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PTSD bullets included but not limited to:

-Born to teen mother; 2 months early in ambulance in a blizzard; believe she was trying to get rid of me but it caused birth; she told doctors she was riding a stationary bicycle-don't believe it
-Biological father did a bad heroin deal and the receivers were coming after me to kill me as an infant to get back at him; my parents moved 4 hours away
-my mom tried to kill my bio father with a cast iron frying pan; he ran out the door
-at 2y had an experience that i remember with my mom and a boyfriend fighting; i hid under toilet with a dog-they kept coming in to clean blood off faces and body and left blood around and on a soaked towel-hate the color red, blood triggers me but i deal
-at 3y lived with family; not mother in another state
-4y lived with mother; boyfriends lived with us; different ones
-5yr some memories of friends and kindergarten; my mother met my stepdad. My mother had possible cancer; traveled 3,000 miles by plane alone with layovers but a stewardess helped me, to stay with family for her surgery.
-6y remember teachers and friends at school and church; not a ton of memories but feel they are blacked out but stored. My mother was abusive physically; hitting, kicking,pulling out my hair when swinging me by my long hair against walls or throwing me down flights of stairs, kicking me up them then throwing me down again. she would violently shake me and suffocate me with her hand and pillows. i was locked in my room and only let out to have dinner; which was always a fight and to say goodnight and occasional tv show. the abuse would last from 1-4 hours every day except Christmas and some birthdays or when i was at a friend's house or church or camp. Loved camp and was there for 2 wks every year till teens then 4 wks, 6 wks and 9 wks at 16yrs old; did horsebackriding, sailing, boating, gymnastics. Loved church; was always a lead in plays; tons of fun and nice people; they would pick me up and drop me off and i went frequently which gave me chance to get away along with my friends houses on weekends; at least one night usually a week. Was abused emotionally-constantly- i hate you; wish you were never born, don't look at me like your father, i used to hang you over a toilet to make you stop crying. She would also tickle me til i was crying. was always trying to pass me off to everyone. We were poor so didn't have the greatest or amount of food or quality.
-Had a drowning experience at one point in the ocean; i thought i was going to die and gave up fighting but my mother rescued me and punched out the lifeguard.
-She also almost ran over 3 girls that were pulling my hair on the way home from school; they kept saying they wanted my hair.
-She would get asked for a form of ID at dept stores and would say I have a gun permit; that should work; i thought so-like she was threatening them-drove me crazy
5--15y watched my friends brother get hit by a car-he made it.
-saw a girl get dragged by a motorcycle; think she made it.
-was in a few small car accidents as a child
-hit an artery with a soup can lid; had stitches; blood everywhere
-got one 1/2 my cheek bit off by a dog; told everyone i got hit by a grenade and they believed me ; they had to later put him down cuz he bit 2 other kids bad
-15y- Abuse longer and more severe. Moved to an isolated camp cabin so " the neighbors won't hear you scream when i hit you". Had several head injuries about 15 and sometimes there was blood in my sclera, black eyes-i lied..she threatened to harm people if i told and threatened foster care where they will rape you. your stepdad knows the police so it won't do any good to tell; i'll tell them you are hurting me.
-had neighbors in projects( went back and forth between project apt and cabin of step-dad) would always have to fight them on way to school or home or a doberman wouldn't let go of my heel; was very athletic and the neighbors would make me fight other neighbors to watch
-had a breakin on Christmas eve where they left hunting knives on the counter and went through our underclothes drawers
- an instance of sexual abuse by a friends father
-chased me with her car in a corn field trying to run me over and catch me
- some older neighbors pulled me aside and were throwing knives at me; like magicians at a lady to see if they would hit me
-always, every day afraid of dying from the abuse on my friends and teachers.
-threatened with machete; she would use
- attempted rape i got out of
- a neighbor kept banging on our door saying he was going to kill me but i ran out the front door and hid at a friend's house
-my mother made me call her mommie dearest after that movie
-suicidal; afraid i was gonna snap and lose it big time on my mother
-16yr- ran away; jumped out 3 story window onto boards with nails on them and ran through woods til i came to a house and hid in the snow for about 30 min then knocked on the lady's door; she wanted to call an ambulance; i was all black and blue and had been fighting for over 4hours; she kept trying to strangle me and give me head injuries; pulled a knife on me and threatened to shoot me in my sleep with her gun my head felt 75 pounds and was squishy on top. i called a friend who's mom came and got me-didn't want the hospital cuz of questions and head hurt
-my mother was abusing my stepdad physically too
-promiscuous and suicidal, doing drugs; lots of MJ..
-ran away with 2 friends and the police were chasing us and it was november (cold); broke into high school to stay warm; police came several times and finally caught us as we were running out; swarms of cop cars, went to jail for night and court in am; put on probation for 6months; at first they thought i was a bad teen until my mother threatened to kill the social worker; then they said they'd sign any emancipation forms. The judge said i didn't have to live with her. I gave her 2 wks but she kept at it; I ran away again across country for my senior year to live with family
-first day of school a girl threatened to kill me because her boyfriend was looking at me and people said she will cuz she is a member of the krips or bloods; can't remember which
Great year til graduation; popular and well liked still.
-was in a serious car accident
-my mother said she had cancer and i went back to take care of her but after my friends picked me up at the airport and i called her she said I couldn't stay with her; homeless but remembered a friend's number and called and was able to stay at her house.
-was going to join the Army but didn't want to be a nurse, jump out of a plane or join during a war cuz i felt like i just got out of one; i joined, was sworn in but got out of it cuz they couldn't get me a job they promised in military police-but the guy who was helping me lose 6 lbs for the army like a boyfriend, got jealous when i was with my guy best friend and pulled a machete to my neck and threatened to kill me but my best friend said he'd go after him with others if necessary so he stopped.
- had fun with friends til a friend died on the way to a get together I was having; felt guilty and PTSD hit me full force; had symptoms already but it went real bad. I wasn't ever aloud to cry too much growing up and i just started crying when my friend died and it ruined me.
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I'm so sorry for what you have gone through, it looks like a life time of pain and stress and abuse, I to was born over two months early and the first time my mum held me was a few minutes on Christmas Day. I have been told there are many studies about not bonding with the child when that happens, but mine lasted nearly 48 years ..... Taking it a bit extreme I feel.
My friend committed sucide and my son tried as well and it hurt me so much everything hit me like a brick as well and I have been a mess ever since as well.
If you ever want to talk just pm me or arrange to be in chat together.

Please take care of yourself and I'm so sorry for what you have been through, if I had a magic wand that could take all the hurt away I would so use it on all the people who have been through so much on this site.

Thinking of you

Thank you Sammy I am! You are soooooo sweet to offer such great support. Seriously feel the month in NICU could have affected bonding too, along with my mother having a mental illness of some sort and alcohol, drugs. I had fun always when away from home- these are just ptsd bullets. Did this for therapy, wonder if there's a way to print for therapists so you don't have to go over it over and over. Hoping the diary will take away some symptoms so I can work more and.... So sorry about your friend dying and your son's attempt!!! Some people hit harder than others for some reason. Hugs for you; I try to remember how I have felt when suicidal; not wanting to hurt anyone just get away from pain. I don't think your friend would want you to suffer so bad. I try to focus on the good memories. It's hard. I always want to take away what happened to people too. Wish we could!!!!!!!!!
adult portion Ptsd bullets:
- about 18/19y used ouija board to contact friend with his cousin cuz we moved into his room; got freaked if he was okay; anxiety attack then started to hear a voice- thought him, then a few days, thought demons, then God; had heard the voice one sentence when 15y and when 17y a few sentences-lost it big time- saw pastors, counselor, psychiatrist to figure out if this was schizophrenia-all said no not schizo; ocd without the compulsive, don't know. Serious boyfriend an I broke up. Was extremely suicidal and cutting cuz of symptoms
-suicide attempt; 2 days in ICU then psych hospital for a month; several MRI's, psych testing; Diagnosis: severe PTSD
-worked with extremely violent (was part of goon squad)developmentally challenged men; restraining, trips and activities in car, bathing...they transitioned to community where 2 died; felt they were murdered unintentionally trying to control their behavior; filed for 2 investigations but no charges ever placed as far as i know
-had an experience where i jumped a bed to restrain someone from hurting himself; I thought i wish i could stop him and next thing you know i had jumped the bed and restrained him; got commendations; didn't feel it was me; like someone else
-seeing therapist diagnosis initially MPD but no alters came out to talk so change to PTSD
- school full time, work full time teaching sunday school occasionally; fell asleep driving and totalled my car/concussion, neck injury
-lived with handicapped friend while in school; huge support but she kept almost dying when i was in nursing school
-severe car accident; not my fault; another car totalled
- moved 3000 miles away to run away from PTSD-worked well; area with far less triggers
-rescued drowning man-had stress reaction cuz i had to fight him in his panic and could have drowned but got us to safety
joined MPD/PTSD support group; one member said ignore voices; i tried hard and it helped
-got a job as nurse; exposure to several codes, and car accident assists
-dryer fire while in shower; okay
-stalker left a condom on my porch and cut my phone lines, broke into my house while I was asleep. woke to him standing in my doorway; jumped on me to prevent screaming; i fought back and his beeper fell off; tried to stuff blanket in my throat; attempted rape and murder; finger penetration. i jumped a queen bed from my knees and got away-felt Angels there-he went to jail 7yrs for it and then shipped back to Mexico-problems around mexican men now and sleeping. He also got 2 yrs for attacking a pregnant lady in her shower
-stalked by a neighbor; moved
-car wreck severe
-skydiving injury
-became shark diver and nursing
-stalked by a boyfriend and another man; cancer and other kids at work died; moved to another state far away
-worked with turtles, dolphins, rays, sharks... and as a nurse. Cop roommate caught in my room watching me sleep; trying to hide in my closet
-flood ( had had floods every spring as teen at camp cabin; had to canoe into cabin) cost 20,000 dollars; rats got into my plumbing while i worked at night cuz i wasn't sleeping well at noc
-stalked briefly
-Dog and Grandma died; lost it; me and fiance broke up, several animals died due to pump failures; lost it, cancer kids died; not well; saw counselor; " dissociating from reality" ; severe PTSD
-severe car accident; not my fault; lady had son in back seat who could have been killed; had anxiety reaction
-severe pain; not medicated properly for pain of injury; waiting on tests; surgery to neck "should have been paralyzed" MD said.
-Pain lessened; weed wacking-pain back, epidurals...moved cuz couldn't work
-lost home, lost job from pain and meds, couldn't sleep well cuz another stalker
-moved to live with Grandpa; he helped me and I help him as his health gets worse; shopping, cooking, meds, skin care; thankful to not be homeless
-thought pain demons, witchcraft curse then realized PTSD again I think; somatization. Grounding helps. PTSD with dissociative symptoms like psychotic symptoms
-working very few hours, in school full time and helping grandpa; but need to be able to support myself more or get on disability before he dies and i end up homeless; huge source of anxiety with my dog and cat.
-seeing counselor but he wants to refer me to someone more qualified for EMDR, trauma..
dissociating alot over grandpa being depressed; how come i can so clearly see he needs to walk, get sunshine and change his ways of being a shut in, making doctor's appts too far in advance and walking but I have no clue what to do about me-wish this dissociating/unable to cope with stress pain, fatigue, mist would just go away-i've got to function/no choice right now
Grandpa had a silent heart attack, kidney failure stage 4 and congestive heart failure with fluid in lungs. Been to the hospital for a week. Exhausting. Can't drive well I think I am having too many symptoms. I am so glad he is alive. It sends the ptsd into overdrive. Tooooooo much pressure now.
Grandpa doing better!! Needs more sleep. Need to focus to get back into school. Need less depersonalization. Grounding grounding grounding but so absent minded.
Grandpa is a prick in the morning. Always has been. My grandmother would sleep in til noon to avoid him. I would like to avoid him too but his fricken daily weights in am before breakfast are causing him and me wayyyyyy too much stress. Don't shoot the messenger; doctor's order. Maybe it's the kidneys maybe blood sugar; all I know is I can't deal with this level of stress every day. What to do????
You have been to hell and back over and over. I wish I could sprinkle you with fairy dust...even with all you've suffered, you are a generous and supportive friend/granddaughter. In even the best of circumstances, tending to the needs of an elderly man and his list of conditions is too much for one person. Can you get visiting nurses to help you? What is his prognosis? You need help!!!! I know how difficult it is. Try to hang in there and maybe find a distracting hobby or go for a run to get some endorphins. I can relate to your story. I can't believe I'm still alive. I also went into medicine to help people. I read somewhere that it's common for women who were abused to go into the helping fields. Arghhhh but it's stressful right?? I ended up disabled but work part time. Maybe you should think about applying for SSDI. I'm not sure if you've worked long enough to qualify, but my niece is collecting and she's never worked and is a heroin addict. She lives in Massachusetts and possibly she gets welfare, not SSDI. If you could get some time to yourself, I would recommend you go to your local Health and Human Services agency where you can apply for relief. And I hope you can find a good trauma therapist. I had two prior therapists that helped me stay alive until I found one. I think I'm wearing him out. PTSD is a handful. I like how you call your symptoms bullets.
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