree with that.

I have a young daughter who needs my attention so l am not engaging in any behaviors that could negate my ability to parent.

I hope you recognize just how important this is. Despite how badly you feel and how desperately you want the pain to go away, you've put another person ahead of yourself. We all know, not everyone makes that decision, so if we compare the sober individual that typed the post and the individual that picked up the bottle, I'd say you've proven to have much more strength.
 

Hallowean

Not Active
Hiya @MaplePancake welcome to the site!! I also have had and still struggle with guilt and shame. Also I'm an alcoholic that hasn't drunk or smoked for over 2 years. Booze doesn't help anything my friend. Hope your day improves.
Very true. I'm glad you laid down the booze and cigs. How are you feeling now? It definitely wrecked my marriage...my ex was an alchy. Not a raging alcoholic here but probably a type of one. I've noticed when I drink it can intensify my inner demons, such as if I'm angry about something I will lash out in irrational ways....saying things I don't mean...totally not being my natural self. Trauma in my past can rear it's ugly head at times and after a few beers I am liable to take it out on someone (non violently but verbally...like telling my neighbors dogs to SHUT UP loudly instead of what I normally do, try to avoid them). Thinking with a clear mind is much more productive. I've also been to jail 3 times, all alcohol related over 20 years ago...DUI and 2 AI's. Jail is not fun. So in other words, incase someone else picks up on this, alcohol is definitely not a solution to ease the pain of life....it may even be the worst one.
 
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