Better take note of this experience cause I don't like where I left off. I never even remember what happened after. I mean I remember it all happened and even my exact thoughts but the experience and how trapped I am gets wiped from my brain after my next sleep and I know it will come back another day. It's been like this for so long and it's so predictable.
I did get some chores done during the day which inturn overflowed my stress cup and my mind just decides to replay an unrelated memory. I noticed this a lot, I re-experience all these feelings again when a slight stressor happens more than triggers for memories of him. Haven't been keeping track but kinda feels that way.
Felt like I was going to die, it wasn't a panic attack but I still had low blood pressure (thought was low iron at first but didn't supplement and it went away) when I stood up and took a step, almost saw stars and nearly had tinnitus. My brain and entire head felt so broken, it went on for at least 3 hours, probably more. It's the same damn thoughts going over and over.
It had no chance of stopping and I thought my brain will permanently be damaged so decided to punch something. This works everytime when I think of him too long, it snaps me out of it in a few seconds, not sure why I didn't do this sooner instead of putting myself through this everytime. There isn't much muscle or fat left in my hands so had to soften my punch and do it a few times to have any effect. Apparently the only way I can "heal" is to do this cause even my favourite music doesn't work and gets on my nerves.
Interesting how the brain shuts down some parts and I get tunnel vision. I can't see or accept that I'm more than what he tried to make me believe I am.
Makes so much sense stuff like this will drive people to suicide if it keeps going long enough.