ninja
Sponsor
I don't know what my problem is. Today T and I spoke about how close the part who holds the shame is; it doesn't seem to take much for it to take over. We spoke about a memory from when I was 6-7ish--my good friend was bitten by a dog while we were racing each other in the yard--I blamed myself, my parents weren't available to help me deal with the self-blame, and I ended up spiralling into hating myself for needing their help when my friend was the one who was injured. My T affirmed that it's normal for little kids to blame themselves, but she also said it is concerning that I didn't just feel bad about the action but instead went to "I am bad." She was encouraging compassion and mentioned multiple times how close the shame part seems to be.
I don't know where it all came from, but I am ashamed of it.
I think I've always had this shame hole, but I'm pretty sure I've made it worse over the years. I've encouraged it by engaging with it.
This amount of shame would make sense if I had been severely abused, but I wasn't.
Is it possible to be naturally inclined towards shame? I think that might be my problem.
When I try to sit with the question of "why is it there" I just feel ashamed of being weak. And being weak = not being lovable, even though I was loved. Then I just feel fked up.
I don't know.
I don't know where it all came from, but I am ashamed of it.
I think I've always had this shame hole, but I'm pretty sure I've made it worse over the years. I've encouraged it by engaging with it.
This amount of shame would make sense if I had been severely abused, but I wasn't.
Is it possible to be naturally inclined towards shame? I think that might be my problem.
When I try to sit with the question of "why is it there" I just feel ashamed of being weak. And being weak = not being lovable, even though I was loved. Then I just feel fked up.
I don't know.