Situation unchanged still fouled up

I cleaned up a bit today and now I'm exhausted. My muscles are a bit numb and mind is hazy.

Apparently there's a thunderstorm and I can not not pay attention to it.

Got some multivitamins and hope that helps with brain fog. 🌼
 
Ugh just had a blood sugar crash for around 6 hours, don't even know. It was so scary this time round, don't remember the last time I had such symptoms for so long. It went away without having glucose, I think... I mean my heads clearer now.

Glad I always tell myself I'm worthless and don't deserve to live so at least I didn't bother anyone. And funnily enough I'm still alive to waste people's time.

Looking back my mind was really confused and it was almost like I was possessed but kinda knew I would most likely make it out alive since the body has its ways. I wouldn't know if I didn't make it either, don't want my last moments in pain and fear if possible.

Makes me think of the soldiers who call for their mum when they're about to die. It's almost always a parent? I have no one to call to cause I don't trust anyone and I was born an accident.

I don't deserve anyone to talk to.
I don't deserve to live.
I don't deserve anyone to hold my hand.
I don't deserve to feel comfortable.
I don't deserve a hug.
I don't deserve to eat my favourite foods again.
I don't deserve to have a future.
I don't deserve to smile.

Even though only one person would push me over the limit and dehumanize me up to this point it's still not possible to convince myself I'm more than that sometimes. Really do not feel like triggering myself again, his memories are draining. He wouldn't care what becomes of my life anyway.

My brain probably don't run on logic at this point.
 
Just took a walk after the rain. Heard sirens and froze. Knew they were not for me but I was already in a not-so-good headspace so why not add to that.

It's hard for me to find joy in the little things. I kinda hope it's just one of those days but has been like this almost everyday.
 
Had a really intense derealisation episode and thought I was going to be stuck like that forever. Not fun! Then I friggin' remembered him again and had all those thoughts ran through my mind! It's the second time this week WTF! I don't even remember exactly, I mean my thoughts are always scattered when this happens but it's similar ones everytime and takes up way too many hours of the day. It's actually more like feelings than memories and I don't think they'll ever fade.

Also experienced both cold and hot sweats, it feels like it's leaking through my body due to derealisation. Tried to sleep but couldn't. Felt like I was half dead and my body keeps waking itself up.

Finally couldn't take it anymore and needed to punch something as to not let him win. It didn't hurt that much but the pain made me snap out of it, sorta. I mean I'm too tired to continue thinking. My head hurts, like it's bleeding.

Wish I could say "Hope I can sleep it off" but don't believe it anymore.
 
I always wake up feeling awful with no energy. Today isn't an exception. Changed the bedsheets again after already changing 2 days ago.

All my muscles hurt, especially the ones in my arm but it makes sense.
 
I just ate a 252 calorie chocolate cupcake! With frosting!

I never have frosting anymore since the sugar gets absorbed so fast.

It was so small I ate it in 2 bites, so many CALORIES for such a small amount.

252 is a much satisfying number than 250 or 255 in my opinion so not completely mad. Also I didn't buy it so don't want to purge.

Thinking of pacing around and exercising it off, it's not like I can sleep anyway. Weird I hardly ever exercise.

Really do not need another mental breakdown.
 
I kept dissociating today, my brain is trying to make me believe something bad will happen and not preparing for it by dissociating more. Not sure what but part of me want to feel better.

Only drank one cup of coffee otherwise I won't be able to sleep until 7am again so can't think properly.
 
I'm still dissociating a lot today. Sometimes it's like I might pass out and keep forgetting to breathe.

Everything I think about makes me stressed which causes me to dissociate more. Nothing really comforts me anymore.

It's not possible to "ground" myself if I have nothing to hold onto.

I can't decide what to even wear, nothing really suits me and I can't help overthink and notice if something's different. If I move an object then my mind just gets scattered and forces itself to not think completely.
 
I can't stand anything touching me. If I touch a light switch or kettle that someone else already touched, then I need to wash my hands with soap immediately. No offence to anyone really, I don't think I'll ever be completely clean.

There's a pile of laundry which I need to wash tomorrow. Don't feel like touching it now otherwise will need to wash my hands again.

Didn't realise my legs were freezing. I can't seem to find clothes that matches the temperature I want to be today. It's not always like that but it annoys me a bit today. I'm really anxious and it changes my body temperature which makes it harder to make up my mind.
 

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