Sexual Assault Similar stories, intimate partner rape/violence

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At first thank you if you take the time to read this. Sorry for this long post.
I was in a relationship with my abuser for 3 years. Abuse started after a few months. He was aggressive physically and verbally. Also he was very manipulative.

He has been forcing me to have sex with him countless times. It took me a long time to realise it was rape. Even though I do consider this rape I still feel like there is some sort of grey area. I’d like to share a bit of my story in order to find out if anyone experienced the same.

Well my ex boyfriend was very aggressive in general. He attacked his mother and me countless times, throwing things like mugs in our direction. He often jumped on me while screaming. Then sat on me held my hands locked to the side of my head so I could not move, while screaming at me. Or dragged me over the floor. One time he threw a chair at me. That kind of stuff. Sometimes I wonder if I am validated in calling this physical violence because he never beat me up, I never had really serious injuries whatsoever (which is a miracle) Yet I was so scared for him most of the time. I was walking on eggshells 24/7.

Well that’s about the physical violence.

Sexual violence was his thing. He always made me think he had just a high libido. He wanted his sex everyday, at least once. That he needed it, that it wasn’t so bad of him. At daytime I could get away with giving him oral most of the time. As long as he got his sex before he went to sleep. Well, he became aggressive very easily so I was so afraid. Refusing sex let to sleep deprivation and a lot of aggression and screaming (also it woke up his parents) so I just let him most of the time, after trying to fight him. After this went on and on sometimes all I did was before he came up with it, begging him if we could not have sex just for one day. When I noticed his anger coming up I sometimes just let him without really fighting. I asked a few times, begged really, but I didn’t always wait until he got mad. To be honest after time went on I didn’t have the energy. I was so tired mentally, from 24/7 being stressed and scared that I really needed to sleep. In the end of our relationship I became so hopeless that I begged him to wait with having sex with me until I was asleep. (he had done that before a few times. I felt like it was better than having to be there with my mind.) Does any of you have ever did something like that?

If you know what I just said, that I always gave in afterwards.. I mean after a lot of anger, screaming, sometimes physically, at some point he put a knife on his chest. But there were also many times when I just asked no a few times and let him before it got that far. It makes me feel like it’s my own fault. And I’m not allowed to call it rape.. But it was. I mean, to me it was.. I didn’t have any choice. When I did give in I just closed my eyes, laid there underneath him, with my eyes closed and completely frozen, waiting till it was over. All I was thinking was, how long will it take? I never gave him the idea (during sex) that I enjoyed, not in the least. I was in so much pain and just laid there like a zombie, I did never participate. I just.. let him.

With this information, and knowing that I had asked him, begged him not to every night, it was rape right? I mean, it was rape-like? Or is it my fault?

Also I have a weird thing. All those three years he never physically forced him on me. Except for one time on holiday. I had forgotten it for a long time and I am starting to remember it bit by bit. Sometimes I feel like I made it up in my head. Because this night might be legally 100% rape, in contrast to all I described above, but all the intrusive thoughts and flashbacks I get are about all the other nights. Does any of you recognise this, that the rapes through threats and mental abuse which led you to give in feels worse than those when your partner physically forced himself on you?

I feel so confused. Any similar stories or anyone who relates to any part of my story?


I could've written your post.
As I was reading it I thought to myself if this is the same guy.

In any case, what matters is how you feel about it. We can't tell you whether it is or isn't. You know it's abusive, and that's all that matters.
Whether you have ptsd or not, therapy is really advisable.

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