Sister issues

Smile

MyPTSD Pro
I just wrote this poem because I feel I’m going to bust. I’ve been doing so many things to try masking the pain… this seems to be the healthiest so far.

Daggers of pain

Your silence is so painful

Each day of your quietude that you live

In knowingly blissful unawareness

Feels like thousands of tiny daggers



Stabbing me

Stabbing me

Stabbing me

Until my body is left in pieces



Cigarette burns help

I’M in control of the stabs

The pain I inflict on myself

Is so much easier than your

Stabbings



Your ability to allow danger

To enter your family

And perhaps to CONTINUE in your family

I don’t have the ability to understand



I’m overflowing with fear

Pure unadulterated fear

For these innocent

To go through what I did

To go through what YOUR child did



And yet you’re fine

Life as usual

You continue

You’re not afraid



You continue your life

You continue your work

You continue your studies

You continue being a “loving” grandma



How?

HOW???

I TOLD you in all the gory & painful details

Of the monster in our midst



Your response; silence

For your skin level relationships

Which are now fraudulent

Weigh more on your scale in life



You’d rather not upset the peace

The FRAUDULENT peace

Then protect your family

Oh, so many tiny innocents



I cannot have this on my conscious

I WILL burst at some point

For now I’m contained to stabbing myself

But I must protect the innocent I love so much



You may live your life of guilty blissfulness

You may live with this on your consciousness

That you could have save even ONE

Of your own

If you had only opened your mouth



If it destroys my relationships

With my loved ones

Then so be it

For I shall not be selfish

I MUST protect what I was never protected from



I feel I have more to say

That this is far from over

But for now I’m drained……

I’m not looking for compliments… I desperately need advice! I’m so torn… what do I do???
 
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Smile

MyPTSD Pro
My caring about things in life is getting steadily less. I feel I’m slowly getting completely numb. In every aspect…
* mentally-not caring what happens to me, if I’m sick, too cold or too hot, get hit by a car etc
* physically-gain weight/lose weight; I just don’t care. Feel so disconnected from body. Burns all over from burning myself… just can’t seem to stop

But I also feel I’m going to just burst out of my head and/or body. I’ve been doing so many things to try making the pain go away…

I wrote this poem, seems to be the healthiest thing I’ve done so far. I hope it explains the story/situation well enough. If not, let me know & I’ll clarify

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE tell me what you’d do in this situation that I write about below! Please… I’m so lost.
Potentially losing my relationship with my sister’s SEVEN children AND all their children… hard 💔

Daggers of pain

Your silence is so painful
Each day of your quietude that you live
In knowingly blissful unawareness
Feels like thousands of tiny daggers

Stabbing me
Stabbing me
Stabbing me
Until my body is left in pieces

Cigarette burns help
I’M in control of the stabs
The pain I inflict on myself
Is so much easier than your
Stabbings

Your ability to allow danger
To enter your family
And perhaps to CONTINUE in your family
I don’t have the ability to understand

I’m overflowing with fear
Pure unadulterated fear
For these innocent
To go through what I did
To go through what YOUR child did

And yet you’re fine
Life as usual
You continue
You’re not afraid

You continue your life
You continue your work
You continue your studies
You continue being a “loving” grandma

How?
HOW???
I TOLD you in all the gory & painful details
Of the monster in our midst

Your response; silence
For your skin level relationships
Which are now fraudulent
Weigh more on your scale in life

You’d rather not upset the peace
The FRAUDULENT peace
Then protect your family
Oh, so many tiny innocents

I cannot have this on my conscious
I WILL burst at some point
For now I’m contained to stabbing myself
But I must protect the innocent I love so much

You may live your life of guilty blissfulness
You may live with this on your consciousness
That you could have save even ONE
Of your own
If you had only opened your mouth

If it destroys my relationships
With my loved ones
Then so be it
For I shall not be selfish
I MUST protect what I was never protected from

I feel I have more to say
That this is far from over
But for now I’m drained……
 

Movingforward10

MyPTSD Pro
Are you saying you think children are in danger or at risk? If so, best to call child protection or police and let them know what it is you know or suspect.

Are you asking how to keep yourself safe? Are you telling any mental health professionals about your struggles right now?
 

Smile

MyPTSD Pro
Are you saying you think children are in danger or at risk?
Yes, I’m sure of it. But this is something I just confirmed via flashbacks and recovered memories… from 30+ years ago…

No one will believe me.

call child protection or police and let them know what it is you know or suspect.
They’ll laugh in my face. It won’t do anything. And that’s IF I decided to go that route. Because the kids, my nieces & nephews will be so mad with me that I don’t think they’ll talk to me again

But the responsibility I feel is too great. It’s driving me out of my mind. I’m continuously burning myself… just trying to remove some of the guilt I feel. ARGH

What in real life support do you have? Who do you have in your life that can help? Who do you trust?
Not many people. Family’s out bc I told my sister, who’s ex-husband I’m referring to, and SHE doesn’t seem fazed. Friends… I have 2 close enough but they’re currently going through hard stuff themselves so besides my T… no one
 

Movingforward10

MyPTSD Pro
I don't know what country you are in, but in the UK you can report suspected child abuse to social workers anonymously.
I did for my nephews and nieces. So no one knew it was me. Meant I could still see them.
Took ages for child protection to actually do something. Took more than one phone call and a couple of years. But, eventually they intervened.

So, if you think they are being harmed: call.

You don't need to say you think they are being harmed as you have had memories resurface. You can say that they are exposed to someone who is unsafe and you are worried about them.

If they don't find anything, they don't find anything. But you know you called.
 

joeylittle

Administrator
I hope it explains the story/situation well enough. If not, let me know & I’ll clarify

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE tell me what you’d do in this situation that I write about below!
If you could explain the situation, it would help readers be more helpful to you.
 

Smile

MyPTSD Pro
Ok, to summarize: recently I started having flashbacks to my second child molester. He is my ex-brother in law. I was having awful memories (he’s really mean & scares the hell out of me) of different things he’d done to me as a child. I wasn’t planning on telling my sister… why make her possibly feel bad or guilty when she wasn’t.

But then… the worst flashback of all. Me in a room with him while he’s doing something to one of his KIDS. One of my nieces or nephews! It took a while for me to realize all the implications. They had 7 children before divorcing. They (my sis and the monster) have over 20 grand babies.

So now I’m concerned. I call my sister and tell her.
I tell her I’m scared for the safety of her grandkids but not sure how her kids would take it if I told them. Also asked her opinion on me confronting him. sis is very calm, cold, about it & tells me she needs some time to digest all… totally understandable.

Although I am hurt she didn’t hive me any compassion to what had happened to me.

About a week later she gives me her opinion, but only after I’ve asked her for it. She says I can do what I like but thinks it’ll completely ruin my relationship with nieces and nephews.

I’m torn. I’m so close with most of them. Watched them grow up… they’re pretty much my age so I’m friends with them.

Now I’ve decided it’s selfish to worry about me and MY relationship when the alternative is children being hurt like I was. So I must say something.

But how??? They respect they’re privacy sooo much. So I don’t want to go public. I wouldn’t want to anyway bc I don’t want myself to be “news”.

But new concern: even if I tell his kids… who’s to say he’s not hurting other children in his community??

Every day, every hour that I keep silent and do nothing weighs so heavily on me.

I just have no clue how to deal with all of this.

I hope I explained clearly enough. If not, let me know.

Thanks all!
 

Movingforward10

MyPTSD Pro
So your nephew and neices are adults.
I don't think any good comes from telling adults what happened to them as I think adults need to come to terms with that themselves.

Are your nephew and neices leaving their children with their dad? If children are being left with him: can you phone the authorities anonymously.


Your other option is to tell your nephew and neices what their dad did to you and your worry about what he might do to other children..
That leaves you exposed though.
Do you think they will act in the way you want them too?

Your sister has found it hard to digest. Will they?
 

Friday

Moderator
I’m torn. I’m so close with most of them. Watched them grow up… they’re pretty much my age so I’m friends with them.

Now I’ve decided it’s selfish to worry about me and MY relationship when the alternative is children being hurt like I was. So I must say something.

But how??? They respect they’re privacy sooo much. So I don’t want to go public. I wouldn’t want to anyway bc I don’t want myself to be “news”.
If you’re close with most of them, that’s the in. You get together 1:1, or 1:7 and tell them that you’d been blocking out that Uncle Brother InLaw was a child molester for most of your life, but dealing with it now, need to make sure they’re aware so they can take whatever steps to protect their kids that they need to. The whole “You may already know this, and be taking steps to protect your children, but I wouldn’t be doing right by you or the kids to assume you remember what I didn’t.”

Yep. It may ruin your relationship(s) with some/any of them.
It may also ruin your relationship(s) to say nothing. Depends on them.

For my own self? I’m in the second group. As anyone who knows of a pedophile in my or my kids’ lives and says nothing? At BEST is dead to me, full stop. I will never see them, or speak to them, ever again. More commonly, I’d punctuate that decision with violence, to underscore exactly how seriously I took their deliberately with holding information that endangered my kids’ lives. The exact same way someone driving my kid around drunk would get yanked out of the drivers seat, and left bloody on the pavement.

If you’re gonna be hated/cherished either way? Choose what you want to be hated/cherished for. With the sheer number of people involved? It would be very rare for everyone to react/respond the same way. And in case there’s someone like me in that crowd, who sees some things in black and white? I’d bring backup. It might be totally unnecessary, and everyone else knows/this isn’t news, and they’re all cool/calm/collected/rational. I just wouldn’t plan on it. Bring someone who can de escalate the hotheads, and help cooler heads prevail.
 
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