DID Should I try to hide it in relationships or not ?

[Prettybluerose]

Hi guys,

It's around 5.30 am in my country, can't sleep so I'mma ask you some advices.

I've been single for years, one of the major reasons was that I knew I wasn't ready, that I needed to kind of fix myself.

I've recently find out I have DID and I'm wondering if I should let go once involved in a relationship.

By let go, I mean, let the little one front and express herself whenever she needs to. Apart from some few times, she only fronts with people she feels loved by and with kids. There are days she is here all day long, dancing and singing ! So I am wondering if I should try to " hide " her or should I allow myself to let this part be in control in front of my future partner ? I know that if I unconsciously gives her the right to show up in front of someone, then there's nothing I can do to stop her later on.

I prefer to ask now while single than getting anxious about not knowing what is the best choice to make.

Imagine, a man in love with a woman, having a discussion with a 5 years old about her favourite colour... I would be afraid he would leave me.... And must be difficult to live on a daily basis..

Can you tell me about your experiences ?

Thank you.

 

[Sideways]

I didn’t try and get into an intimate relationship with another person while I was still sorting out my relationship with my parts. Which included making sure that my littles felt safe inside, and would reliably stay there.

Yes, I need to let them express themselves and feel heard. But I’m an adult, striving to live a functional adult life, and manage my dysregulation. To me, having to behave like a 4 year old, even though I’m in my 40s, is a dysregulated way to function. And unnecessary.

The people who pair with me have more than enough to deal with coping with my ptsd without also asking them to babysit me occasionally.

 

[Prettybluerose]

Thank you Sideways.

I've been single for years and I don't know how long will last the therapeutic work on my parts. So, if I still wait because of my mental health, I'll feel like it's an other punishment.

The people who pair with me have more than enough to deal with coping with my ptsd without also asking them to babysit me occasionally.

That's though to read but I guess you're right. I can't ask that much...

 

[arfie]

Imagine, a man in love with a woman, having a discussion with a

this very imagining brings me visions of divorce lawyers and ex-dances with hateful dance moves. the details of the discussion are irrelevant. the end result will be broken families witnessing romantic showdowns in divorce court. i earnestly believe that divorce is the natural result of contemporary romance, world wide. i hold the global divorce rates as evidence.

is my 43rd anniversary showing? i don't permit my husband to babysit me (i'm sick, not helpless), nor do i tell him every gory detail of my mental health problems, but we keep our relationship honest. if i have to tell a person lies of omission (keeping secrets), i prefer to keep them at safe social distances. if you can't handle my personal truths, you damn sure ain't welcome in my bedroom.

 

[Renly]

I am diagnosed with PTSD and OSDD. I have very distinct parts whose ages range from 3-23, (I am 35). I have been married for over a decade and told my husband about my OSDD about 6 months ago.

Telling my husband about my parts was terrifying, I almost didn’t do it. But hiding it was hurting our relationship because he didn’t understand what was happening to me. And to be honest, I really need his help and support. Hiding everything from him was killing me. I’m so grateful I took a risk and shared with him because it’s turned into something really beautiful. He has been working on developing relationships with my parts (some he’s had relationships with for years already and just didn’t know it was a different part) and his love and support has been a huge part of helping me heal.

My child parts are mostly scared of my husband and I’m really just starting to get to know them and work through their traumatic experiences, so it’s still new and we are at the beginning of figuring it out. But my husband has been a huge support in helping me navigate situations when child parts are fronting in inappropriate situations by redirecting us and/or talking on our behalf.

Recently, a child part was triggered to the front and a family member hurt her feelings (because this family member doesn’t know about my OSDD and was joking around in a way my child part didn’t understand) and we were so overwhelmed that we ran away crying. My husband smoothed out the situation with the family member, let us rest a little bit, and came in later with cookies and gave us a hug. The whole situation was super weird and embarrassing for me, but it was very impactful for my hurt child part who really needed to be shown kindness in that moment.

I feel very grateful my husband loves and accepts me, all parts included. I don’t want him to have to “babysit” me, but right now when those child parts are fronting I don’t have any control over it - I am not recognizing what is happening until it’s over and they switch out. So we don’t really have another option. My child parts don’t know how to hide or pretend to be an adult.

I know I’m extremely fortunate to have my husband’s full love and support. And don’t get me wrong, it’s not all magical, many things are difficult and messy. But at the end of the day he accepts ALL of me. I don’t have to hide any parts from him. He is kind to and accepting of all the parts. That includes whatever happens to the parts through my healing journey (whether that be functional multiplicity or fusion or whatever else). We have talked a lot about it.

Every person’s journey is different and deeply personal and that includes relationships, but if having a relationship with someone who loves you AND all your parts is something you want, then I say aim for that. I am 100% in agreement about being a functional adult in a healthy relationship and giving parts their own time when it is appropriate, but I also believe very deeply that all parts matter - their needs matter. Certainly their needs can be met in a healthy ways by you (which should be your main objective), but they can also be met in healthy ways by a loving other. It’s just a dance in figuring out what that looks like in your life.

I also very deeply believe you deserve to be loved for all parts of you - After enduring the types of traumas that cause a person to become multiple, I especially believe this. We shouldn’t have to hide anymore. Especially from someone who loves us.

But that’s just my 2 cents.

Wishing you the best!

 

[Tinyflame]

i don't want to speak where it's inappropriate for me, because I don't have the understanding others have. I can only relate to the sense of being both 5(0) at the same time, but it is seamless and fortunate for me I don not have to battle a separate personality I can't recall or control, only triggers and misperceptions or fear. But for me the knowledge or awareness of my personality, or experiences, or personal feeling of vulnerability/ being soft-hearted is still a large factor, I can't deny it's a part of myself that doesn't seem common for most people. (Hope that makes sense). But just to mention:

The people who pair with me have more than enough to deal with coping with my ptsd without also asking them to babysit me occasionally.

That's though to read but I guess you're right. I can't ask that much...

Perhaps the semi-goal may be to work on integrating those parts, defining what a relationship is to you. Yes, it ideally should have acceptance, but that needs heaps of understanding and that requires communication which requires humility, [I think @Renly said it best there. It sounds (unless I'm wrong and I apologize if I got it wrongly) that it took a lot of communication to clear misunderstandings and to grasp a better understanding of the inner workings influencing her/ their relationship, what was possible to change, what needed to be accepted, what was perhaps in the process of healing]. For me only, relationships require a sense of safety and protection and predictability, or perhaps loyalty/ understanding what is core, but not parentification. They are defined partly by support, but not babysitting. Equality, and partnership, being capable of giving and accepting. Trust, authenticity, a certain kindness? That kind of thing. But perhaps for you it is defined as something different? One thing is for sure, in seeking someone who accepts you as you are, there will also be the need to accept them as they are too, which you can't predict as it would be a process of discovery and everyone has their own challenges and wounds. I do think @Renly 's situation is rare, but there is one example it's possible. Keep working on what heals you, the stronger you become the more strength you can bring others and the more accepting you will feel about yourself. I am sure you are lovable as you are, and the less you have to feel like you have to protect yourself I think it's likely the more open and authentic or honest you will be able to be. Best wishes to you.

(PS, FWIW I don't take my own advice- in my heart I view someone dealing with me as more as a liability than an asset, so I get the challenges.)

 

[Prettybluerose]

Thank you arfie.

I also do think that honesty are foundations for a healthy relationship. But details can stay stuck in someone's mind and I don't want to be seen or perceived through that.

if you can't handle my personal truths, you damn sure ain't welcome in my bedroom.

I totally agree ! Very well said !

Thank you Renly for sharing your story with us.

How did you do to keep it secret during all that time ?! I'm impressed. There's no way I can keep it secret for so long I think. If I don't succeed in gathering my parts, I'm done !

I'm very pleased to read your story and I'm wishing that... You know what I'm wishing, right... ? And I feel guilty for that because I've been broken and my no longer secret hope is to be taken care of by a guy who has nothing to do with the fact that I've been broken.
Like, why would I hope and wait for him to repair what others' have done ? And at the same time, I'm like, that is true love... I know what I'm ready to do for the ones I love.

At the same time, I'm thinking, alright, marriage is something weak nowadays but am I ready to let someone whom I can't lean on in my life ?

Do you regret not telling him way before ? There's also the matter of when should we tell our partner...
If you tell him too fast, then he has no time to make an opinion about you without your past in the way...
If you tell him, once he told you he loved you then it's like setting a trap...

I also very deeply believe you deserve to be loved for all parts of you - After enduring the types of traumas that cause a person to become multiple, I especially believe this. We shouldn’t have to hide anymore. Especially from someone who loves us.

But that’s just my 2 cents.

Wishing you the best!

Thank you so much ! The best for your too ! No more crying, only cookies. :)

Thanks Tinyflame !

I just want to clarify things. Yes, I would like to be taken care of but I'm not looking for a father. I only wish I could be myself in front of someone special. I would like him to be there for me as I know I would do my best for him.

As you said, trust, authenticity and kindness are an urge for me.

One thing is for sure, in seeking someone who accepts you as you are, there will also be the need to accept them as they are too, which you can't predict as it would be a process of discovery and everyone has their own challenges and wounds.

Here we go again... I'm like why won't stay single when it's too complicated to be fine all by myself ? Selfish me !

I am sure you are lovable as you are, and the less you have to feel like you have to protect yourself I think it's likely the more open and authentic or honest you will be able to be. Best wishes to you.

That is beautifully said, plus it is so true. Cruelty has taught me to protect myself. It taught me I don't deserve love and I sincerely hope love will show me it was wrong...

Wish you the best, taking your own advice for example... :)

 

[Sideways]

I may have been unclear. I don’t hide my diagnosis in intimate relationships. It’s important my partner knows, because there are times when I need their support to do what I need to manage my mental health conditions.

But starting a new relationship at a time when I’m dysregulated enough that my parts are fronting intermittently? Hell no! For so many reasons!

 

[Renly]

How did you do to keep it secret during all that time ?! I'm impressed. There's no way I can keep it secret for so long I think. If I don't succeed in gathering my parts, I'm done !

I didn’t know about my OSDD and my parts until about a year and 1/2 ago. My parts were even a secret from me for all this time! So it was about a years time I kept that secret from my husband - and during that time I was really coming to terms with my diagnosis - there was (and sometimes still is) a lot of denial to work through. But my therapist is amazing and is helping my navigate all this stuff in my life.

Now that my husband knows about the OSDD, he has pointed out evidence of my parts showing up throughout the years we have been married and we can kind of laugh about that. Overall, things about me (and my strange behaviors) make a lot more sense to him (and me) now.

It’s hard when people have hurt you very deeply in life to trust that there are people out there who won’t - people who will love and support all parts of you. But I believe it is possible and that we all deserve to aim for that (regardless of our mental health issues).

 

[Muttly]

My partner knows that I have DID. He knows the basic of my parts. And there times when the little ones are out about him, but it's in a supervised, playful way. It's not out of control. And it's done in a way that's fun and connecting for my partner and I, not me expecting him to care take. The example is at bedtime, my partner gets silly and himself seems kind of young. So we have fun and are silly. It bonds my partner and I.

 

[Prettybluerose]

Renly : One year and a half is way more than what I could hold on !

Are your parts more demonstrative now that you know ?

Muttly : I think it's more or less easy to keep things under control when you are fine but what when you are not ?

 

[Muttly]

Muttly : I think it's more or less easy to keep things under control when you are fine but what when you are not ?

Hmm... well, here I guess I may circle back to what @Sideways was saying. I didn't get into a long-term, committed relationship until I'd done a lot of work in therapy. My parts and I work fairly well together. There's still work to do, but the days when we switched a bunch and didn't have internal structures to help us maintain safety and a degree of balance are well back.

Things aren't always fine and we (my parts and I have gone through huge changes). We moved cross country, changed jobs and moved in with my partner. We are still figuring out how to negotiate giving living with DID while living with someone. When we've been really triggered we've gone and taken a time out and separated ourself from our partner. That allowed parts the chance to have their emotions and reactions without it potentially damaging our partner or our relationship with our partner. And then, when things calmed down and I/we understood better what was going on inside and the internal storm had calmed, we talked with our partner about what happened. And taking space in a healthy way, means communicating to my partner that I need a time out and acknowledging that I care for him and we will work through things together once I've sorted myself out.