Sibling Stress - She Doesn't Get It

[Grama-Herc]

:rolleyes: I sincerely hope that one of you guys out there can help me accept the lack of interest, understanding, consideration and love that I don't receive from my only sibling--a sister. She does live way up north in Michigan in the USA and I live in Florida,USA and if I don't initiate contact, I would never hear from her. It takes my nagging her a lot and often, via computer, just to get her to call our mother. Mom is 83 and has not seen her only grandson, age 16, since he was an infant. My sister never calls on occasions of any kind and she is training the grandson to act the same way. I am on a fixed income with zero cash to spare, but I did manage to sent the boy $10 for his 16th b'day. No thank you--no phone call--nothing and I resent it.
I also resent being down here caring for Mom with NO help from her of any kind and resorting to begging her to call Mom once in a while. My goodness I sound bitter, did not see that one coming. Ok guys, it is your turn! I need your feedback However, I do need to acknowledge that I do not resent caring for my mother, it is the very reason why I moved back to my home town. In July we will be moving in together---it is time--Mom is beginning to slip alittle, but I digress! Need resentment training from you guys, OK? Herc is Lost on this one

 

[hodge]

I have a really similar situation with my brother, only I am the one who moved away. He doesn't return phone calls and I'm lucky to get pictures of my niece once a year.

My brother, I think, resents me for moving away. He says he understands that I can't deal with our mother, but I think it's got to affect him more. Our mother is very difficult to deal with. She was kind of abusive to us, and still is if we let her. But I don't think my brother and I have come to any common ground on that.

It hurts, because we were so close when we were younger. At this point, all I can think of to do is accept that he is the way he is, I am the way I am, and I have to work on myself and take care of myself. And maybe someday, things will be better between us. It seems we each found our own ways to deal with her. And they were very different. And, sadly, I think our different coping mechanisms have driven us apart somewhat.

I can also relate to what you say in that my husband and I are the ones here taking care of his mom, who turned 85 a few months ago. His brother lives in another state and comes here only rarely. He does call his mom once in a while, at least, but we are the ones who are here. I don't resent that. I'm glad, because she's been such a great and accepting mother-in-law. She has so many qualities that would have helped me if she had been my mom, and she does help me now, just by being who she is, so I really appreciate her.

Sorry, I don't know if this helped you at all, but I do kind of relate to what you're dealing with.

 

[wildfirewildone]

:hello: I do not feel close to my siblings....2 brothers and one sister...I am the 2nd oldest and the first girl....We all do not live very far from each other but we are distant in our relationships with each other....I was very close with my younger sister but her illness got in the way of our relationship over the years...I googled Narcisstic Personality Disorder yesterday and that diagnosis seems to really fit her....she has told me that she has PTSD..MPD..and ADHD...I haven't been around her much to even assess if she's really showing the symptoms of those disorders....it seems that she "picked up" the PTSD diagnosis right after I told her my diagnosis of it and with the ADHD after the commercials from the drug companies came out....I have no way of telling the reality of those for her.....I know that she is "always right" about what kind of mother I was to my son [all derogatory statements] as I raised him on my own...We were very close growing up but no more....when we were younger I was also very close to my older brother too....now we just see each other only on holidays....after our Easter dinner this year I asked him to go with me to the nearby gas station and put air in my right front tire....you would have thought I asked him for a million bucks with the way he carried on....very derogatory comments he made towards me..."You always seem to have a problem" "The air in a tire fluctuates when we have weather changes, don't you know that?" like I'm totally stupid....any ways after scolding me about not having a air pressure tool...he ended up not going with me....I sure can see the resembleness he has to our father...and by the time my younger brother got in first grade I graduated from high school....never any relationship there...The abuse drove us all apart and some times I really feel sad about it...but I don't let it drag me down any more....I have a good relationship with my son and a few friends so I am not alone inspite of a lack of closeness with
them .....PEACE ABOVE ALL

 

[Portabella]

I live far away from my siblings and Mother. I get to speak with my one sister at least weekly, mainly because I will be telling my mom something that my mom feels my sister would like to hear. My mom passes her along the phone so that she does not have to repeat what I just told her. My other sister and I are not even close, we talk about once a month when she answers when I am calling to speak with my mom, we are distant and civil at best. My brother is very distant and I have spoke to him once in the past 17 years. No ill will between us, just went our own ways in life. I antisipate then when my mom dies I will only speak with the one sister and all communication with the others will cease entirely. I am not able to return home and live with my mom, my sister does that and has her whole life. I hope my sister does not resent me for not being there.

 

[Monarch]

Herc - set your expectations a little low, that will help. You can't make someone do something they don't want to and you can't change that, they have to "want" to do it. If she doesn't want to have a relationship with you or your Mom, you can't make her and you can't guilt her into it, that will only hurt you and your Mom. I grew up with my grandma living with us, as my grandpa died when I was 7. My Mom took care of my grandma and still does, she has lived with them for 25 years, although she has her own apt. off the side of the house. Anyway, I know it is hard to not feel a little resentment that you are taking care of her and paying for everything but think about how good that makes your Mom feel and you are the one that gets to be close to her and love her and help her, think of it as something special. alright, it is a little sappy but I am trying.

 

[Grama-Herc]

Monarch. Well, I knew someone out there could say the right words to get this minute little problem into it's proper place in the big scheme of things. You are right, I am extremely blessed to even have my mom. To be able to share her life with her and have treasured moments that will last forever is a precious gift that only my mother can give me. Your message is just what I needed to put all this in order. Thank you for the right words Much thanks for caring to post HERC