Sufferer Sleepless post triggered today


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Although my brother thought I'd be interested in an environmentally based article he sent me today about the area I spent my latter teen years in, it only served to remind me of the physical and emotional trauma that caused me to repeatedly run away from that home until I left permanently at 16. I had years of making up for lost time and educational attainment due to the ignorance and rampant homophobia, based on pseudo-religious bigotry. I blew back a reply email describing my reasons for requesting my brother not to send me such articles in the future.

Oddly enough the article detailed new environmental problems the area has caused for themselves, now dealing with toxic pollution allowed via sheer ignorance, anti-science, anti-education, anti-authority and pseudo-religious false "god won't allow us to suffer if we pray hard enough" idiocy. 50 plus years of continually polluting their community has finally caught up to them with a vengeance.

It was the same pseudo-religious dogma that isolated, mercilessly bullied and ultimately rendered myself homeless to escape four years of torment of the only known "faggot" in that community. The same that turned my parents against me, even convinced them that I was worth nothing but death, and coerced my father into a frightening attempt to lead me into an electrical death trap. Oddly, it was my dedicated dog, aware something was highly amiss that day, who prevented me from walking straight into very likely demise.

I worry sometimes about my late father's eternal soul, what karma he is paying for attempting to murder his youngest son. Some of that began towards his own demise, in the form of terribly self-destructive and hateful dementia, he had to be forcefully committed to halt the physical abuse of my mother. I have no regrets having finally separated him into a lock-down nursing home situation so my mother could die in relative peace, comfort and with a competent home caregiver. Her only contribution to my troubles was a committed and subservient adherance to whatever edicts my father laid down. It turned into ultimate irony, tremendous legal expense on my part, that I became the only child able due to health issues of my older siblings at the time, to deal with that difficult, final placement for him.

It was an odd, superstious and antidiluvian set of "cleansing" rituals, not designed at all to "cure" or help me in any way, but to secure my reservation in a contrived, eternal torture hell where the hateful preacher (someone of considerable fame in later years, as it turned out) and his flock attempted to instigate an "honor killing", convincing my father after much coercion that such was the righteous and godly thing to do. It was the long arm, via extended family of the inciting group, that gifted me with the most nauseating, unforgettable, disturbing and potentially deadly face to face encounter with this group long before they became famous in the media.

Although we lived a considerable distance from their headquarters, they actually made a special trip to our community just to hold what I can only define as a satanic ritual specifically for my... ahem... benefit. It all went downhill from there.

My doctor prescribed me some Valium, only for occasional use that I took earlier, now going on 3 a.m. It may aid my sleep now getting this off my chest.

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New Here
Welcome, @lambchopp59 - I'm sorry to read about what you've been through.

How is life, now? Are you supported by therapy in any way?
It's only occasionally I'll lapse into another nightmare, almost always triggered like the article link my brother sent me last week.
Usually I'm doing well, keeping myself busy with work and home projects, but I cannot say the same prior to about 10 years ago, when I participated in a treatment trial at the University of Washington. It involved some drug-enhanced exposure therapy, tough as hell to go through but it helped my general outlook tremendously.
I get a bit conflicted about loss of a partner from some years back as well, before I took part of the therapy which partially exposed to myself and the therapist just how rooted my issues were. It was during those sessions I could recall details I had sublimated for years. My partner prior to that got frustrated with my anger issues, that although I never took out on him directly, he continually criticized my reluctance to participate in any church-related activities that I'd be more willing to try these days at an accepting church-type show. Oddly enough it's my work schedule interferes with attempting that venue of socialization now.
The laughable part is, having caught this partner cheating on me numerous times, I'd run out of patience with him and let him go after wasting 6 years trying to make things work between us. That little debacle entered my dreams last night, not near as bothersomely as my teenage disaster.
There is a bit more to this that inflences my own affect, regarding my family. Although I hold no major beef against my older brothers, there is a bothersome little aspect to me that they certainly got really "republican" about accepting the lion's share of the inheritance from my parents demise, while allowing me to bear much of the expense of lawyering my father safely away from mom. I suppose in some ways I distance myself from them partially because they live in cold moutain climates I don't care for. They are of the older "boomer" generation, always had very interestingly projective criticisms of calling me "spoiled"... (cough) while they tended to be wasteful as hell about their own resources they usurped, partially why I had to cover the law expenses. Like, wow. We're just best off at friendly-tone email distance these days. Both of them were away, one at college and the other just being an ex-army brat, viet nam vet with PTSD issues of his own.
Generally, I practice some meditation, my PCP provides me with occasional use medication he knows I use sparingly. Sometimes I believe I may look at repeat sessions of the same therapy I participated in at UW, or other available options come retirement time, in about 5 years. Talking issues out on a forum like this helps in the meantime. If the "isolation" with my troubles gets me down sometimes I'll find a good quality of St John's Wort, take for 30 days, never fails to brighten me up without the side effects pharmaceutical antidepressants cause. I have to watch for mid-winter S.A.D., and usually find a good St John's Wort compound when it nears Thanksgiving. It was the Thanksgiving of 1976, wandering the streets hungry while others were likely enjoying their families and feasting that has made that holiday a bit emotionally volitile for me.
As I work in healthcare in the current pandemic, I have plenty to focus on at the time being, but certainly cannot afford to be interrupted like the nightmare I had last week. I also credit 110 pounds of mellow yellow labrador who greets me home daily with deflecting me from depression whirlpools very effectively. He's a bit confused why I have to keep him at distance while I strip and shower, handling and bagging my scrubs like radioactive plutonium before I can properly greet him.