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So Far Down (May Be Triggering s**c*d*)

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i have a lot of trouble with suicial feelings--those "intrusive thought" that just jump at me when i'm driving, etc.(i can usually ignore those-unless i am really down) then there are the thoughts when i get so far down. i take 3 antidepressants, can't take any more med. my husband went out of town for a bus. trip, all i could think about was to find where he hid the guns from me.well, i finally found one, no plans to use it right now, but i know it's not good , as i am down most of the time lately. i don't really want to take my life, but sometimes i get desperate to get away from the things in my mind.it seems like i am obsessed with suicide, and i don't understand. i actually pulled in front of a semi a few months ago, thinking it couldn't hurt the driver. he very nearly turned his truck over, going off the road to get around me. thank God, he wasn't hurt. if anyone knows how to get out of this thing, or how to make the flashbacks go away(that's when i get down the most)please let me know. i am making my poor husband nearly as depressed as myself. Cookie
cookie...Do this for me...Call someone!!!GET THAT GUN OUT OF THE HOUSE!!! NOW!!!! I have found in the not so distant past that having anything around to harm [via suicide] myself...when the suicidal thoughts get intensive and frequent [like yours]...was a ROTTON idea....I gave my meds to my psychodoc...had to run up there to get 1 weeks meds at a time...31/2 hour round trip....I knew I was worth it!!!! YOU ARE TOO!!! Look if you follow the suicidal thoughts then you will SCREW up all those kids heads that you've taught!!! Think about THEM!!! FOCUS on every little smile you saw...and what a GREAT way you've started all those little kids on their way to more LEARNING!!! Yeah the PTSD symptoms s**k!!!! And having the suicidal thoughts are a really BAD part of it!!! I KNOW YOU CAN DO THIS!!! Lots of us have made it through a crisis like this!! You Have Us!!! You can just get online and rant and rave all you want!!! That is what's this forum's for!!!! GET RID OF THE GUN....NOW!!! You are not ALONE!! ...wildfirewildone.....PEACE
Cookie, please read this. (<---click to go to link)
it is a link to a great page to read when those thoughts are racing through your head.
Trust me, I know...
I've called the local crisis helpline once or twice when it was really bad.
Althought I always refused to tell them how suicidal I was (I didn't want to alarm anyone, or be hospitalized)
After talking to someone it always seemed to help lift my mood just that little bit I needed to get on with today
also I've called my counseler a couple of times to make an appointment (it gave me something to look forward to... ensured I was going to stick around 'til next wednesday, etc.)

If the thoughts are in your head at every moment of every day...
you need to tell your family doctor, or whomever is priscribing your anti-depressants.
Unfortunatly some anti-depressents tend to increase suicidal feelings,
so you might need to change meds!!!
Untill you find the right balance of medications, I would suggest asking your doctors for something to deal with the suicidal thoughts right now!
Anti-depressents can take up to 8 weeks for the benefits to show, so if you are at the point where you think you need something "more" ask for it!!!

At this point in my life I am quite medicated... but if I wasn't... I probally wouldn't be around right now.
And I can tell you... the thoughts will stop.
You need to believe in yourself, belief that you are needed in this world!

Take care of yourself!
You aren't alone
Listen to Widfirewildone GET RID OF THAT GUN I know things are dark and that tunnel is all one can see at times but you can make it. You sound like a truly loving person and I'm shure your H loves you dearly, find someone to talk to if not here someone close to you.

Let me give you a little insight to my past with suicidal thoughts. I had them for 3 years, close to the same as you described, in that every time I got behind the wheel, I thought about pinning myself into every post. Sometimes, I was mentally exhausted by the time I reached the end of a trip to the local supermarket and home again, as every solid object that was within my view to hit, I had to continually talk myself out of driving into it.

Cookie... I no longer have suicidal thoughts or tendancies, and are on the other side of PTSD from nothing more than shear determination to not let PTSD get the best of me, or end my life, the life that I now enjoy once again.

Cookie, the hard hitting facts are, if you have guns in your house, then your husband hiding them is not good enough. You need to remove all guns and amunition from your house, because it makes it too easy for you.

If your suicidal thoughts as you described have now gone from thoughts to actions (attempts) you need to get back to your doctor ASAP, get hopitalized if need be, play around with your medications if required, but you need to get to a hospital and even admit yourself. You have more to live for Cookie, than simply taking yourself out because of flashbacks. Trauma can be gotten past, to the point where it is only a memory, not a fearful memory. I know this, cause I am walking, talking, living proof off it. There are others here who deal with this exact same instance now, or have also past that point of their PTSD. You can too... its just a matter of how bad you want to beat PTSD.

You can succumb to suicide and fix nothing, or you can take a stance, beat your thoughts, beat your PTSD, and get clear to having a more wonderful life once again with your husband, enjoying what life is about again. What your going through is no different from just about every person here with PTSD, as suicidal thoughts and tendancies are a part of PTSD, though definately a repairable aspect of PTSD, as depression is curable, even though PTSD is not. Suicide stems from depression. Beat the depression, you beat the main part of suicidal thoughts. The other side of suicidal thoughts is the medication. Most anti-depressants actually increase depression or increase suicidal thoughts. You either need to change medications to one that doesn't conflict with your body and increase suicidal thoughts, or get the hell of the medication, push past the withdrawal phase, and then suicidal thoughts left are not from the medication, and are easily beaten with healthy diet and daily exercise to stimulate the mind and body.

What medication are you taking?
Are you eating healthy? Honestly.
Are you exercising daily?
thank you anthony, i need somebody to make me straighten up. i know i have to fight this,but sometimes i just get tired. i do exercise daily(ok, almost daily--if i'm really down, i have to push myself) i try to eat reasonalbly, my husband is diabetic, so we watch carbs pretty close. i take wellbutrin (300) lexapro(20) and cymbalta (60). the wellbutrin made a huge difference in a lot of ways, and the cymbalta seems to have calmed me down a little, i hate that "jumping through the roof" at the slightest sound. sometimes, i almost feel "normal" for a few days, then bam, i'm right back down here again. i had a lady tell me yesterday that a demon had attached to me. yikes! i don't believe that, i am a christian, and i don't even think that's possible. have you all ever had people say things like that to you?

I am interested in your medication. Did you start with one, then your doctor has prescribed another to try and counter some effects one has given, etc etc etc...
Are you ok?

Used to have those. For me it wasn't so much wanting to die, it's was wanting the pain to end. I'm here if you need me...
anthony and bella, thanks. about the med--my family dr. put me on the wellbutrin, when i went to the psy. he made it stronger and added lexapro because i was still having bouts of depression. that was before they said i have ptsd. last month, he wanted to add cymbalta, i don't like lots of med. but he said maybe just take it 3 or 4 months. i don't have any side effects other than headaches when i first started the lexapro. he doesn't know about the voices and recent probems. i saw my t today (the one that is a trauma specialist) and she called my husband! he is all the way across the country on a business trip. she wanted me to tell him about the gun, so i did, stupid me. now he is cutting his trip short and coming home tomorrow. he is upset, and i am beside myself, he is just about my only reason to live, and i am messing up his life too. forgive me for rambling, i just got off the phone with him. cookie
Did your doctors ever tell you about the risk of anti-depressants increasing your suicidal thoughts?
Cookie, honesty is the best approach with PTSD. Don't not be honest with your husband, he deserves more. He is cutting his trip short you know, because he loves you, and cares for you, nothing more. Would you do the same for him if the situation was reversed? I think I know the answer to that. So stop telling yourself things like, "I am messing up his life too", because if he didn't want to be with you, he wouldn't, so STOP putting fictional statements into your head Cookie, as they are not actively doing you any good. Instead, why not tell yourself the truth, and that is, you are having a tough time, contemplating with suicidal tendancies, your husband is coming home because he loves and cares for you more than his business trip. That is the truth, not what you are telling yourself.

Cookie... the meds, its an issue. You say you have no side effects... which I think you are, because the meds your taking, one of the side effects is suicidal thoughts and increased depression. Cookie, do yourself a favour, don't get two doctors prescribing medications too you, as its all bad for you. Get yourself on one medication, most likely the lexapro, but even that has side effects of depression and suicide.

I would possibly get yourself to a naturopath ASAP and have a chat with them in regard to what they may be able to help you with, and give you something more sootheing without the harsh side effects. Trust me, a good naturopath knows what they are doing, and for everything prescription, a natural alternative is often available, most of which don't increase what they are trying to fix.
hi bella, yes i know that can happen, and i'm not sure if they play a part. i was having the same problems on a larger scale before i started any antidepressants. all i can do is voice my concerns and hope the dr. knows what he's doing, cause i sure don't. cookie
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