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Relationship She has said will go to therapy for my sake…

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Hi all, this is a sort of venty processing, I welcome your input.

3 year relationship (both female). She comes from a neglectful and chaotic background. She is v functional in all areas except communication and intimacy. She has traits similar to Autism, I’d chalked up our communication issues to this previously.
Last two years no sex. Communication very difficult/ absent from her. She can only say she has a block, and doesn’t know what to do. I’ve never pushed but now realise how deeply sad I feel about our intimacy. Six months ago whilst away she had sex with her ex gf. Says she trusted the ex gf and just “let go”. I wanted therapy together which hasn’t happened. My end point came just before Christmas, I split up, with her saying therapy would be too stressful and me saying there isn’t a way forward. She came back to me to say she would try therapy but it probably won’t work. She thinks her body will never change. She then disclosed for the first time her csa. Completely shocking, she hid it so well. I work in the area of csa…..

She’s currently away and arrives back today so there’s been a gap in the middle of this breakup conversation. I’ve done a lot of soul searching and realised I’ve been sitting in a vaccum understanding that communication is too difficult for her and not seeing the erosion of my own validation through dismissing my emotional and sexual needs. And now I realise what else is going on for her. She also states her nature is fixed and she can’t change. She now repeats she will try therapy for my sake, also says she thinks it’s not safe. I feel I should not accept that we try therapy in this mode.

I am so struggling… It’s confusing that she says she wants to be with me but is sexually switched off. It has been destructive to my MH that we cannot practice communication… It’s mostly silence from her when I’ve brought up my feelings. I feel quite ashamed about having sexual feelings, and needy like I can’t breathe in wanting validation and support from her. She wants me to get over the cheating and accept it was a mistake on her part. I want reassurance and feel quite insecure. And emotional.

I also feel fricking trauma… I work in this area, my last three partners have now disclosed csa to me. What the f*ck. My previous partner also couldn’t feel sexual for the last year of our relationship. This Christmas I’ve felt like quitting my job to get away from trauma, and I’ve found it hard to work when I’m hearing others mirroring my problems…

I feel so angry. It’s too much. She arrives home today. Objectively I understand now more than ever, that she cannot process stress responses from me. When she feels stress her response is to distract herself. And the emotional absence from her amps up the stress and loneliness in me. I have to try and come from a compassionate space…. I mostly feel there is little chance of development in our relationship. I hold a secret hope there is, that this will be a relationship where we grow. But this is mostly wishful thinking. I feel so angry that trauma is so everywhere. I feel so frustrated.

I have flip flopped this Christmas about splitting up. I initially felt v clear that it was the only thing to do. And then I’ve kind of split myself with another part trying to communicate with her and work on repair. And I find it so hard to accept she cannot come to the emotional table….

We have talked about polyamory being a solution for me to get my needs met. I’m into this, but also is it just latching on??
Your feelings are just as valid as hers, even if you’re the “healthy” one. She cheated and there is not an excuse…she felt “safe” so she cheated? Bullshit. Don’t accept behaviors from her that you wouldn’t accept from anybody else. You’re allowed boundaries and dealbreakers, even if your partner is mentally ill. And you are also allowed to be pissed off, sad, or however else you want to feel for as long as you want to feel it.

Has she gotten a diagnosis of PTSD or any kind of treatment individually? Or is she just treatment resistant all around?
I am a sufferer.

I won’t say anything in regards to PTSD, but I do worry that polyamory might not be the solution that you actually need. Yes you can get your sexual needs met elsewhere (perhaps) but if the emotional connection isn’t there, will it really fulfill you? And if you did have the emotional connection with the new person, why hold on to her (your current partner). I just don’t see polyamory as being fulfilling to most people.
Thanks for your reply. No she hasn’t had a diagnosis and she would say she is just fine. She did share with me the other day that talking about stressful things makes her want to vomit. I’m much more clear I need to split up with her.
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