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Relationship SO has dissociated and the part of her that is doing the driving right now has her abusive ex staying in our house. What do I do???

Thread starter #1
So, my SO was recently diagnosed with cptsd and a pretty severe form of dissociation. She "switched" recently and asked her abusive ex to stay in our house with her to help with the kids, even though normally when he's in town he takes the kids to his mom's. I can't live there because of the moral clause in their divorce, but normally I'm there from the time I get off work until bedtime. We got the house as a safe space from him where he was never to be allowed to come, and up until the last few days, that has been the way things have gone. But something happened, don't know what, and she has reverted back to thinking he needs to be helping her. Whatever parts of her mind that are aware of the abuse she suffered at his hands are not in control right now, and I don't know what to do. I'm on the outside right now living a nightmare knowing the man who raped her, beat her, choked her, gaslit her,.etc is under our roof in our safe space. I have an appt tomorrow with our therapist to ask her advice on how to handle this gently, without scaring my SO or making it worse. Does anyone have any experience with anything like this????
 
Thread starter #4
All I know to do is ask our therapist. I am just now learning the intricacies of DID and how some parts are unaware of certain memories, like abuse, and I'm afraid that's what's happening now. She's been trying to leave him for 14 years because of the abuse, and has been gone for over a year without changing course. Until about a week ago. I want him out of our house, but don't know how to do that safely for everyone, body and mind. Ugh.
 
#5
All I know to do is ask our therapist. I am just now learning the intricacies of DID and how some parts are unaware of certain memories, like abuse, and I'm afraid that's what's happening now. She's been trying to leave him for 14 years because of the abuse, and has been gone for over a year without changing course. Until about a week ago. I want him out of our house, but don't know how to do that safely for everyone, body and mind. Ugh.
Can't you call the police and say you want him gone because he has no right to be there but your afraid of him so you want a police presence?
 
Thread starter #6
My SO having him there by choice complicates things. Like I said, whatever part of her fractured personalities is in control right now is calling the shots. I feel like this has to be handled delicately because she is struggling with her entire identity right now. Just now finding out she was so traumatised as a child that her personality is splintered into who knows how many pieces. And those pieces aren't communicating with each other very well, hence our current nightmare situation.
 
#8
Wait... back up... is this your house too? Because it’s not OK to move him in if so. Mental health be damned if you’re paying a mortgage and can’t live there, but he can??? She is violating a boundary if you agreed that it was supposed to be a “him” free zone, and it’s OK to NOT be OK with that! Her mental health issue does not mean she gets to move an abusive ex into your house. Full stop.

Are you sure this is a dissociation thing?
I’d have a billion and one questions and they wouldn’t be for the therapist! You’re very patient and compassionate to be calm enough to ask the therapist questions.

I’m not familiar with DID at all, but I wouldn’t think it’d be a valid reason to violate boundaries, just like PTSD isn’t one.

Please don’t take this as an attack on your partner...I don’t know her from Adam. But I’m blunt, and I’m always on the supporter side here. This is not OK, and you have every right to be upset/mad/confused.
 
Thread starter #9
Significant Other. My girlfriend. We've known each other for almost 9 years

DID is so complex, if all the parts of their mind are not communicating, having boundaries with one doesn't mean the others even know about it. Just like some parts know about the abuse, others were protected from it. Goal for therapy is to integrate the parts where they work together in a healthy way. Obvs she's nowhere near that since she just got this diagnosis last week. She's reeling, and that is probably what triggered one of her other parts to step forward to take over for a bit.

All this is just speculation without being able to talk to her- the main her- since she's not present right now. But yeah, I am def hurt, confused, and angry. Just trying to place those feelings where they belong and not blame her for something she can't control yet.
 
#10
Significant Other. My girlfriend. We've known each other for almost 9 years
If you've known her for 9 years then you would have encountered a similar situation in that amount of time. Getting a diagnosis of DID wouldn't suddenly cause parts of her to magically appear,they would have developed from a very young age. You would have already dealt with this part of her whether you realized it or not. Getting a diagnosis only puts a label on what a person has been experiencing since young childhood,it wouldn't cause her to suddenly move her ex in.

Are you even sure it's a part that chose to move him in or are you just hoping/assuming? Is it possible she just wants him there and doesn't want to be with you anymore?

I don't think this is something that you need to be so gentle about. You need to speak up to her not the therapist.

DID isn't an excuse for something like this.

ETA:just saw where you said it's just speculation. Why haven't you talked to her about it?
 
#12
The therapist would seem like a logical first step. It’s great that you want to do this in a way that is healthy for her, but while you’re worrying about helping her, don’t forget to keep things healthy for yourself as well. Ask about enforcing boundaries, even now. This seems like something that needs to be consistent from the get-go. I *know* how hard it is to establish and enforce boundaries with PTSD... this sounds like it would be harder and even more necessary. This seems like a potential steamrolling for you if you’re not careful. You have to keep your mental health steady in all of this too. Don’t forget that your feelings are just as valid as hers. You don’t have to be the martyr because you are the healthy one. It’s not romantic to sacrifice yourself for her, it’s unhealthy. That is a guaranteed way to make a miserable relationship.

It also sounds like you guys need a lawyer to fix that morality clause in the divorce... that’s just a continuation of control. Especially if it’s keeping you out of your house.
 
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