jaccat
MyPTSD Pro
All my life I've repressed my feelings. I'm not used to feeling much of anything, other than the occasional temper flare, which usually burns out pretty quick. But for the last few weeks I've been kind of on edge, snapping over little things for very little reason.
My T is convinced I'm beginning to actually feel things, which I get. Not sure I like it, but she tells me there's good feelings too.
Anyway, last weekend I attended a very dysfunctional family event. Everything involving my family is dysfunctional so I shouldn't have been surprised but I let it get to me. I thought, though, that between T and my diary I'd worked through most of that.
I've also been trying to be nicer to myself this week, after my T pointed out in my last session that I was being too hard on myself (as usual).
But over this last week I've been getting more and more angry, mostly at work. Everything has been getting to me, even stuff which shouldn't really cause me any anger. And each day, the anger is that much more intense than the day before, until today, when I have not been able to reign it in at all. It's been so intense that I've been seething all day, I've shouted at people, sworn at people, kicked and hit things, and not hidden the way I'm feeling from anybody. It's work stuff that's setting me off, but I know it's not really got anything to do with work. The day ended in me having a blazing row with the duty manager. I'm probably getting a talking to on Monday about that, but the way I was feeling I think I'm lucky if that's all I get.
It felt like my job was at risk today. Not in a 'they'll fire me' sense, but it felt very much like I was going to get myself in a position where I ended up with some kind of formal reprimand. I knew it, but I had no control over it at all. It didn't feel like just another bad mood, it felt completely separate, kind of like depression is separate, independant of reality. The way I was feeling today I was seriously considering pretending I had a migraine so I had an excuse to go home.
Trouble is I can't shift it. Usual coping methods- physical activity, shouting/swearing/punching things/writing it out, are either not working or unavailable to me. I'm scared to try mindfulness type activity because the way I'm ferling about myself right now it's likely to backfire big time- self-hate is an old coping method. I don't actually know what the root of this anger is- it could be the family thing kicked it off, it could be backlash from trying to be nice to myself, it could be that I'm finally beginning to connect to all the stuff I've repressed all my life. I don't know, and right now (because I'm angry) I'm not interested in finding out. I just want to feel in control.
I'm exhausted. Between trying to reign it in and failing miserably I feel like I've had the most strenuous workshift ever, when actually it was quite a light day compared to usual.
I don't really know what I want from this. Any advice on how to manage it, dampen it, or get it under control would be good. I don't suppose it's going to go away of it's own accord.
My T is convinced I'm beginning to actually feel things, which I get. Not sure I like it, but she tells me there's good feelings too.
Anyway, last weekend I attended a very dysfunctional family event. Everything involving my family is dysfunctional so I shouldn't have been surprised but I let it get to me. I thought, though, that between T and my diary I'd worked through most of that.
I've also been trying to be nicer to myself this week, after my T pointed out in my last session that I was being too hard on myself (as usual).
But over this last week I've been getting more and more angry, mostly at work. Everything has been getting to me, even stuff which shouldn't really cause me any anger. And each day, the anger is that much more intense than the day before, until today, when I have not been able to reign it in at all. It's been so intense that I've been seething all day, I've shouted at people, sworn at people, kicked and hit things, and not hidden the way I'm feeling from anybody. It's work stuff that's setting me off, but I know it's not really got anything to do with work. The day ended in me having a blazing row with the duty manager. I'm probably getting a talking to on Monday about that, but the way I was feeling I think I'm lucky if that's all I get.
It felt like my job was at risk today. Not in a 'they'll fire me' sense, but it felt very much like I was going to get myself in a position where I ended up with some kind of formal reprimand. I knew it, but I had no control over it at all. It didn't feel like just another bad mood, it felt completely separate, kind of like depression is separate, independant of reality. The way I was feeling today I was seriously considering pretending I had a migraine so I had an excuse to go home.
Trouble is I can't shift it. Usual coping methods- physical activity, shouting/swearing/punching things/writing it out, are either not working or unavailable to me. I'm scared to try mindfulness type activity because the way I'm ferling about myself right now it's likely to backfire big time- self-hate is an old coping method. I don't actually know what the root of this anger is- it could be the family thing kicked it off, it could be backlash from trying to be nice to myself, it could be that I'm finally beginning to connect to all the stuff I've repressed all my life. I don't know, and right now (because I'm angry) I'm not interested in finding out. I just want to feel in control.
I'm exhausted. Between trying to reign it in and failing miserably I feel like I've had the most strenuous workshift ever, when actually it was quite a light day compared to usual.
I don't really know what I want from this. Any advice on how to manage it, dampen it, or get it under control would be good. I don't suppose it's going to go away of it's own accord.