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Situation with a friend

Discussion in 'Relationships' started by addvalueaddtime, Jul 14, 2018 at 1:44 AM.

  1. addvalueaddtime

    addvalueaddtime New Member

    I went out with a friend of mine and some of her friends this Thursday. We´ve known each other since we were 16-17, and we´re 24-25 now, though I lived abroad for three of those years and struggled keeping in touch with a lot of people, her included. Being queer folk in a medium-to-small sized town with a, up until recently, kind of dead "scene", we have considered the other at different points of our friendship for dating or just trying out something, but I guess our timing was mismatched

    We haven´t really hung out properly since I moved back last year, we´ve tried making plans but either she or I has had to cancel because of stuff. She has struggles with anxiety and took a short break from school a few months back because of a depressive burnout. I can barely function most days because my brain is constantly in the past and I have recurring bouts of depression. So mainly or communication has been via texting/messaging or phone calls for quite a while now.

    Either way, we partied pretty f*cking hard. We kissed a lot, which we hadn´t done before. I was very drunk after a certain point, so was she. We went home with two guys and everyone pretty much fooled around with everyone. It was in general just fun, apart from one of the guys being a bit odd at times.
    She and I talked about it yesterday just to check in on each other and also to avoid future awkwardness I guess. She invited me over to hang out at her place, but I had already gone out of town for a family thing so I said that I couldn´t but that I´d like to see her again some other day.

    The problem is I guess that sex makes me weird, especially after having sex with men. And I had intercourse with both of those guys, which I haven´t done since almost a year back when I broke off a friends with benefits-arrangement that just wasn´t working. Some of my trauma is from sexual abuse. I dissociate a lot, and I have trouble knowing when I really want to do something or if I´m just doing it to not cause a situation, end up in trouble, I guess. As is usually the case with me after having sex, there´s parts of me that feel very shitty. Like a knot in my stomach/chest area. And this anxious tension like something bad is about to happen, my thoughts go wild in a way that furthers the stress. When I closed my eyes images of our "shenanigans" mixed with other, less good memories sort of centered, like I was looking at it from far away through a circular hole? I was also pretty terribly hungover yesterday, so that might add to the effect.

    I also suspect that I might be a bit into her, but we were pretty hammered as I mentioned, so I don´t know if any "spark" or such that I felt then might still be there. It felt different talking to her yesterday, and it wasn´t in a bad way.
    She mentioned that she suspected that she might be polyamorous or something within that spectrum, and it kind of felt like she was trying to see how I felt about it, though I might be reading too much into it. I don´t really see that as a problem, but I also feel like I need to take things very slowly if anything more were to happen between us. I´ve always been and am still very fond of her, but with my last and only relationship I sort of just passively tagged along and let her set the pace of things, which wasn´t healthy.

    I´ve avoided dating anyone seriously since I left my ex about 2,5 years ago, both because I feel like my health is a burden I don´t want to dump off on others when there´s too many bad days, and also because I feel I have some things to work on with myself. I both long for intimacy but feel terrified of it as well. Trusting someone somehow translates into "submitting" in my mind, and I hate that I feel that way, especially with people I really like.

    Either way things go with us, this incident has gotten me thinking about a lot of stuff. The fact that I´m quite obviously overthinking about something that I´m not even sure if I really want also concerns me.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 14, 2018 at 2:01 AM
    EveHarrington likes this.
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