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Should i be over it by now?

Discussion in 'Sexual Assault' started by Bkbub, Jun 6, 2018.

  1. Bkbub

    Bkbub Guest

    I was at a friends house at an after party and my friend and I went to bed. We were fully clothed and under separate blankets. When I woke up he had taken the blanket off me, unbuttoned my jeans, had one hand down my bra and had his fingers inside of me. I coughed to let him know I was awake and he quickly rolled over and pretended to be asleep. I work with him every day and I’m terrified to go into work. It’s ruined my life but I feel like because it wasn’t rape I should feel lucky and like I should be over it by now because it was 2 months ago. I get night terrors every night, I’m not eating or sleeping properly and I feel empty and disgusted with myself. Should I feel this way about a sexual assault?
     
    Sweetleaf likes this.
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  3. Friday

    Friday Raise Hell Moderator

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    Sweetleaf likes this.
  4. EveHarrington

    EveHarrington _______ in progress. Premium Member

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    You were digitally raped...
     
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  5. Sweetleaf

    Sweetleaf Well-Known Member

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    What Eve said - you were raped. Just because it wasn't a penis doesn't mean it wasn't rape, or bad - it's okay to feel so affected by it. That's natural, I think.

    Also, 2 months is not very long -at all- in regards to this stuff, don't feel bad you're so affected only 2 months after it happened - I'm still not even 6 months distant from my last rape (it'll be 4 days from now for the 6 month point - ugh) and I am having a lot of problems with all of it.

    I feel like it would be wise, if you can, to distance yourself from the guy who did that to you - to try finding another job if it's doable, or whatever - but at least, go see a trauma specialized therapist, someone who can help you deal with the aftermath of something like that.

    Do you have access to any mental health care?
     
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  6. Bkbub

    Bkbub Guest

    I reported the incident to the police but at the moment I don’t want to press charges because I’m scared of what he’ll do to me. I’m anxious of doing every day things and I don’t even want to go to my graduation because I’m scared of being around large crowds of people. I’ve been sleeping in my mums bed every night because I’m scared to sleep alone. My mum seems to think pressing charges will help a lot with these feelings but whether I do or not, it still happened and I don’t think these feelings will go away. I just don’t know what to do.
     
    Sweetleaf likes this.
  7. somerandomguy

    somerandomguy Learning how to be myself Premium Member

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    Are you in therapy? If not, can you be?
     
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  8. EveHarrington

    EveHarrington _______ in progress. Premium Member

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    Pressing charges....

    Can help

    Or

    Can make things worse

    Make sure you think it through!

    I’m not trying to silence you in any way. I just want you to make the right decision for YOU!

    Prressing charges could be a great thing, but sometimes it just drags you through the mud. In a he said she said situation, your case may not get very far. BUT! Sometimes the mere act of reporting, even if it goes nowhere, is empowering because it means you were heard!

    Weigh the pros and cons....and then do what feels right for YOU!

    Can you seek out therapy?

    :hug:
     
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  9. Bkbub

    Bkbub Guest

    I tried going to the counselling centre the police referred me to but they can’t even see me for an assessment until November! So I’m going to see my doctor and find out if they can refer me anywhere that can see me sooner and hopefully sort out the anxiety and night terrors.
    My best friend (a guy) keeps asking me what’s wrong because he’s noticed a dramatic change in me and I want to tell him, I just don’t know how to approach the subject with him. It’s hard because he’s friends with the guy that did it and we all work together. Any advice?
     
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  10. Sweetleaf

    Sweetleaf Well-Known Member

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    Well for one - you have no requirement to tell anyone about what happened to you.

    Either it could feel good to open up, or you could have "disclosure hangover" - i.e., regret at telling someone about your trauma, or opening up to them about something.

    You could just give him a generic sort of response, and say that you don't want to get into exactly what happened - maybe something along the lines of "i had some bad stuff happen but i don't want to really talk about it because it's stressful, and it's been giving me [the problems hes noticing and whatever you want to share]"

    Or you can open up more, tell him what happened and who did it - if you feel comfortable doing that. You can always be vague first, and open up later if you really feel like it would be a good idea.

    Or you can just blow it off and say "nothing is wrong" or whatever - you can be as private as you want to be with your problems.

    I understand - I am too afraid to press charges, myself - despite having evidence of at least the physical assault.

    There is time. Look up the statute of limitations where you live, it could be different for different types of crimes, but you almost certainly have plenty of time to change your mind if you feel like it.

    I'm not ready to file a police report yet - but one day maybe I will be, I have time. You have time. It doesn't ever need to be done, either. There's nothing wrong with never filing charges.

    You're doing the right thing in trying to get treatment, going through your doctor and stuff. It's brave of you to have tried going through the counseling center - it's brave of you to be trying to get help through your doctor. I hope it goes well for you - sleep problems suck, and anxiety is horrible to live with.

    If they can set you up with some kind of trauma specialized care, or therapy, that would be great for you I think.
     
  11. Bkbub

    Bkbub Guest

    Thanks for your advice. I’ll try the vagueness at first and if I feel comfortable, I can try opening up fully. It’s not that I don’t trust him, it’s just that it’s hard talking about this to another guy.
    There’s no statute of limitations on serious sexual offences in the UK so at least I know the option is literally always there if I ever change my mind.
    I used to hate the idea of counselling but now I think it’s the only thing that will really help me through this. My friends and family have been amazing but I’m always worried that it’s going to upset them even though they tell me not to worry so I think talking to a stranger would help a lot.
     
    Sweetleaf likes this.
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