She is avoiding me.

LostPossum

New Here
My ex broke up with me primarily because she lost trust in me and she connected me to her trauma she unfortunately suffered the last year.

She said, "I connect you directly to the negativity of our last year and I can't disconnect you, I have tried."

For context, please check my post history for my first post.

She left me telling me she wanted to be friends, then 2 weeks later took that back (it hurt) and asked for no contact for her to heal. She since then COMPLETELY removed me from her life and even avoids thinking about me. I ran into her sister and she mentioned having a conversation with her the other day about me. My ex mentioned to her that since leaving me she hasn't even thought about me because its painful to think about. This hurt me because I miss her and of course think about her daily. She was diagnosed with PTSD/CPTSD this last year, and yet I feel in a way with how things ended she discarded me similar to painting an individual black with BPD. As well as the devaluation stage with her blaming me for everything despite my efforts for support.

How long can avoidance last? She connects me to her trauma despite my efforts for otherwise, is there anything I can do about that?

Please check my post history for context.

My ex broke up with me primarily because she lost trust in me and she connected me to her trauma she unfortunately suffered the last year.

She said, "I connect you directly to the negativity of our last year and I can't disconnect you, I have tried."

For context, please check my post history for my first post.

She left me telling me she wanted to be friends, then 2 weeks later took that back (it hurt) and asked for no contact for her to heal. She since then COMPLETELY removed me from her life and even avoids thinking about me. I ran into her sister and she mentioned having a conversation with her the other day about me. My ex mentioned to her that since leaving me she hasn't even thought about me because its painful to think about. This hurt me because I miss her and of course think about her daily. She was diagnosed with PTSD/CPTSD this last year, and yet I feel in a way with how things ended she discarded me similar to painting an individual black with BPD. As well as the devaluation stage with her blaming me for everything despite my efforts for support.

How long can avoidance last? She connects me to her trauma despite my efforts for otherwise, is there anything I can do about that?

Please check my post history for context.

That is more context^
 

JGTRG

Learning
I’ve read your other post.
From a sufferers point of view, she isn’t avoiding or isolating. She’s told you she’s broken up with you, so the relationship is over. I’m getting the feeling that, I don’t think you want to accept that though? I think for you to move on, you need to accept it and let go with time. Especially for your own mental health. It hurts but you will hurt yourself more holding on
 

Friday

Moderator
How long can avoidance last? She connects me to her trauma despite my efforts for otherwise...
A lifetime. Easily. Decades without even blinking.

If you have any doubt about that? Look to history and the trends amongst combat vets who opted for avoidance. The world wars are especially useful as you’ve got pools of millions to examine, but every war has a subsection of vets who go bush, joint the priesthood, and a dozen other examples as many head as far as possible away from violence or people altogether. Sexual offenses against women, on the other hand, are a more difficult meter... but one can still find plenty of examples amongst literature that are likely victims of trauma, (ignore main players, look for the descriptions of background people) although some are equally possibly Aspies, or have other sources for their eccentricities.

is there anything I can do about that?
How good are you at reading people/situations...AND...How comfortable are you with being charged with serious felonies? &/or suffering severe physical consequences in lieu of (or in addition to) serious felonies?

Honest question... as there are people I’d never ever have laid eyes on again, much less spoken to or interacted with, if they hadn’t ignored my telling them various degrees of no/f*ck off... and people I’ve broken their joints &/or rung the police and let them deal with them for doing the exact same thing. The only difference was in the execution. One set of people could read me well enough to know exactly when to push and how far, and when to back off and for how long / to what degree. The others? Paid for it. Some worse than they would have if I’d been in a decent headspace, or if they hadn’t pissed others off more than they pissed me off. Because my shrugging and saying “Look, the kids harmless.” as I basically ignored them would be enough for SOME of my friends/family/colleagues/neighbors/strangers on the street to let me handle it... others would go “have words” in whatever way they felt best. Fists or cops.

Because it’s very much like the difference between seduction and rape... if you don’t manage their very real & continuing consent fairly early on in the process? At BEST you’re looking at restraining orders & charges of stalking/harassment... at worst you’re going to be crippled for the rest of your life (with no legal recourse, as someone is within their rights to defend against a person who is stalking/ambushing them), or spending some rather serious time in jail. Or both.

So that’s STEP ONE - Gain access to their lives. Also the easy part with the least degree of risk. STEP TWO - Is to attempt to convince them that where their energy needs to go isn’t in any other area of trauma therapy, nor their lives/relationships/career/etc.... but solely to their relationship with you & breaking the link between you & their trauma.

AKA? There’s a 9/10 chance attempting to do anything? Is just going to land you in the hospital, or jail, or both. Or you wouldn’t be posting here, because either you understand enough about people to know all of this, or the two of you are so simpatico that whatever either of you do in regards to each other, it’s always right. Which means I’d jump that to 99/100 if the end goal is not only access to their life, but also directing their focus/attention/energy/results where you want them to be. And all of that is before adding PTSD to the mix. Where even people who’ve spent 12 years studying, and 20 years practicing, struggle to have any influence with their trauma clients.

Bad odds doesn’t mean no odds. The way most people learn about people? And how to accurately gauge both them and the situation? Is by doing. But doing at THIS level, wih an ex, in an already very volatile situation, hard history between you two, a neurological disorder, with serious “no’s” already on the table? Has some seeeeeeerious freaking consequences attached. Not the best place to be experimenting, when you’re chances are in the snowflake in hell range.
 
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Friday

Moderator
My ex mentioned to her that since leaving me she hasn't even thought about me because its painful to think about. This hurt me because I miss her and of course think about her daily.
That’s PTSD for you. I thought of someone connected to my trauma history for the first time in 21 years the other day... for about 1/5th of a second...and filed them away, again. My mind keeps trying to flick to them again as I write this, and nope. The consequences aren’t worth it, and I have enough self control to facilitate that. A few years ago? That 1/5th of a second could have turned into 6months of not being able to stop thinking about them, then being actively suicidal, and completely non-functional for a couple years.

The consequences of thinking about someone NOT connected to my trauma history? Sure, I might think of them every day, maybe even for hours a day (but not every waking minute of every hour, unable to think about even the order to cooking a cup’o’noodles much less anything more complicated like buying food, paying bills, going to work...and I might feel a lot of emotions around them... but I can still live my life. Maybe not with the Vivre! that I usually live my life with, and maybe I’d fumble some easy shit out of distraction, but I’m not risking homelessness and suicide over it.

Avoidance-as-a-symptom? Isn’t the same thing as avoiding a painful exchange, unpleasant task, or an uncomfortable situation. It’s not normal-avoidance, but symptom-avoidance. It’s a HUGE thing. With massive consequences, like death attached when you’re unable to avoid. (not being afraid of dying like in a panic, or feeling like you’re dying of embarrassment/shame/etc., but actually wanting to die and far too often people acting on that desire).

If you’ve ever been in so much pain that you wanted to die, begged to die, begged for someone to kill you, to escape it? Or if you can imagine that level of pain, bones sticking through your skin, screaming and pissing yourself... then you can understand the level of pain attached to trauma related thoughts/feelings/memories/reminders. And why the brain uses avoidance as a way to survive. That level of pain is unsupportable.

Avoidance-as-a-symptom? Being connected to trauma? Isn’t normal avoidance.

C. Persistent avoidance of stimuli associated with the traumatic event(s), beginning after the traumatic event(s) occurred, as evidence by one or both of the following:
  1. Avoidance of or efforts to avoid distressing memories, thoughts, or feelings about or closely associated with the traumatic event(s).
  2. Avoidance of or efforts to avoid external reminders (people, places, conversations, activities, objects, situations) that arouse distressing memories, thoughts, or feelings about or closely associated with the traumatic event(s).
 

Survivor3

MyPTSD Pro
Hello @LostPossum, I'm sorry for what happened, however I really think that the best thing to do is to accept that the relationship is over and move on with your life. I know it's not easy and hurts but your not benefiting in any way at all by prolonging the process. Try to think of better ways that you can spend your time and energy. Best wishes S3😀.
 

barefoot

Sponsor
Honestly? No, I don’t think there probably is anything you can do about it. Whether or not you find it reasonable/fair/right that she associates you with her trauma, that’s where she is with it. And she has chosen to end the relationship and not have you in her life anymore. Not sure whether it’s PTSD avoidance or that she has simply decided to end the relationship.

Personally, I wouldn’t put much weight on her saying she wants to stay friends. I think that’s a fairly common way of trying to soften the blow (perhaps for both people) of a break up. While some people do stay friends with exes, it’s also really common to say you want to when that isn’t really the intention.

I’m sure this has all been very difficult and hurtful for you and that’s really crappy. But I wonder if accepting the relationship is over and that you are not going to be in each other’s lives anymore is going to be the least painful route for you, ultimately.
 

Movingforward10

MyPTSD Pro
I agree with everyone else.

Break ups are so incredibly painful. But this relationship has ended.
And she doesn't want to have contact.
You have to work on you now: work on accepting this is over. Work on accepting you have no control over that decision as she has made it and that's that. Work on accepting that, for now and for the foreseeable, she isn't in your life as a partner or friend.
Maybe in the future you guys can be friendly? Maybe not?

But for now, you just need to accept it's over and grieve the loss of her, and start to find excitement and enthusiasm in the new beginnings that will come your way.
 
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