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Sitting with my back to the door?

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Nope.

Sitting with my back to the door? Hell no.

Twisting your chair so that you're sitting side on to the table/desk if that's what's required to keep the door in your peripheral vision? Totally reasonable.
 
The nice thing about having my back to a wall is that it removes about 180 degrees of pay-attention. When I’m tired? That’s usually where you’ll find me. Ideally, in a corner. The disadvantages are outweighed by the fact that I am too damn tired to be paying attention to what’s going on in the -literal- background.

The thing I dislike about having my back to a wall is that it severely limits my options for movement/ anyone & everyone knows exactly the direction I’m going to be moving. Sure, I’ve got 180 degrees of choices, but that’s still... thattaway. Forward is the only option. Not a fan of easily predicted movement. The only difference by degrees.

Probably my favorite place to sit in a restaurant? Along the bar. (Another reason to love sushi! :sneaky: ) The mirror provides 360 degrees of view, and the reactions of the staff inform me as to movements of people behind me / fill in / confirm a lot of the awareness I have directed behind me. Like watching the people behind you via store front glass, but better, because the other people aren’t oblivious, as their tips depend on paying attention. And unlike waitresses who only mind their own tables, whomever is minding the bar is paying attention to everyone in view. The better the bar tender? The easier they are to read, as they angle their body, and make other small movements to let customers know they see them & are ‘important’ to them. Even if they’re busier than a one legged man in an ass kicking contest). The bar itself is great cover, and perfectly easy to slide down or nip over. Not that I do that a lot, I’ve almost never done it, but I’ve done it a few times. What I DO do a lot, is use the restroom/go out for a smoke/ duck through the kitchens on some pretense. Shrug. I very strongly dislike any venue above the 2nd floor, because I’m one of those people who doesn’t view doors as the only avenue of ingress/egress. And I’ve dug too many bodies out of rubble. I’ll still go to law offices on the 67th floor, or whatever, but I really don’t like to.

Before Covid, I was going to a counseling thing via the VetCenter... and am apparently the only combat vet who DOES sit with their back to the door in the room ;) I think my counselor thought I was doing better than I was, until the subject came up after about a year. I asked him if he knew how many people were in the hallway? Because I did. 1 pair of high heels, about a buck 25, and 3 pairs of sneakers. All right around 200lbs, 1 with a limp. 2 of them bullshitting with each other. I also asked him to pay attention the next time someone opened the door. And he FINALLY saw what I saw... each and every single time? The person saw HIM, and then -IF they noticed me at all- did a little half start whenever they finally saw me. Right at waist level. Below and almost behind them. Perfectly positioned to either yank them off balance into the room, while I slipped out behind them, or to reverse their weapon on them, if they came in armed. No distance to close. In perfect position to instantly gain the upper hand. AND Aware they were coming, and their general body size, before their hand touched the knob.... And about as far away from everyone else IN the room as humanly possible :p Cough.

From very early on I’d decided I was allowed to be as much of a wackadoodle nutjob as I wanted... IF AND ONLY IF... no one saw me doing it. Meaning I can scan -and virtually every thing else- to my hearts content, as long as I don’t look like a squirrel on crack. And by strong preference also not like I’m on duty. If people are automatically giving me about 1 arms distance they leave around cops, guards, and other people of authority? I’ve lost the game I play with myself. My goal? Is to be invisible. Which means being subtle, blending in, popping up on no one else’s radar. I don’t always manage that, especially if I’m tired or running symptom hot, but it’s my goal.
 
@Friday - how awesome is ptsd, am I right?
Noting the difference in mindset going on there. I like my back to the wall, any potential abuse/assault? I've already submitted to it in my ptsd-brain - I just like to know it's coming!
 
My goal? Is to be invisible. Which means being subtle, blending in, popping up on no one else’s radar. I don’t always manage that, especially if I’m tired or running symptom hot, but it’s my goal.
I get that too. I don't have the sitting with back to the wall thing, but I have the "don't notice me" thing. Blend in. Be not seen. Not noticed. No harm can happen then.
But it also backfires when successful. Because then I'm not seen or heard or noticed. Which is painful too.

I suppose healing means finding a middle ground and not being on high alert all the time. Somehow.
 
Snort.

I decided I'm fine being whackadoo nutjob... even if people see it... as long as no one's getting hurt in the process. As that's on my shitlist.

Plain being as crazy as a coconut is fine.

Besides, even as much as I hate being exposed, or even feeling so? It's kinda what juust happens. The acts after and consequences, matter more.

And may not be on me.
 
Nope.

Sitting with my back to the door? Hell no.

Twisting your chair so that you're sitting side on to the table/desk if that's what's required to keep the door in your peripheral vision? Totally reasonable.

I do the same. If I sit at the bar there is usually a mirror there, and I take advantage.

I guess I am not the only one. Wow!
 
I always face the door, close, unless the door opens on an alley or somehow is not a good option, then I will always know where the other exit is and sit near it, facing the door. I HATE the corner booth, and there is too much traffic right behind me sitting at the bar to ever relax, even with mirrors. I am at the end, watching the door.
I had a counselor whose office was ground floor with windows that faced the handicapped parking, a sidewalk and some shrubs away from the back of her head. It scared her when I stood up every time someone pulled into a space out there, until she realized I had seen the victims of gas/brake confusion a few times and started listening for cars pulling in so she knew when I was going to go to my feet.
If I think about a possible danger and don't prepare to act if it happens, I have no one to blame but myself, I was open for it and it happened-woulda shoulda coulda.
I walk the edges of the lines getting into a concert or a ball game and know where the nearest tree to shiiny up is, where theres a break in the wall or fence to duck into, where theres a parking meter to grab if the crowd goes stampede. Always look for triangles I can dive for if theres an earthquake, and I try to know where the big power box is if I am going to be there long enough.
Same in traffic- look for the escape routes if that ass behind me doesn't slow down when I am stopped. That one saved me a nasty rear end that put three out four people in the two cars that were in front of me in the hospital critical. I was high centered on a curb, waiting for someone to help me push it back to where my front tires could both catch and holding c spine on a victim instead.
It IS tiring, but so is waiting in an ER and the way I see it, we are all just a few seconds away from ending up there when there are people we don't know in circumstances we cant control involved.
I have heard too many people say that they never thought it could happen to them to ever be able to say it myself. I think it can and I am wearing shoes with good soles on them and clean underwear, dog tags with ICE numbers and a way to defend myself if I have to hide and get found. And watching the door.

And by strong preference also not like I’m on duty. If people are automatically giving me about 1 arms distance they leave around cops, guards, and other people of authority? I’ve lost the game I play with myself. My goal? Is to be invisible. Which means being subtle, blending in, popping up on no one else’s radar. I don’t always manage that, especially if I’m tired or running symptom hot, but it’s my goal.
My wife keeps score for me. I lose that game. Hard not to get noticed at 6' 300 +/-. And I don't look like a cop, beard, stash, colorful shirts and cargo shorts or Levis. Anyone near my size always looks at me like I am the guy to watch, and I watch them back. I like the squirrel on crack comment, totally know it when I see it. The best I can do is to be talking to someone that knows I am going to be looking around the room while I do. My wife has worked in restaurants and bars most of her life, and banks the rest of the time. She can spot a cop like no one else I know, and the felons too most of the time we think. She sees people sizing me up and laughs when she tells me about it later. I lose at that game, but I too have decided I can be bat shit crazy if I wanna and don't really care what anyone thinks if I am obviously looking out for my own welfare and deciding who to keep tabs on.
I know a Marine that says it great- polite to everyone, friendly to no one, and three viable ways to kill them before they are close enough to do any of them to him. Perfection, except I think escape and evade before evisceration, always.
 
I had not idea I always picked the seat facing the door - with a wall at my back, until it came up in therapy.
My supporters laughed. One said "hun - you have physically moved me out of your way a time or two so you could sit there. We ALL know you do that".

Huh. how bout that? :laugh:
 
It is a bit more complicated for me. I was always sensitive to my surroundings. It had nothing to do with trauma.

Back in 1991, due to a technical detail I could not be deployed with my classmate. He was sent to Iraq, and I was left behind. He was killed. I felt guilty about it. Maybe he would not have died if I were there with him. Maybe I would have died as well. I do not know. I thought I had seen the back of it, but I was wrong.

In 2009, I was traveling (in China for work) with another colleague. He had a brush with death just a few years back and was a bit sensitive to his surroundings. We went to the canteen for breakfast. I had arbitrarily sat facing the door. He said, "If you sit there then it is your job to watch the door". I do not know why I feel compelled to do so since that day. I saw a professional about it. She said that I might feel guilty because I failed to save one colleague and I fear losing another. It seems I watch the door so I can keep others safe and not myself.

The good news is no 3-meter-tall green monster from another world has ever come through the door. That was a joke to lighten the mood.
 
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