Death So. I accidentally killed my therapy chicks. ?

HumanNOS

Learning
I’m not sure if people need to know your trauma before understanding you? Mine is (nutshell) My mom was suicidal when I was very young and for a long time. My youngest daughter (an adopted dib of 3) became suicidal a while back. They were treated so bad before we got to them. Anyhoo...daughter made a spectacle of herself during a family session and graphically yelled at me just how she was gonna kill herself.

My brain broke. But pieces fell together for my docs. So now...I am doing ptsd therapy.

As I was originally saying tho...I’m a farm girl. My DH and I plan on having land and animals. So when my docs brought up me needing something to focus on for therapy...something that made me feel useful...getting chicks wasn’t a far fetch. We already have a big garden. I grew up on a farm. I know what I’m doing.

Fast forward three weeks of loving hen care. It was overcast day, that became sunny while I was inside tending to whatever. The chicks were in direct sunlight for an hour and they all died. My husband found them but I saw them...and god help me I can’t get the snapshots out of my head.

My husband immediately went and bought a new brood, which the docs say was the best thing, but I’ve just felt really weird since then.

I sit outside and watch the new chicks for hours. I feel in a daze.
I feel guilty about killing their sweet predecessors even if it was an accident! And I just feel beaten. But I feel empty too. Just disconnected.

So if anybody has something helpful....please share.
 

Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
This is very hard and I’m so sorry. This is the kind of thing you live in fear of. One of the reason I won’t have pets anymore. You said you grew up on a farm though, and with any kind of animals, you have things like this. We have six children and we went through a slew of dogs, rodents, fish, birds, rabbits and who knows what else and yes, plenty of them died for plenty of reasons.
Try and not feel too bad, the new brood need you. Hope you feel better.
 

HumanNOS

Learning
This is very hard and I’m so sorry. This is the kind of thing you live in fear of. One of the reason I won’t have pets anymore. You said you grew up on a farm though, and with any kind of animals, you have things like this. We have six children and we went through a slew of dogs, rodents, fish, birds, rabbits and who knows what else and yes, plenty of them died for plenty of reasons.
Try and not feel too bad, the new brood need you. Hope you feel better.

Thank you
 

whiteraven

MyPTSD Pro
Oh, I'm sorry. :-(

I feel guilty about killing their sweet predecessors even if it was an accident! And I just feel beaten. But I feel empty too. Just disconnected.

I once hit a duck - completely accidentally - and it took a long time to get over the guilty feeling. I am glad you are at least able to recognize it was an accident. So...I wrote about what I did (I am a writer, so that's how I process stuff) and it helped. Is there anything you can do to help yourself process your guilty feelings?
 
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