Shouldn't There Be Something Else?

[Samantha_38]

Inside I struggle like crazy. I have no friends. Despite trying to have friends, and really being more open to the idea it just doesn't work out for me. I get along with people really well, but when it comes to actually hanging out outside of work or school I for whatever reason become invisible. I don't get invited at all, and I know to invite myself would make things worse. I can feel the awkwardness and I would only make it more awkward.

In the last couple months I've moved states, which had the positive effect of getting me away from my abusers, but also moved me away from the very limited number of people I did have for support. I lost the only T I've ever trusted, and the only doctor I've ever opened up to. I found a new friend, but for various reasons (legitimate even) they cannot be a support for me right now and i'm starting to think ever. I'm understanding of that, but it's so hard since that's the only person I did have.

I'm just SO done. And I have no desire in me to keep doing this. I don't even know what I fight for. I have my 2 kids, and I fight for them, but it seems there should be something in me telling me I want to be here, and I don't. I'm so lonely, and my kids only make me more lonely. I love them to pieces, and I'd never leave them to fend for themselves. I'm not going to make them go though anything I went through growing up, and abandoning them would do that. I'm completely dead inside though. And the friend making situation is only made harder because they have to be the priority.

Shouldn't there be a feeling in me that wants to stay? I'm just going through the motions and I know if it wasn't for them I'd have been done long ago. I actually want to be done...but because of them I can't be. I hate feeling like this, but it's exactly how I feel.

 

[Nam]

You are on a fence. No one can tell you which side to go. Maybe you should stay and stick it out. Maybe you should move. Do you think moving will help the dead feeling inside? Do you think having friends will? These are questions you should ask yourself. In my limited experience with being a friend (I only have a few), it's hard to be a good one if you don't friend yourself first. You take care of your needs. Take care of your kids' needs. If you have some extra leftover, make some friends and make an effort. Find out what they like, ask yourself if you like it too. And enjoy it together. Try really hard at the beginning not to weigh it down on one side or the other. It can be really simple: a movie, coffee, flowers, parks, hikes, museums, art, or just adult human interaction. And everyone eats.

 

[TLight]

Perhaps find a church you are comfortable with? I'm not religious, but definitely believe in 'something bigger than this'.......I happened to find Unitarian Universalism and I'm finding I have friends and people who actually seem pretty non-toxic for the first time in my life and I"m 50. You can believe in pretty much anything as long as your goal is to love and respect everyone. Might want to check it out. I do yoga there, hang for coffee hour, have a covenant circle once a month...more if I want. And I'm connected.

I left when I was 14 and have always been alone and hooked up with bad people cause I was so needy and didn't know any better. For the last 20 years I pretty much have been a complete hermit. I just made the decision the world wasn't safe...tried to make friends, but got treated very badly, so I gave up.

I've learned to entertain myself and I still spend A LOT of time alone....keeps the stress down. Even though I've got some good people in my life now, I still can only take a few hours a couple times of week.........then I need to be a hermit again. But it is nice knowing there are people out there who would notice if I were dead. Previous 20 or 30 I could be dead in my apartment and no one would even know...

Go very slow.......very very slow and protect yourself.

 

[EmmaDancing]

Shouldn't there be a feeling in me that wants to stay? I'm just going through the motions and I know if it wasn't for them I'd have been done long ago. I actually want to be done...but because of them I can't be. I hate feeling like this, but it's exactly how I feel.

There should be, but a lot of the time, there isn't. I understand that. I really wish there was some kind of magic answer I could give that would make everything okay, but there isn't. I'm sorry for that.
Life shouldn't just be about just going through the motions - but easier said than done, I know. But at least you still are going through them. You haven't given up completely yet, and that's good. It may not feel like it, but you do have something somewhere inside you that wants to stay. Now you just need to find it, and kindle it. Writing is what helps me most. Poetry, stories, journaling, or just venting....anything. Or if you're more artistic, experiment with that...drawing, collaging, whatever. As for other people....well, obviously trying to find a new T would be helpful, but I know that it takes a lot of time to even begin to trust someone. Sometimes I find that just being around other people helps, even if they're not talking to me. Thats why I do theatre - there's nothing that comes close to that amazing feeling of belonging. of having a purpose, being part of something. I think thats what you need to do - make yourself part of something. Anything. Because the more webs you're tied in, the harder it is for the world to let you go.

 

[risingsun]

I am sorry you are feeling this way. I moved far away from where I grew up and have no true friends that invite me out; school or work, although right now I'm not currently working. It can be incredibly lonely if you let it.

My mum and I live together in a far away place and it used to bother us deeply that we have no kin or friends in the state in which we reside. Now, though, we realize that we have each other and to cherish each and every moment of that.

I cherish that so much, especially since before my mum moved here, my roommate and best friend, he died in a horrific crash. One minute he was there and five minutes later he was gone. At that time, before his death, I had been feeling distressed that I had no women friends/girlfriends to hang out with or that I was being rejected. And the next moment, I lost him which was far more lonely and gutting than any of the friends (or non- friends) that I had been worried about.

I learned a hard lesson about cherishing what I did have and learning the real meaning of loss and loneliness.

I am not saying that it doesn't hurt nor trying to dismiss the heart wrenching and lonely state that rejection or having no outside friends can induce. But I am saying that there are times in life to have friends and times that we must accept where we are, who we are blessed to be with, and make the best of that because even that could change in a blink.

But you are serving a grand purpose of being a mother and you know this and it has sustained you. You have been blessed with gifts from God and right now, for whatever reason, you are alone with those gifts and they need you. Maybe if you had a huge circle, your attention wouldn't be "on your kids" as much and maybe they need you more than ever now because they are at a critical moment in their development.

There is a grand scheme of things which we can't always see. Cherish each moment. Try, as hard as it is, to live in the "present" and show your children, through your actions, that you are content with or without support so that they learn this very, very important lesson. So that they learn to hold on to each other and, most of all, to turn within themselves for comfort rather than the outside world of friends and future colleagues, so that they validate themselves rather than needing outside validation.

I know you are doing the best you can right now and you have come very far, especially with moving away from your place of abuse. You can do this. You can. You already are, but let your heart be in this moment 100 percent. My mum, through her abusive husband, was kept isolated from family and friends. All she had was us. But she opened up to her inner child and had the most fun with us each moment she could. She was also very engaged in tending her gardens, being creative in so many aspects, and making the best of her limited situation.

If you can, try and join some sort of creative or even spiritual group that gets together. If not, find creative projects for yourself. Finding a balance between the kids and putting yourself into anything creative would be good for you now. There are so many creative and fun projects to delve into. Tap into that.

I know this is a tough, tough thing to do without outside support. But you were meant and made to do this or you wouldn't be in this situation. Remember, though, this is just temporary as things will open up for you. Tap into your creativity, enjoy each moment with your kids, and trust that you will be okay no matter what the situation looks like.

My prayers are with you during this tough time, although remember we are never truly alone as we are always "watched over." Trust in the present moment and everything you have wished for your life will open up to you. Warmest, Rising Sun.

Keep the faith, the faith that has always sustained you.

 

[Friday]

I'm hearing a couple of very different issues.
- Friendship
- Wanting to stay
- Reasons to live (which are different than wanting to live)
Kind of merging into one... That it's other people in your life that make you want to stay / that make life good?

I tend towards the same thing... Depending on other people for my happiness, as well as for even my daily schedule / what my life looks like. I'm a bit of a beta personality to begin with; great follower, lousy leader. And have a whole bunch of pack issues. Need a lot of touch, interaction, thinking out loud, etc.

One of the things I've been trying to do over the past few years is to both stop that as much as possible (create my own happiness, shape my own life, etc.) as well as to fill in & figure out where that's not possible. Because some of that is healthy, and some isn't. The codependent stuff isn't healthy, for example. But the follower stuff? That's fine. I just need to be aware of it.

Being aware means things like I will never/rarely do certain things solo. And if I want to be doing those things? I need to set that up. Take a class, invite others, etc. Meanwhile, other things I have no issue with being solo, or even prefer being on my own for. Figuring out what's what has been all trial & error. Okay. Surfing solo is mui bueno. Snowboarding solo? Not. (No. idea. why. those two sports split like that, but they do). So if I want to surf, all I need is a board and a beach. But if I want to snowboard, I actually need to sign up for a class or bring friends.

And while my reasons & wants may sometimes go hand in hand (like my kids being both most of the time, doesn't mean that they're both all of the time), I need to plan for when they're not. Have outlets, and fallbacks. It's a common parenting thing... Kids make having friends difficult in the beginning because they eat time (so new parents tend to go a little nuts in part because of this), then they become sources of joy/make friendships less necessary so one stops looking for friends or putting energy into friendships, then they drive you crazy/exhaust you or grow up and leave, either way, don't fill both roles... And there's a gaping need for friends, again.