Situation unchanged still fouled up

The neighbours are playing music just a tad bit loud but at least it doesn't have a fast beat which will stress me out too much. It's still unfamiliar tho so I'm still uncomfortable and can't really feel ~safe~ šŸ˜µ My mind will not calm down and I'm not trying to think of anything.

Really want to go for a walk but don't want to be seen or acknowledged. I feel so distant from myself and unreal.

I'm not dissociating as much as the last couple hours but still my brain refuses to accept there's supposed no "danger".

Something feels off.
 
It's weird how restless and tense I am while having no energy. I cannot sit or lay comfortably.

I simultaneously want to sleep forever and run in an open field. šŸž
 
4 hours of sleep and my eyes are burning!! My heart won't let me calm down for even a minute.

Seems I've stopped dissociating when it'll be beneficial.

The neighbours are drilling something and it seems extra loud, sometimes wish I could get a warning for these things but oh well, my sleep schedule is f*cked.
 
Iā€™m sorry youā€™re going through such a horrible time with this :(

You seem to be taking the shame that should be his. A lot of recovery surrounds reprogramming the shame thatā€™s imposed on us for no good reason. As kids or adults itā€™s so easy to take the blame for what happens to us, that really should go to someone else.
 
Iā€™m sorry youā€™re going through such a horrible time with this :(

You seem to be taking the shame that should be his. A lot of recovery surrounds reprogramming the shame thatā€™s imposed on us for no good reason. As kids or adults itā€™s so easy to take the blame for what happens to us, that really should go to someone else.
It's much more than that.
 
I can't even die, every single day I always wake up with more brain damage.

No one told me I deserve to live which means I clearly don't. It takes so much effort and nothing works. I just want my last moments to end quickly without thinking about him. The only thing I know is that he has no remorse for what happened to me.
 
Better take note of this experience cause I don't like where I left off. I never even remember what happened after. I mean I remember it all happened and even my exact thoughts but the experience and how trapped I am gets wiped from my brain after my next sleep and I know it will come back another day. It's been like this for so long and it's so predictable.

I did get some chores done during the day which inturn overflowed my stress cup and my mind just decides to replay an unrelated memory. I noticed this a lot, I re-experience all these feelings again when a slight stressor happens more than triggers for memories of him. Haven't been keeping track but kinda feels that way.

Felt like I was going to die, it wasn't a panic attack but I still had low blood pressure (thought was low iron at first but didn't supplement and it went away) when I stood up and took a step, almost saw stars and nearly had tinnitus. My brain and entire head felt so broken, it went on for at least 3 hours, probably more. It's the same damn thoughts going over and over.

It had no chance of stopping and I thought my brain will permanently be damaged so decided to punch something. This works everytime when I think of him too long, it snaps me out of it in a few seconds, not sure why I didn't do this sooner instead of putting myself through this everytime. There isn't much muscle or fat left in my hands so had to soften my punch and do it a few times to have any effect. Apparently the only way I can "heal" is to do this cause even my favourite music doesn't work and gets on my nerves.

Interesting how the brain shuts down some parts and I get tunnel vision. I can't see or accept that I'm more than what he tried to make me believe I am.

Makes so much sense stuff like this will drive people to suicide if it keeps going long enough.
 
Today was not good. I didn't do too much damage compared to other days so there's that. Already forgetting most of what happened.

Went outside and it didn't help with my mood. I can't see myself ever being okay when I have nothing to hang onto.
 
I think I'm slightly less depressed today but mostly still feel nothing. Ate way too much and I probably ended up digesting more than I wanted but still still ended up shaking from hypoglycemia even though I had 500ml of coconut water with SUGAR in it.

Also had lots of sweetners which made me lose my mind for some reason and I had a derealisation episode all evening but calmed down now.

Washed my hair and put on some perfume, feel slightly better. šŸŒƒ
 

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