Relationship Shutting Me Out & Uncertainty

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Blink19

I started seeing a combat veteran a few months ago (we are not in a committed relationship officially- but it doesn't seem like either of us want to see other people). Since I've known him, there have been a couple times where he has dropped off the face of the earth and shut me out- the last time it was because he was grieving a death of a fellow soldier. I wound up dropping off a care package for him and that seemed to "bring him back." A week and a half ago, he told me that he was having a terrible week at work and was feeling depressed. He said that I could call if I needed anything from him but that he would talk to me later. Other than him replying to a Valentine's Day message I sent, I have not heard a word from him in that week and a half. I've tried reaching out twice to see how he is doing, but my messages have gone unanswered. Yesterday, I texted him that I would respect his alone time and that I was still here for him. I don't understand why he fully shuts me out. I want to be there for him but I feel like he's not letting me. He mentioned to me before that he is either 1. talkative, social, etc or 2. withdrawn because of his PTSD.

In the past, he has come back after having around a week of space, but it's been longer this time and it makes me wonder/nervous if he's not going to come back. How do y'all cope with this kind of uncertainty when your loved one withdraws/isolates/shuts you out?
 

Friday

Moderator
In the past, he has come back after having around a week of space, but it's been longer this time and it makes me wonder/nervous if he's not going to come back. How do y'all cope with this kind of uncertainty when your loved one withdraws/isolates/shuts you out?
Ditto @Sweetpea76 ... It’s either something you get used to & are okay with... or it’s not, and things end.

Everyone has different tolerance points. My rule of thumb? I do what I want, when I want. If that works out between the two of us? We work. If it doesn’t? It doesn’t. Which, I know, sounds f*cking basic. But it’s very much like every other aspect of dating.., seeing if we not only like each other, but if what we want out of life, and who we are works together. I care about a f*ckload of people I could never date or live with. Doesn’t mean I don’t like/love/respect them. We just need & want different things out of life. Others? We get on like a house on fire, once the initial bumps smooth out into normal, and works for both of us. But it all depends on each of us BEING us, not who we think the other person wants us to be. That’s possible, sure, but only for so long. I’m someone who prefers to rip the bandaid off, and see if we’re totally badass... together. Rather than the whole walking on eggshells & miserable as f*ck thing.
 

Freida

Sponsor
1. talkative, social, etc or 2. withdrawn because of his PTSD.
yep - this is me.
I'm all part of life
Or I've gone dark and Ill be back when I get back. Might be a day, might be weeks. Won't know till I get back.

After years of therapy I am getting better about it, but if someone is going to be in my life they have to be able to handle it.
Because it's not about them
It's about me.
 

Sweetpea76

Moderator
... and it doesn’t make you a bad person if you are NOT OK with it. Just because he has PTSD doesn’t make ghosting/ignoring hurt any less. Mine tends to do this too, but he knows I’m not going to sit around while he ignores me for weeks. I wouldn’t consider that a relationship anymore, and we’ve been together for years. Needing some space is one thing. f*cking off and ignoring somebody for extended periods of time is another.
 
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Blink19

Thank y'all for responding... Yeah this definitely hurts but I know it's not about me. I think the hardest part is just wondering if and when he'll actually come back.
 

Rosebud

MyPTSD Pro
I saw this and meant to come back, I actually heard that that is a sign of abuse- news to me, and not something I interpreted that way. I think if you've done something wrong, it's understandable, if not, not really for most people.

However, as a person who had ghosted a few people before, and didn't think there was any reason to feel badly about it until what I read years later, I actually think I intuited correctly that it was preferable for all parties involved. That is, trying not to ghost leads to more harm than ghosting. So can't win either way. don't want to cause harm - cause harm anyway. Even now, the reasons they list all the time for ghosting were never what I related to. I think some people intuit they are too much, or not enough, or recognize the lack of care there for one or both parties. JMHO though.
 
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Blink19

Update: I tried calling him and left a message just to let me know that he was okay and haven't heard back. I am not planning on reaching out to him again. I feel confused and hurt- especially because I'm sure he is still talking to friends and family at this time.
 

Freida

Sponsor
I actually think I intuited correctly that it was preferable for all parties involved. That is, trying not to ghost leads to more harm than ghosting.
yep

I had no idea that my ghosting had any effect on my supporters until I came here and started talking with the long term ones. It kinda shocked the hell out of me because I thought ghosting benefited them because I left to avoid my issues rather than being around and difficult

And even with all the guidance of the people here? I still struggle with it - a lot.
 
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Shiny

I started seeing a combat veteran a few months ago (we are not in a committed relationship officially- but it doesn't seem like either of us want to see other people). Since I've known him, there have been a couple times where he has dropped off the face of the earth and shut me out- the last time it was because he was grieving a death of a fellow soldier. I wound up dropping off a care package for him and that seemed to "bring him back." A week and a half ago, he told me that he was having a terrible week at work and was feeling depressed. He said that I could call if I needed anything from him but that he would talk to me later. Other than him replying to a Valentine's Day message I sent, I have not heard a word from him in that week and a half. I've tried reaching out twice to see how he is doing, but my messages have gone unanswered. Yesterday, I texted him that I would respect his alone time and that I was still here for him. I don't understand why he fully shuts me out. I want to be there for him but I feel like he's not letting me. He mentioned to me before that he is either 1. talkative, social, etc or 2. withdrawn because of his PTSD.

In the past, he has come back after having around a week of space, but it's been longer this time and it makes me wonder/nervous if he's not going to come back. How do y'all cope with this kind of uncertainty when your loved one withdraws/isolates/shuts you out?

I have been there, same story, but I came on the realization that I don’t want to be in a relationship with somebody who disappears and cuts me off without an explanation, unless there is an effort to heal on his part.
 
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