Sleep? Deprivation is Painful

[Remnarc]

I’ve spent the better part of my adult life in the military. I have been proud of the fact that I could literally roll into a ball anywhere and be able to sleep. Now and days though I am lucky if I am able to push out maybe 3 hours a night. Every time it feels like I am about to fall asleep I wake right up, repeat and rinse. It has affected me in several areas of my life. I am a firm believer of being on-time consists of showing up at least 15 minutes early. That hasn’t worked for well over 6 months now, possibly longer since I am horrible with timelines. I also don’t have the drive to exceed the bare minimum requirement in anything that I do lately.

What confuses me the most are these feelings; I have always been a fighter and usually the person that people call to have their mood lightened up or to hang out with. Lately though, I have been shirking all of my friends and family for solitary living with just my wife and son. I think my wife is also feeling the impact of that. She also is becoming a major homebody like me. Or it might be my over bearing personality that is forcing it on her. I can see the changes that should be made, but once again it comes down to me not having the energy to force a change. It feels like this big giant hamster ball that I can’t stop running on.

Gregg

 

[Deleted member 93]

I think we can all relate on so many levels. I have just started to get some sleep. Hubs says it is just catching up with me, I think it is a little more than that personally. I think I have heard every trick in the book here, and them fail. Getting issues worked through seems to be the only thing that really helps sleep.

We rub off on our spouse. I know I did for a while and saw my husband go through a stint of depression that he seemed to shake after a while. We have to keep an eye out for that, it seems depression is "contagious".

And always being a fighter. You would be hard pressed to find someone that wasn't outgoing and often referred to as a fighter or the strong one.

 

[Kells]

ohhh yes, I relate to this one very well. I've lost many friendships to this. I recently lost two friendships... Although I tried in vain to explain why I isolate, they still took it personally and no longer speak to me. *shrug*

 

[anthony]

Rem, sleep gets better naturally as you heal your anxiety, because sleep depravation is a consequence off being anxious. Your mind is racing, hence you cannot sleep.

Rem, what you posted sounds exactly like me when I was still in the military at the end of my career because of my PTSD. It went down hill very very fast at that point. Be careful.... and get ready to pull yourself out and into hard hitting therapy.

 

[Beachbum]

i had that, max 4 hours a night for ages, bad coz it adds to all the other stuff, and was smoking myself to death coz what else to do all night! and i got into a downward spiral of body racing (in all ways) that was taking me nearer & nearer the edge. i don't like taking sleeping tabs but have used them on & off coz i dreaded the nights so much but so needed a rest & break from thinking, and had to slow down a little to be able to tackle things that would help me longterm. i've recently been given anti-histamines that have a sedative effect and i treat myself to a 'proper' nights sleep now & again - the sleep i get with these is delicious, not heavy, drift off, sleep THROUGH (yes!) wake naturally, (no after effects) and it helps recharge me for a bit. lots of sea swimming and battling waves helps a bit too.

 

[goingonhope]

bad coz it adds to all the other stuff, and was smoking myself to death coz what else to do all night!
i don't like taking sleeping tabs but have used them on & off coz i dreaded the nights so much but so needed a rest & break from thinking

I hear you loud and clear at 3:05 am. My fear is this is all about to begin again for me too and..OMG..I'm so exhausted. Have been logged in for 40 min. and staring into space, not knowing what to do. Even took off nic. patch I put on less than 4hrs. ago so I could smoke cigg. I've been smoking much and refuse to cont. on like this. (Staring into space again). ...flooded this morning with cont. thought. Most of which is remem. countless episodes of my untreated PTSD and how absol. powerless I was to find help or any control. And, it wasn't from a lack of effort. WTF. Spoke w/ husband about the possibility of him staying home from work today. He mumb. "I can't" and his sigh and breathing was a strong cue to refrain from asking unless absol. necess. On overload, way too much of what I'm thinking and feeling...way too much. I can't stand the thought of doing anything to make this escalate any further, though I cannot shut my head off to sleep maybe, just maybe I can sit and and do nothing. I too don't like taking anything for sleep. In worse case..this has got to be real bad I'll take sedative to sleep.

 

[Beachbum]

hey you, hope, you & me both. even my sleep tabs aren't working now. feels like even when 'asleep' i'm half awake & busy all night. big hug to you from me. i'm going to break my rule & take 2 tonight coz am going down fast & need the sleep to get strength, after good night i feel like a million dollars and we need that. i think it IS worth the risk to make a choice to use tabs for sleep coz of benefit we get. latest advice i got from psychiatric nurse is to do 4 days on, 4 days off, (i'd allowed myself once a week), he said then you're more likley to get into bit of routine for sleep. maybe worth a try? good luck you & me! x

 

[goingonhope]

Beachbum, Hey THX, and by the way how's your day been? Hope you feel like a million bucks!

Husband stayed home from work, at my request, and was sending the kids off to school when I woke up to his deep voice....So exhausted, I literally flew out of bed, heart pounding and nearly out of breath, as I was awakened with fear that all hell was going to break loose any second. Unrealistic fear in the present. So tired this morning and feeling so ill that my legs kind of weakened and came out from underneath me. We do need the sleep badly, don't we? I mean with the all the energies spent trying to heal. Hope I have the courage to take something to sleep next time. My day did improve around Noon. Hey you, thanks again! and hope we get some :sleeping:

 

[cookie]

i was up to sleeping 3 or 4 hrs a night, but now i seem to be back to a pattern of sleeping 6 or 7 hrs. once a wk, and not sleeping at all, or maybe for l hr. the rest of the time. it has been a wk today, since i have slept. i am sooooo tired, and lazy, and my mind doesn't work right, but i am shaking like crazy. i know it has to be lack of sleep. things that used to knock me out don't even phase me now. i have constant chest pain now, just from being tired. i think i am going to try and take a nap after work for a while, even if i don't sleep, i would probably rest.

 

[goingonhope]

Scaring myself with the sickness I left out of this post

Up all night tonight doing an all nighter. Know that I simply can't sleep, nor do I want to try. Fear is keeping me awake. Fear that if I go to sleep, I'll never again wake up. As if I'm going to be murdered in my sleep or something. Learned much tonight while writing diary. Not happy with people involved to say the least. Rather quite angry. But, I also, have the slightest realization, mixed with a whole lot of Hope that when I get through to the other side of this, that improved self is going to be a whole lot more than I ever dreamed of being. Memory is returning, and though there's a whole lot more 'good' agony, ahead. (Not to sound sadistic, or like a sickoo). (In fact, I can think of much more enjoyable things to do with my time). I can do it. Whereas, for many long years I looked around, time and again, for someone who could help, I always drew the same conclusion. No….No….No….No, such a person simply does not exist. And, that I'm f%^&*# now. Sheer Hopelessness plagued me. I don't know how I survived. There certainly was no one suited to tell. What I mean by good is simply, This is all worth it to me. Enough from me as I can see I'm getting sick, just as I was told I would. (editing while writing and leaving the sickness out).

Whatever... :eek: :angry-fla :crazy: :dontknow: :drugs:

Though I'll do the work, hope I can stay low key and minimize damage. I'm not kidding right now I feel many things. Hopeful, somehow blessed and fortunate, despite my PTSD, but I'm still Frightened, very, very Frightened. Bless you all ...and I'm glad I spoke on, though you might not be. LOL

(also beginning to feel I might be going nuts because sharing openly like this just hasn't been my style. Also. feeling like it might not be such a wise idea to post this). Woops, accidentally clicked submit. LOL

 

[anthony]

Hope, its slow road to rebuilding one's self esteem, and the best way is to jump in feet first as such. Your doing just fine, and making sense. You don't give yourself enough credit, because what your writing makes perfect sense and depicts how your feeling. The more your expose yourself here in the public forum, the more confidence you will get within yourself that your sickness is just the same as everyone else's here, and you are worthy within yourself to chat publicly, and be recognised as such.

We can tell ourselves as much as we want, they we are unsure, not good enough, should I, shouldn't I, etc etc, but if you don't ask, you will never know.

So... no, your not going nuts by shareing yourself here. Your doing just great. The more you post, the more your honest within yourself and with others, the more you will get out of talking publicly here, gaining the valuable support we all need to help us through the healing process.

Hang in there and keep doing what your doing Hope... your doing great and making perfect sense.

 

[goingonhope]

You don't give yourself enough credit, because what your writing makes perfect sense and depicts how your feeling.

I've been told this before, and sometimes understand, but more often then not can't see why I should acknowledge any credit. I don't remember the me before my first trauma, so I don't remember saying goodbye to her. And from as far back as I can remember I always struggled with distortion in perception of worth & self. And, as life unfolded the way it did, this problem only got far worse.

Thanks so much for the re-assurance Anthony, and for your helpful insight.