Situation unchanged still fouled up

I can't be left alone with my thoughts, my mind wouldn't rest even though I'm not thinking of anything. 😕

Would love to have a hobby but nothing interests me and I get irritated easily.
 
I'm suddenly really HUNGRY I'M GONNA LOSE IT !!!

Haven't felt physical hunger in a couple of months, very rarely at least. It's so unusual cause I thought the body and mind would drop everything and search for food with my amount of intake but I haven't been really interested even when passing the grocery store or looking at pictures like I used to.

Also I thought cravings come and go, in waves? That's what a lot of people said but when I get them, they linger so long I either need to have it or do some form damage to myself which is clearly ineffective since I will still be HUNGRY!

Well I've been thinking of butter noodles specially for the past 3 days, not consistently but every couple of hours and I thought it would disappear but no, still thinking of it.

Wait why is it everytime I get hungry, it's so sudden and A NEED?! I can't get it off my mind.

I have the freedom to go and get some which is what makes it so unbearable. No one's going to stop me from eating or not eating. Besides myself and my memories.
 
8:20pm
It covered the entire sky. 💕

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I keep getting mood swings all day and it's about to cause another flashback. I really do not need this.

Ughh can't even tell what I'm experiencing but I can't stand it.

Still so damn hungry, what even is going on. My brain and body seems to be working against each other and not letting me rest.
 
I had a couple of different vivid dreams last night and can't recall anything but it was very engaging while it lasted. Didn't wake up til 4pm so can't have coffee otherwise will not be able to sleep again. I keep having busts of energy in the early morning. My brain fog is so bad I'm taking minutes just to form a sentence.

Another thing, around midnight I had another binge and well didn't realise how stressed I was. My muscles were literally clenched for no reason. 😞 I've managed to keep my food during the day for a while and idk, was just really damn hungry yesterday, out of nowhere and with no changes...
Haven't calculated everything yet, I'm guessing it's over 3000 cals. I've been so obsessed with numbers but still don't have the ability to make an estimation?

I don't know what to think. I can't tell if I was panicking after eating, won't be surprised if I was considering my view on food. Had heart palpitations, hot flushes and sweating and went into fight response. As in, I had memories of that one person who left me like this and well, I can't exactly blame him when I was the one who choose to eat so didn't feel like doing anything destructive, I mean I'm definitely not on with allowing myself to eat but it seems to have soothe the irritation I've been feeling all day.

Was it worth it? No, I think I'd rather still be restless and annoyed then full. I can't find any reason to let this body survive.

Still feel completely nothing after a half a day, much better and calmer but I still don't have emotions.
 
I'm so exhausted. Been getting way too many mood swings in the last couple days, it's taking up a lot of energy and brain power.

Think I'm dissociating a lot more than I realise, sometimes I don't notice until a pretty bad episode where nothing feels real. At least there's a false sense of safety cause I would feel a lot more pain if I wasn't numb.

I still get intrusive thoughts about that person but it's only like my mind is haunted but no fight energy phew.

At least I'm not hungry anymore, that would make things so much worse. I mean not hungry enough to drive me mad haha.
 
Well I have no plans for the rest of the week. Really want to go out tho, haven't been out much since the start of year, I'm getting anxious about it and don't even know why. If I haven't been out for only 3-5 days, sometimes I just get really afraid for no good reason and I just can't unless already have plans ugh. I mean of course I can but I'm more safe if I'm locked in ...

Another thing, with the place I'm staying at, I can hear the neighbours footsteps when I'm in the bathroom, it sounds like they are in the hallway outside. Everytime I go out and check, of course there's no one. This definitely has me dissociating more and experiencing more sound sensitivity and panic.
 
I am straight up not having a good time. Already ruined everything on purpose and now I can't even sleep, it's 7am. I have no idea how my brain makes decisions anymore. My stomach hurts so much and I can't get comfortable.
 
My muscles and joints are extra sore today. It takes a lot of energy to move and stretch and I need to be careful or my limbs will break.

Just checked, and it's only my upper body, my neck, shoulder blades, ribs, whatever is under my ribs and not covered by the bones and entire arms.
 
Really wanted to go for a walk, took a shower, got dressed but when I went to open the door I started dissociating out of my mind and had sensory overload, every little movement I made were really loud and sharp and firing through my brain.
Calmed down and tried to step out twice but it happened again?!

Had too much coffee and now panicking for no reason! 😑
 
Really wanted to go for a walk, took a shower, got dressed but when I went to open the door I started dissociating out of my mind and had sensory overload, every little movement I made were really loud and sharp and firing through my brain.
Calmed down and tried to step out twice but it happened again?!

Had too much coffee and now panicking for no reason! 😑
Well I magically felt better after complaining about it haha.

On my 3rd cup of coffee, hmm I wonder why I can't sleep.

Wish I could eat something so I have actual energy for my brain to function instead of chaotic stress induced energy.
 
I'm very tired but my mind is awake. I could fall asleep now if I wanted to but it's like there's something telling me not to? Something's haunting me, something always is but right now more than ever. There's multiple things, most I can identify. Don't want to talk about and I'm actually already forgetting most of it.

Dreams are one of the few things I look forward to since I rarely get nightmares and it's the only way I can avoid reality altogether. I'm (was) in so much emotional pain I can feel my brain producing natural opiates (forgot the chemical is called). This only happens when I get so overwhelmed for couple hours I'm convinced my head will explode so can't trigger myself to get this feeling and without substances it's very prominent and the only time I'm truly calm without my nervous system kickstarting for no reason. I guess it's whatever sanity I have left trying to save itself but it does the job. A reminder that life is so precious even if don't think I'll most likely not live long enough to see it. The body always repair itself no matter how much I try to damage it, so does the mind according to years of observation.

I can't bring myself to ever talk about anything that happened, it's like I'm making my illnesses up. It's a ghost only I can see and can never let it go so it always comes back, been like this for many years I can almost ease the pain sometimes but it'll still come close to full force no matter what. Can't keep it down forever if I'm still alive.
 

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