So Here I am, Awake all Night Again *UGH*

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4:44 am....
Couple of days ago I thought I was well on my way to getting my sleep schedule halfway acceptable, but nope; I'm still sleeping 4 hours during the evening, and 4 hours during the day (if I'm lucky to get a full 7-8 hours at all).....


For the first time I am actually looking FORWARD to getting in touch with someone for help. I want to be awake when the sun is UP, and asleep when the sun is DOWN for once in the past 2 freaking years. AND, I want to be able to sleep at NIGHT without having to get up to check the house everytime a mouse farts around here.....


I don't care anymore what they diagnose me with, even if they decide to proclaim me the biggest fricken fruitloop ALIVE, LOL! I just want a LITTLE bit of flippin normalcy around here! :cuckoo:

Here begins my rant (and no, I'm not feeling sorry for myself, just somewhat perturbed at life's quirky way):

Ya now, sometimes I just get pissed off reflecting on the days when I was a kid thinking that once I was grown, everything would be okay again. I had absolutely NO clue that it would actually be worse down the road. No one's molesting me any fricken more, WHY is my brain afraid of what doesn't even EXIST anymore in my life? OMGWTFBBQ! :hit-boss:

I want to go outside of my "cave" as my husband calls it without being afraid... of NOTHING!

I want my brain to understand that houses CREAK for crying out loud, and that the kids are just fine sleeping peacefully in their bedrooms... NO ONE is coming to hurt them. I do NOT want to check the locks not ONE MORE TIME!!
Or the windows and blinds, or the garage, or under tables, closets, the pantry, etc.....

I don't want to jump every single time my husband walks thru the front door, running out of my "cave"... What am I expecting? Hell-if-I-know!

I don't want to dream anymore. Not at all.. I don't want good dreams OR bad gory disgusting dreams, or dreams of my ex stepbrother on top of me, or dreams of people hurting my children and me trying to save them...

I just don't want a brain LOL! I just want to live in BLISSFUL ignorance and twiddle my thumbs all day in a NICE padded cell somewhere for awhile. Call it a vacation from MYSELF!

/end rant
Are the blissful vent... well done kells. Kells, have you tried a little time technique yet to move your sleep back too night, instead of night and day?

Let me explain, basically if your sleeping 4 hours at night, 4 hours during the day, you literally begin setting yourself a timetable to change your timings. For example:

Night Sleep: 10pm - 2am
Day Sleep: 10am - 2pm

What you do is use your alarm clock, several if needed, and some motivation and willingness from yourself, to teach your brain a different routine. You increase your night duration by 15 minutes, decrease your day duration by 15 minutes, example:

Night sleep: 10pm - 2.15am
Day sleep: 10.15am - 2pm

Few days time... week even:

Night sleep: 10pm - 2.30am
Day sleep: 10.30am - 2pm

You get the idea. You basically retrain your brain progressively to shift 15 minutes at a time from one sleep pattern to another. Even if you wakeup during the night and you must force yourself to remain in bed until "x" time, then you do that. As you progress to watching your brain react, and begin waking 15 minutes later, shift another 15 minutes to your night sleep, thus slowly and in your own time, you shift the entire day sleep pattern to the evenings instead, and are actually sleeping a good proportion of that solid block.
omg, I have tried it all even what you've suggested...It's like my mind is racing 24/7 and I only sleep when I finally pass out. When I forced myself to stay in bed? Something sends me straight up again re-checking the house.

I don't want to sound dramatic, but I'm crying a little because I just got back to my PC from checking the house again because I thought I saw the girls' bedroom window open and I didn't remember their door being open. Scared me till I was out of breath...Of course nothing is there again...

I have no clue what it's going to take.

Honestly, it's times like these that I fully understand why people drink and use drugs. When praying doesn't work, having nice relaxing thoughts doesn't work, reading doesn't work; forcing myself to lay there with your eyes closed until you jump out of bed again....It seems like nothing "natural" works at all... I've never resorted to drinking or doing drugs because I swore to myself I would NOT go down that road, no matter what... But, this is horrible
Ok, then here is some of the issue. I tried what I wrote above at first also, and it failed. I thought about it, and it actually had nothing to do with my sleep at all, it was merely my sleep suffered because of my anxiety. So the simple answer would then be, correct your anxiety and your sleep will automatically improve. That is what I learnt from healing after trying all these ideas first, when in actual fact nothing was working because my anxiety and stress was through the roof. Once I dealt with them, my sleep improved, no more nightmare, no flashbacks, etc etc...

I figured as much anyway, but I thought "what the hell", see if you have tried it, because it might still work for you even though not for me, as it has for others, then not for some also. Atleast you tried, which means it helps to narrow down to more specific causes.

Your anxiety is whats stopping you sleeping, because your brain is going 24/7 and not allowing you to relax, thus created from the anxiety. I had exactly the same problem, and nothing I tried and even forced myself into would work, because my anxiety was running too strong for them to work. Fixed the anxiety, suddenly everything else fell into place. Saying that, I still have to manage my anxiety as I was on the extreme end for it. I figure you are going to be the same, where anxiety management will site as priority.
ohh Anthony, exactly! It was suggested to me to work or exercise myself into a frenzy everyday till I literally passed out... I never passed out! I completely understand you there...

Yeah, so it is high time for me to drag my butt in there and get some help. I will definitely give the VA a call about places that can treat me at 8 am...

PS. I just read the sleep forum, and what you posted is exactly what caught my eye. It's just a bit sad knowing that it may take a long time yet just to sleep somewhat normally.. Aw well, I can DO this! =D
Your right, you can do this kells... if you want something bad enough, you will get it, regardless of hurdles generally. There is positive stressful directions, and negative stressful directions we can move ourselves, the less negative directions the better for us, but relapse and mistakes are all part of the learning, because we are all different, and we all need to learn our own unique paths. I am stoked kells that you can accept this and move towards professional help. Really well done... honestly, huge congratulations. I love seeing people move in positive directions, even though they are going to cause pain, it is like a good pain... a pain that see's us eventually live without all the pain and suffering we do during these times.

Again kells... huge well done. You really should give yourself some serious pats on the back for the direction your now taking. I won't piss up a tree with you, it will hurt, it will cause pain, but geez the rewards are worth it. Go get em...
aw thanks, Anthony! I agree with ya there...Gotta climb mountains sometimes...

I am grateful to you and the others who made this forum possible, because it is a great comfort to me that I will have a place to to come to as I get through this

Thank you :smile:
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