SI after months asymptomatic

Chris-duck

MyPTSD Pro
I dunno if this is mostly just a depressive episode that I've always kinda had on n off mixed with a lack of uh just being used to it. But it's a bit annoying.

I don't think it's something I need a therapist for, and I'm not unsafe, I'm just really frustrated at my dumbarse brain.

I've basically been discharged 4 months ago or something with stuff to do on discharge. Which is all good. But now I'm just agitated and frustrated and full of SI thoughts. I'm not worried I'll act, I'm just *angry* cos like it's been a decent few months.

My usual bullshit about how I can't be arsed living with this forever (bbz you just had a solid break) and how nothing will get better (which is dumb af cos things are actually very much better than last year)

Encouragement would be welcome cos I'm pretty sure it'll pass. Or tell me I'm being dumb, cos I am. It's almost defo from 60 hour weeks on a particularly stressful ward rn. And if nowt else, just remind me how to hide it better.

I don't even really think it's PTSD related. But I'm gonna go ahead and assume my bollocks is still valid here.

Thanks dudes
 

barefoot

Sponsor
For what it’s worth, I don’t think it is / you are dumb.

And I think I can relate to what you’re saying in some way.

When my partner and I first got together years and years ago, she used to say to me that when things were going really well, I would make a problem. As though I didn’t want the ease and the good feelings, and that I preferred the stress and bad feelings.

And I absolutely don’t like stress and drama and conflict and arguments and tension etc etc. I really don’t. And yet, there was something that seemed to dysreguoate me about things with her rolling on just fine.

I know this isn’t the same as your example.
But in wonder if there’s something in that? That we are used to the familiarity of things being a certain way. And that, when things are a different way (even though it’s arguably a ‘better’ way’ it can feel unsettling and scary, as on some level we perhaps want to stay with what we know best? Because the new way feels risky or perhaps even dangerous or unsafe. Or perhaps we don’t know who we are in this unfamiliar way of living, being and feeling?

Dunno. That may be a big ol’ miss that doesn’t resonate at all. But I certainly don’t think you’re dumb for feeling this way.

And when you then throw a tough week at work into the mix, it’s understandable, I think, that it impacts your mood.

I’m pretty sure it will pass too. I hope so!

Sorry it’s a hard time. (Still glad to hear there’s been better time before this dip though!)
 

OliveJewel

MyPTSD Pro
when things were going really well, I would make a problem.
I also get told that I do this. Can’t really accept it yet but I think I understand why people would see it that way.

@Chris-duck sounds like you are stressed up the wazoo. Brain is just an organ doing its thing, saying, “This works, right?” Not going to call you dumb, rather exhausted. How are you doing with
stuff to do on discharge.
I hear you on the annoying. Very much so.

What’s in your coping tool bag?
 

joeylittle

Administrator
It's almost defo from 60 hour weeks on a particularly stressful ward rn.
This. Never underestimate how powerful these kinds of situational stressors can be. I'm not saying, "oh, it's nothing, you're just working a lot" - more like, yeah, this is the sort of shit that can pull everything down.
I don't think it's something I need a therapist for, and I'm not unsafe, I'm just really frustrated at my dumbarse brain.

I've basically been discharged 4 months ago or something with stuff to do on discharge. Which is all good. But now I'm just agitated and frustrated and full of SI thoughts. I'm not worried I'll act, I'm just *angry* cos like it's been a decent few months.
I can identify with this, esp. the anger/frustration, when you can know that you've made progress, and things have been better, and then it's like - f*ck, not again.

What helps me is remembering that I've got really solid recent evidence and experience that this will, in fact, pass. Identifying the situational aspects (work getting especially hard, or anything else - extremely bad news, days getting shorter, days getting longer, etc, etc. - can help you understand the 'why now?' of it, which doesn't necessarily help you feel better, but it can disrupt the spiral that kicks in when it starts to seem like you're going backwards. Or that you'll never fully recover. Like this stuff:
My usual bullshit about how I can't be arsed living with this forever (bbz you just had a solid break) and how nothing will get better (which is dumb af cos things are actually very much better than last year)
Acknowledging the reality of your current situational stressors gives you another tool to challenge the hopelessness.
I don't even really think it's PTSD related. But I'm gonna go ahead and assume my bollocks is still valid here.
Always.Something doesn't have to be directly related to trauma, to have it be a by-product of the aftereffects of living with past trauma - I don't know if that makes sense, hopefully it does.
 

intothelight

Sponsor
@Chris-duck Life just kind of throws wrenches and sometimes they hit and make a person spin a bit. Don't beat yourself up as a set back can happen, but you know how to manage it and the harder part is figuring out how to prevent or weather it better in the future. By the way, I could be writing this to myself as I have done really well for months on end and found myself struggling the past few weeks. It gets better and the recovery time from a set back is a lot shorter than one's in the past. Hope it gets better for you soon.
 

Freida

MyPTSD Pro
t's almost defo from 60 hour weeks on a particularly stressful ward rn.
ya think?
Good grief -- anyone would be losing their shit after a 60 week on a crap ward.
Toss in a little ptsd and no wonder you are struggling.

My t has been blah blah blahing at me about "equilibrium" recently. As in - I've been in one state of it for many years and now I'm changing to a different kind. Like a fish that swims way deep in the ocean trenches where the pressure is super strong has no idea it's under pressure. Until you bring it up and the pressure lessens. Then they explode because, well, can't handle the light.

That's kind of where you are I think. You've found lightness, but it's new and scary and not your normal. So of course you will have bad days - especially when you are under massive stress.

But you have much better skills to deal with them, so give yourself some credit!
Before it would have been all about the SI.
Now it's about acknowledging how you feel and reaching out for help
That's pretty big.
 

Chris-duck

MyPTSD Pro
But in wonder if there’s something in that? That we are used to the familiarity of things being a certain way.
I think it's a similar idea but not exactly the same. It's not so much that a chill life doesn't feel right. It's kinda like no matter how I am at the time my brain is like "this is how things are, have always been and will be forever". So when I feel shit I'm like "okay so this is my life now" n when things are good I'm pretty much the same but uh in a different tone. And I basically totally forget uh everything that came before. So when things are consistently a bit shit I just adapt n I'm cool, but it's like I just forget things ever were even remotely hard the second I feel okay so it hits me harder than the same thing when I'm doing badly anyway.

No clue if that makes any sense
What’s in your coping tool bag?
Hah. I'm awful at these questions. I tend to just go with distraction n it passes. N I'm working 12.5 hours a day for another 7 outta the 9 days. So that kinda works. Even though obv it also is kinda part of the cause.. but yeah.

Longer term I take relatively regular wee weekends away n chill with mates. I know a lot of cbt n dbt techniques. But uh honestly I find a lot of them a bit frustrating heh.
This. Never underestimate how powerful these kinds of situational stressors can be. I'm not saying, "oh, it's nothing, you're just working a lot" - more like, yeah, this is the sort of shit that can pull everything down.
Aw yeh I know. Like it's so nuts cos yesterday it was just one nurse for 28 patients on a ward that wasn't even my own. So it's so unsafe. But management are just like "well just get on with it"
Always.Something doesn't have to be directly related to trauma, to have it be a by-product of the aftereffects of living with past trauma - I don't know if that makes sense, hopefully it does.
It does. Thanks
By the way, I could be writing this to myself as I have done really well for months on end and found myself struggling the past few weeks
Thanks. N hope things ease up for you too soon
That's kind of where you are I think. You've found lightness, but it's new and scary and not your normal.
Heh. Yeah. Thanks. I honestly think a lot of it is tiredness and normal human stress these days. Kinda just makes it more frustrating though tbh cos like "no real reason"
 
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