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So angry I'm getting myself in trouble at work.

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jaccat

MyPTSD Pro
All my life I've repressed my feelings. I'm not used to feeling much of anything, other than the occasional temper flare, which usually burns out pretty quick. But for the last few weeks I've been kind of on edge, snapping over little things for very little reason.

My T is convinced I'm beginning to actually feel things, which I get. Not sure I like it, but she tells me there's good feelings too.

Anyway, last weekend I attended a very dysfunctional family event. Everything involving my family is dysfunctional so I shouldn't have been surprised but I let it get to me. I thought, though, that between T and my diary I'd worked through most of that.

I've also been trying to be nicer to myself this week, after my T pointed out in my last session that I was being too hard on myself (as usual).

But over this last week I've been getting more and more angry, mostly at work. Everything has been getting to me, even stuff which shouldn't really cause me any anger. And each day, the anger is that much more intense than the day before, until today, when I have not been able to reign it in at all. It's been so intense that I've been seething all day, I've shouted at people, sworn at people, kicked and hit things, and not hidden the way I'm feeling from anybody. It's work stuff that's setting me off, but I know it's not really got anything to do with work. The day ended in me having a blazing row with the duty manager. I'm probably getting a talking to on Monday about that, but the way I was feeling I think I'm lucky if that's all I get.

It felt like my job was at risk today. Not in a 'they'll fire me' sense, but it felt very much like I was going to get myself in a position where I ended up with some kind of formal reprimand. I knew it, but I had no control over it at all. It didn't feel like just another bad mood, it felt completely separate, kind of like depression is separate, independant of reality. The way I was feeling today I was seriously considering pretending I had a migraine so I had an excuse to go home.

Trouble is I can't shift it. Usual coping methods- physical activity, shouting/swearing/punching things/writing it out, are either not working or unavailable to me. I'm scared to try mindfulness type activity because the way I'm ferling about myself right now it's likely to backfire big time- self-hate is an old coping method. I don't actually know what the root of this anger is- it could be the family thing kicked it off, it could be backlash from trying to be nice to myself, it could be that I'm finally beginning to connect to all the stuff I've repressed all my life. I don't know, and right now (because I'm angry) I'm not interested in finding out. I just want to feel in control.

I'm exhausted. Between trying to reign it in and failing miserably I feel like I've had the most strenuous workshift ever, when actually it was quite a light day compared to usual.

I don't really know what I want from this. Any advice on how to manage it, dampen it, or get it under control would be good. I don't suppose it's going to go away of it's own accord.
 
I'm sorry you are feeling like that. I guess this is something new for you, this anger and explosiveness. I was going through something similar and was prescribed Gabapentin to ease those things. I mention it because those other strategies aren't working for you.

I used to fill styrofoam cups with water to freeze. Then I'd take one out of the freezer and throw it as hard as I could at a cinderblock fence or cement garage floor. The cleanup is easy too because the ice just melts and the styrofoam stays in a couple big pieces.

For long term management through the gabapentin for me has worked to reduce both my anxiety and anger.

Hopefully, in time you could start playing around with mindfulness.

Go easy on yourself. :hug:
 
Sorry you’re experiencing this @jaccat - sounds really hard.

Not sure I have any advice (sorry!) Just wondering if, in retrospect, heading home with a migraine may have been a good call? I know you can’t just keep going home with fake migraines all the time, but if things were building to a level where you felt your job was at risk, maybe finding a way to remove yourself from the situation would have been an ok move?

How are you feeling about the “talking to” you’ll potentially get back at work on Monday? If that’s causing any worry, might it be worth spending a little bit of time planning your approach/possible responses?
 
I've been thinking about it. I get on okay with my boss, and he does know I have 'issues' outside of work. But he's also prone to not listen to me.

I'm thinking I'm just going to have to be as honest as I can. I don't mind admitting I was in the wrong (though I did feel a bit provoked by some), but I think I'm going to have to tell him it wasn't just a bad mood. If I can make him see that, it won't absolve me, but he might be more understanding. I'm thinking of comparing it to depression, in the sense that the feeling wasn't related to the events. It's very rare for my job to be impacted by my state of mind. My boss might debate that, but he's only ever seen a tiny fraction of what I deal with.

I think maybe I should have left, but on another level I care about my job and I wanted to complete what I was doing. It was a toss up between the two, but yeah, maybe I should have bowed out.

The thing I'm really worried about is that I'm still going to be angry on Monday.
 
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If he knows a bit of background about you and you’re comfortable with that, that sounds like a good approach. As does holding up your hands to whatever you can genuinely take responsibility for. Hopefully, a brief “this isn’t really about work - I’ve got some other stuff going on” type line, followed by owning your own part in the situ and then sincerely apologising will be enough to wrap the conversation up quite quickly. The quicker the better, I reckon...so it might be worth planning that succinct, effective intro? The longer it goes on and the more you’re both there engaging, the more time and opportunity there is for you to get angry!

Totally get that you wanted to stay and complete what you were doing etc on Friday and I wasn’t at all saying that you “should” have left. I just mean it is there as a very reasonable option...that if things really escalate at any time, finding a way to get out of the situ is a completely ok decision, in my view. Either faking illness and going home or just doing a temporary time out to pop to the loo, get some air, go for a quick walk, take some deep breaths, get some water etc. Stepping away to give yourself a chance to regulate would be a good idea, I think
 
When I can’t control my temper I consider it much the same as if I can’t control my stomach. If I wouldn’t puke on people? So I remove myself? Ditto if I start vomiting rage on people ;)

Now, it’s different if I’m actually choosing to rake someone over the coals, or knock them flat. It’s not the violence that’s the problem. Verbal or physical. It’s the loss of control, that’s the problem.

Nope. I’m not usually happy about banishing myself from polite society, or interrupting my work or play to take a timeout and cool off. But neither was my kid when he was a toddler and throwing a temper tantrum, either. Part of learning self control... In my experience... are those natural consequences. Not punishments, to be super clear. I don’t need to remove myself and punish myself. Just like I didn’t punish my kid on top of the timeout to get himself in hand. That’s just adding insult to injury, and IMO is worse that pointless, because a) it links timeouts (the good thing) with being punished just as much as the temper tantrum (so that’s just stupid, don’t punish people for doing what you want them to do), & b) it doesn’t inspire good behavior, just adds misery on top of pain :wtf: f*ck that. Never been very big about kicking someone when they’re down. But I am very carrots over sticks. Wanting to get back to what I was enjoying? That’s the carrot. <cough> And so is the game I play with myself about how fast I can lock my temper back down ;) Just like panic attacks, and everything else. By competing against myself, working for faster and faster mastery? It doesn’t make it fun (until I win, and can catch myself between one breath and the next :sneaky: THAT’S damn fun), but it doesn’t make a hard thing harder, by beating myself up over it, either. Okay. That happened. Let’s sort it.

What happened? I lost my temper. (Or precisely I swore at so & so, etc.)
Why did it happen? I was stressed out.
What are at least 2 things I can do differently next time?
- burn off excess stress via XYZ before / after
- take a timeout / let hot emotion fade, cool reason back in, get my feet under me, gameplan.
- go home early, or stay home sick and do the whole “self care” :wtf: thing. <<< I haaaaaaaate that term. But since it actually means have some fun? Go play, relax, sleep in, eat well, knock the sharp edges off? I’ll use it. I won’t like it, but I’ll use it.
How do I put things right? (Or as right as they can be?)
- apologies to those I’ve wronged
- messes cleaned up
- etc.

So that’s me & how I basically deal
 
Thanks everyone. The conversation hasn't happened yet. I know it will happen because I know that my boss has been told what happened (my workplace's private meeting room has very thin walls and I walked past when the conversation was happening. Someone should probably point out to management that that room's not really approprate for private discussion!) Anyway, Monday's a busy day, so either I'll get my talking to tomorrow, or later in the week. I'm also due my annual review this week (gotta love my timing). I'll update here when it happens. I hope it hapens soon. Waiting for it is not helping matters.

@MrMoonlight I like the sound of the frozen cups. They sound very satisfying. I'm kind of wary about taking medication. Between family history and a few bad experiences I prefer not to, if I can, but I guess it's an option if I can't get things under control.

@barefoot it's okay, I didn't think you were saying I should have left. But on reflection, I think it would have been wise if I had. I really wasn't in control of myself.

@Friday I think I need to remember time outs. Not sure it would have helped on Saturday, because there wasn't a point when I wasn't angry. But I guess that's why I should have gone home.

I'm not very good at expressing anger safely. I grew up in a household where everyone was violent, and tempers were lost daily. So I've never had any good role models to show me how it can be an okay thing to express, or how to manage it so it doesn't get to the stage where it hits that danger level.

I'm still not really myself. There were a number of times today when I struggled to stay calm, and I did get really worked up at one point, in front of my boss (trying to sort something else out). Yet today was actually a productive day, with very few issues. On a good note, I managed to stop myself getting caught up in an offshoot of the original argument, when someone accidentally brought it up in front of my boss. The thought came into my head, but I took a breath, and said something else instead.
 
The thought came into my head, but I took a breath, and said something else instead.

That IS very much in control, and dealing with it maturely (and non confrontationally).

I was wondering if you could redirect that anger to not responding / polite but not really engaging it responses? As in moving it somewhere socially acceptable that does not really give people the reasons to complain about your temper or their perception of you, and gives you the distance from their responses.
 
I'm still not really myself. There were a number of times today when I struggled to stay calm, and I did get really worked up at one point, in front of my boss (trying to sort something else out).

There are times when I’m using every trick in the book and it’s still either like there’s a firestorm blowing over me (at this point I’ve learned to go lay down and remain very, very still... or, from experience bad things happen), or I’m just all SparkySparkyBOOM!Man:facepalm: (I’m fine, I’m fine, I’m... oh shit, what just happened?... I’m fine, I’m fi-oops. Not fine... ). SparkySparkyBOOM!Man is just stress cup stuff. Relatively easily sorted. Still a pain in the ass, but doable. The firestorm is another matter. See below.

One thing I’ve learned I’ve just got to live with (unless anyone has any clarity on the subject!) is that if I’ve shut my emotions off for awhile? Imagine a stone flying through the air. That’s me. The lake below me is pure, unadulterated rage/fury. Perfectly smooth on top / no emotions... firestorm below. I’ll skip over the surface several times (Nope! Pop back up. Nope! Pop back up. Nope! Pop back up.), before I finally say f*ck it and drop straight down into it.

Then? All I can feel is rage/fury/anger. It’s sourceless, so there’s no way for me to get a handle on it, really. Not like there’s a thing making me angry, or that I’m reacting in anger to, whatever the correct phrase ;) It just exists. It blows in all directions. There’s too much to even begin to vent.

Once I pass through that f*cker?

<insert technicolor chorus of angels singing>

Every other emotion. Bliss. Joy. Complex, simple, feathery, heavy, deep, light, cool, warm, 3D everything. In manageable pieces. Everything. Everything “normal” is below the firestorm.

It’s worth the pain to get there.

But I haven’t found an end run around the firestorm. Not yet, anyway.
 
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