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Childhood Should i try to remember? warning:really long

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CrzyBl0nd128

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I am curious to remembering memories from when I was approximately 3-5. And also wondering if I should?
My younger brother (2yr diff) and I loved with mom and dad until I was about 4/5ish. our dad was in the army so we had moved at least 2x in this time period and I remember him rarely being home. I have quite a few memories from the last house we lived in before moving and living with my maternal grandpa.
The decent memories are ones such as being in preschool and noticing A classmate sucking in their middle Fingers and wondering if they knew what the middle Finger stood for and if they'd get in trouble, and I renener the preschool had a popcorn day and you got free popcorn if wore a certain school shirt. Oh and I once stood in tghe middle of a red ant hill with my legs covered by them. The remainder are sad. I have memories of neglect.. One where I was hit by a car that was backing out of a nearby driveway (I was walking to my moms boyfriend(B) house and then the bright light that same day from the ER. Also, I remember being locked in our bedroom and my younger brother falling out of the window, of the last house we lived in, possibly 2 story (I also have been told the story many many times growing up so not too sure on reliability). And I have one where I was visiting a neighborhood family and having my hair played with while watching tv.
I also remember laying on the living room /hall way floor and looking up Bs towel while -I think- he was kissing my mom.

Sometime while I was four, my grandpa and "E" who we referred to as Uncle, drove 1200 miles and picked us up. I remember taking children's Tylenol on the way to their home.
I have vague memories of sleepovers and visits with my dad, as well as camping (my brother fell into the river and almost drowned I remember chasing after him on the bank screaming for our dad) , birthday cards, and phone calls. I have very few of my mom. I remember her coming to my gpas house atleast once, there is a photo I used to have that had me and my brother but also my 2nd brother( lots of doubts on who his dad is) which would have made us about 5-3-and 1 , I remember a birthday party at chuckee cheese where I want to say the twins (my last two brothers, so 4 all together) were present and I know I saw pictures of that. So that would have made us 6,4,2 and infant.
I know that some of my friends from day care were there as well. That might have been the last time I saw or heard from my mom until I was 15. Or, it was when she was in my gpas house and we were in the bathroom. Her doing make up, me watching, and then shortly after she left I was screaming and crying that nothing had ever happen. I wish I could remember more to the bathroom conversation (if any). I know I continued to see my dad probably up til 5th grade or so after my gpa had adopted us, and changed our last name to his. I have a memory in daycare of me putting my hands down the back or someone's pants or I doing it to them. I also have vague memories of the
Building and games on the playground. Like running around and chasing boys trying to kiss them. I also have 2 memories of my brother and I being very explicit in fondeling each other... French kissing, oral but no erection or penetration.
I can't believe I just typed that out. It's never left my thoughts.

So I have received 3seperate stories as to why gpa was able to gain guardianship of us when I was 7, and then able to adopt us when I was 10..

My dads story:
He was taking a bath with me and during it I had tried to bite his penis. He redirected me and went on with the bath. A little later he told me mom and then within a few days/weeks CID was investigating.

My moms story:
I was touching myself and when I was asked where did I learn that, I responded with "daddy". She sad she thinks so bc I saw his porn mags and knew they belonged to him.

The story(ies) I heard growing up:
That we were molested by our parents. Many stories revolving my mom. Such as her having 3somes, sleeping around (which she has slightly confirmed by telling me how my dad would get upset if she slept with someone without his permission but it wasn't cheating if he said it was okay, she said it drove her crazy). I've been told that they fought a lot. I don't remember any fight, but she has told me how my dad would cry and her sister would ask if she was heartless bc she wouldn't care and wouldn't keep being mean. She's confirmed that we would be locked in our bedroom, saying it was bc she was prego with 2nd brother and slept a lot. She's confirmed that I would escape the house and undress myself and her solution was a swimsuit under my clothes. I was also told stories about how she would manipulate men for money by lying and saying she was pregnant after a one night stand and needed an abortion when she wasn't. Or how she would ask gpa for money for groceries but got upset when she was mailed food. Told that she did a lot of partying and drugs and would have sex parties. That the neighbors who I remember hair and tv were actually people who babysat us a lot so that she could have boyfriends over.
The biggest accusation I have been told is that she was so angry at my gpa being gay, that she had said something along the lines of making sure her children knew how to have sex the right way. ( she has said to me before that she would disown any of her children who were gay. ) because of this, she and Boyfriend B had sex with both Brother Z and I. Was also told that they would instruct us on body parts Andrew to do things.
I have no memory of any of this. My brother Z is who informed me the other day and I was quite surprised. Which that is weird too. I received therapy nearly the entire time I lived with gpa and uncle from 5-14, but I can't remember any significant disclosure of anything of the sort. Only memories of me playing or what the building/office/surrondings looked like. I do remember one of my last therapy sessions as I had run away from it.

Throughout childhood there have been a few circumstances where I remember displaying retroactive behavior. I remember laying in bed with my cousin kissing and hugging underneath the covers (had to be about 6-8). Once went Bowling with a kid From school and he showed me his penis while his uncle was driving to take me home. I dont remember if anything else happened. At one point, my brother was setting fires and I guess his behavior was out of control and was sent to a facility and my uncles grandma moved in. I remember ordering and watching porn in her bedroom when home alone and masterbating by either inserting a hairbrush or grinding on furniture. This was approximately. 10-12 years old. I also engaged in cyber sex in AOL chat rooms. During my 4th grade year I remember an incident happening with my brother where he had stolen another students gameboy and the principal decided that since she was unable to reach out gpa she would punish him her own way. She took my brother around the whole school, approx 18 classrooms and had him repeatedly tell each one the he is a thief and a liar and if you see him to make sure your belongings ere locked up. He and I both had big issues with boundaries. We stole. I stole a lot. Candy, money, clothes, etc. I stole money from my uncles' mom monthly when she received her social security. I stole super old money that had been locked away in a filing cabinet that I broke into. I used that old money to buy candy. I stole makeup. I once had stolen cough medicine to get high the summer when I was 15. I stole stuff from friends. I was super nosey and often dug through the belongings of my uncle, his mom, and gpa. That was how I found out my gpa was gay. I came across a gay porn mag. I remember tearing out a picture of brad Pitt.

During my 5th grade year my gpa adopted us and changed our name. I ended up having to repeat 5th grade and we switched tk a public school from there. Aside from my sticky fingers and nosiness, which I rarely was caught for or punished if I happened to be, I rarely was in trouble. I earned decent grades in school and even made the honor roll my 7th grade year. Throughout this time I was also diagnosed add and was prescribed adderall and trazadone. I did not take as I was told, at times I gave it away.

During 6th grade I started cutting and making myself through up. I had once read a book called "cut" and I think that's where I got the idea.
I also did most of the chores around the house once I was about 12 years old since my uncle, his mom, and gpa were unable to for employment, age, and health reasons. My brother was away at different facilities. I think the episode at the school is what brought it on bc after that I never lived with him again. I only visited him in his cement bedrooms.

When I was in 8th grade i began my rebel I guess. I started smoking cigarettes and pot, I also had my first "serious" lol relationship. He and I wrote tons of notes to each other talking about sex. Even still, we had never kissed and barely ever hugged. Once we had gone to the movies with a friend and he tried to put his hands in my pants and I stopped him. Around this time I was painting my room as we were remodeling and somehow ended up super drunk. I remember drinking the alcohol, Jack daniels, and since it was old and smooth, I drank a lot. I remember tripping and stumbling and being drove to the er bc when asked what was I on I kept saying that I didn't know. I remember yelling out to my gpa and uncle to call that boyfriend and tell him I love him bc I though I was dying and yelling his phone number. Later I was told that my bac was 3x the legal limit and that I had punched a nurse when they were trying to take off my underwear.
While still dating this boyfriend, I ran away from a therapy session bc my gpa didn't want me talking to him anymore. I ended up being picked up by the cops and and after refusing to go home I was taken to a teen group home. I lived there for two weeks before running away on my 15th birthday.

My freshman year of highschool I began more wreck less behavior. I skipped class once to stand guard for a friend while she had sec in the bathroom. Another time, I skipped with her to go get stoned with her and 4 other guys and ended up giving them oral sex while she had sex with them. It was one at a time, not an orgy.
Shorty after I began dating one of the boys I wlived with in the teen home. It wasn't long and he was living in my room without permission bc he had nowhere else to go. Of course we soon had sex and that is who I believe I lost my virginity to. I never bled. At Halloween we had gone to my friends where I ended up getting drunk and having sex with my live in boyfriends friend in her brothers bed. My uncle picked me up and never gave away if he knew I had been drinking or not. My boyfriend never found out.
Soon after he was caught in my room and kicked out. The next day I skipped school to look for him. In doing so my uncle had ended up driving past me and I ran away again. I don't remember how long I was gone, but I missed thanksgiving and instead spent it with my friend K and her family.
Soon after I retuned home and K and I and another girl went to the mall. K and I would go to the mall often and often we would steal clothing. Mostly thongs. Which were disposed of every time I ran away. We had never been caught until this time when we had brought our extra friend. Shortly after this I was sat down by my family and told that I would be going 2200 miles to go to live with my mom and her new husband and my 3 younger brothers. It had been approx 8-9years since I'd seen her. I had been writing her for about the last 6mths or so since my younger brother had been able to get in contact with her through her sister.
I was told before I left them that I was going only for Christmas break and it was only while the courts decided my punishment for shoplifting. I was later told once I arrived that I would be living there and that I wouldn't be returning. Years later I learned that it had not been up to the courts. That it had been left up to my uncle and gpa.

Life with my mom was much different. I had gone from no boundaries to nearly suffocating rules. The honey moon period was decent, but by the time I was 16 I was planning obtaining my GED and getting emancipated. I completed both before turning 17. I continued then to party and be wreckless. Around 17 I met a guy through mutual friends. We fell very fast and I was pregnant within 2 month of dating. I had purposely been careless with my birth control. I had wanted a baby. Even after he ignored me for 2 days as he binged on meth. Even after are arguing was turning into screaming matches.
We were not a very healthy relationship. We fought often. My mom tried to convince me to not tell him I was pregnant and to just leave him and never look back. I didn't listen. My mom planned my baby shower for me. Which was nice. She had also bought herself new baby gear such as play pen, high chair, stroller, and car seat. Before I'd even givin birth yet she had me agreeing to my baby having sleepovers every Saturday. Because her dad and I were going to need that break. ..

2 weeks after I turned 18 we had our child. I had no clue. I was a decent mom, she survived lol, but I definitely could have been better if someone would have taught me. I was t able to establish breastfeeding bc I didn't know how it worked. I didn't know that the Saturday sleepovers would actually dry my milk up. I wasn't the one to give her her first bath, my mom was. And I remember waking after finally falling asleep after surgery (I had a cesarean) and not being able to find my baby. I ended up forcing my self to walk out of my hospital room and search for er to find that my mom had taken her to visit family without letting me know.

Time goes by and her dad and I struggled. We had hoped after getting our own place (we lived with his family) that it would get better but our fights only escalated. To where he was tying a noose threatening to hang himself while I lay dressed in the bath cutting. I became pregnant once again and as the fights escalated, some sprouting from us not having enough money for pot and our bills.
I ended up leaving him for probably the 5th time and taking our child and moving home with my mom and family. Shortly after my mom came home from work one day and convinced me to give my unborn child up for adoption. I was about 5 months or so. I ended up giving in. I didn't want to though. I remember screaming at the doctors to put me under once they removed her from my uterus during the cesarean. I was in such a rage/panic that I had been able to lift my upper body and arms while under some type of medication that should have made me paralyzed at that time. Even so, they complied and I awoke hours later.
I do not remember much of the pregnancy. But I remember that day in the hospital talking to the father of my children. Wanting him to come stop this because I didn't have the courage to. I didn't want to let my mom down or the family that was adopting her. It didn't matter bc he never did. He used the restraining order that we had violated weeks prior to have sex as why he couldn't.
Afterward I tried to move forward. He and I broke up again, I'm not sure if we were ever back together but we fought and we quit talking.

At this time I was 20.. I soon found myself in a relationship with my 2nd brothers best friend who was 15/16 ish. It wasn't long before all of my brothers knew. Soon after my mom found out. My brothers friend lied and said that I raped him and my mom took him to the police to report it before talking to me. Soon I was digging a deeper whole bc I revealed that it was more than once and I walked away with 4charges of sex abuse 1 and 3 of stat rape 1. Luckily my lawyer was able to get lowered and I was convicted of harassment, a misdemeanor.
It took months for the conviction to happen and after receiving the charges I hit my rock bottom. I spent nearly every day for 6-8 weeks partying and trying to get money to party. I used cocaine, extacy, shrooms, meth, pot and alcohol. I still kept up with my child, and had her multiple times a week. Somewhere along the way their dad and I ended up back together. We then had our child for a visit and wanted her to spend the night. my mother got upset saying that our child was sick and shouldn't. I protested, as I was her mom and I could take care of her. She then told me that if I didn't return my child to her by a certain time that I could not bring her back at all. So I kept my baby.
I didn't speak to my mom or family for a year afterward.

During this time I kind of got my shit together. I sold my truck to get us our own place, a little one bedroom. And I worked while he stayed home and took care of our child. Thins were decent up until my 21st birthday. Somehow I had set him off to where he attacked me after we had returned home from the bar. He choked me until I blacked out. This wasn't the first time he put his hands on me. I had been slammed against doors and the freezer. He once dislocated my finger. And he had previously left bruises on my neck from choking me a few months prior, and many other marks and bruises from previous fights. Neighbors had Calle the cops and there wasn't much they could do. Two weeks later our child was turning 3. This was a big deal as I had never been able to afford a birthday before. Unfortunately I was a dumba$$ be thought it would be a good idea to buy some beer since I had just turned 21. As expected, the night ended in disaster. He had passed out before I had put her candles on her cake. Hours after the party ended, I woke him up, angry, so that he would get out of our child's bed, it eventually turned into a screaming match and I hid with our child in the bathroom pretending to call the police so he would leave. He did and over the next few das I packed his stuff and kicked him out. Shortly after I regained communication with my mom. I moved almost a year later. During this time I spent a lot of time partying, mostly drinking. I then decided to get my head straight again and became celibate and started school. It wasn't long after that I began web cam porn to help pay for bills.

I soon met my current husband and we wed shortly after dating. Since then I have had 2 more Children and completed college. I recently started an internship with a children's advocacy center. When I applied i didn't really uderstand the depth of what I was getting into. I have been there about a month now and my mom had mentioned something about my files from my childhood since I do a lot of the filing at this place. I had said that those were files I would Love to read and her immediate response was that those files had been burned. I mediately got a red flag and try to explain that why I didn't believe that that was possible but she was convinced it was. Since then I have done digging and have only come up with more and more questions. Well I remember going to counseling and therapy as a child I have no significant memory of it. I do not remember a lot of my childhood. However my younger brother does. He has many memories about what supposedly happened to us. The abuse is true and that also leaves me with more questions. My brother is attempting to get documents, as am I, as I need to read what the professionals had to say. I feel that maybe that will get me some answers. From what I have researched recently I do show a lot of symptoms of a sex abuse Survivor. However I do not know if that is because of the years of therapy I received for it or if that was just the way I was made.
And then some of the indicators make a lot of sense. Such as my depression and self harm. The odd sensations I get at inappropriate times. And how I seem to undesired sex the closer I am to someone. Or how any relationship of the opposite sex could never be just friendship. Or whenever a boyfriend was upset with me. My instinct would be to use sec to get out of it.

I seem to have very little control over my emotions. And some indicators are having an effect on my marriage and my relationship with my children. I believe I have abandonment issues so I am unable to let my gaurd down and be vulnerable with the people I should be. It's affecting my sex life and my affection towards my husband.

I just don't know who to believe. I don't believe my mom as she is too vague, and has lied to me quite often. Plus, she didn't try to get us back until I was 15?
I want to remember so I know and can possibly heal, but I'm not sure if I should.
If you made it this far, thank you. And I apologize for it being so long.
 
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I am so very sorry that you suffered so much as a young child, a teenager, and as an adult. I hope for you some real answers for the questions you are having.:hug:
 
I can't read this either... Way to long.... brain can't handle it.
 
I read some of it. It sounds like you have some powerful memories already. You said the abuse is true and your mom is a liar. I'm not sure what you're looking for but I am truly sorry for everything you've been through and I hope you can find the support you need here. If you aren't in therapy I would encourage you to go and get some help for your emotional dysregulation and impulse control as well as boundary issues. You can't change your past and you can change your future.
 
I read the whole thing. At one point I thought, "this should be a movie." I don't mean that in a negative non-respectful way. You have been through a lot! I can't image all the grief you have and yet it has not been "grieved" as there hasn't been the space and time to grieve. You sound like you have taken your "inventory" as they say in recovery 12 step programs and that's a positive. You sound like you were sexually abused as a child, however, the upheaval of your childhood is enough to make anyone emotionally dysregulated. I strongly urge you stop using substances before you are helpless, and to get into a recovery program for the substance and alcohol misuse. It will help you find stability, others on the same journey, and you can't really do any good work on abuse issues unless you get totally sober. (spoken from experience-and somewhat of a hypocrite here as I still misuse when the $hit i$ hard) Please think of your children. They need a mom who is calm, and nurturing, and safe. Recovery groups, group therapy, spirituality, exercise, knowledge, artwork, will help you find a calm, stability, safe place in life. I wish you the best.Just know that you are a special mom and have survived a lot!
 
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