So Scared

[Deleted member 30956]

My abuser is in town. It's been over a year. I have to see him tomorrow. Still depend on him for some things. I was supposed to go there today. He came to help me fill out an application for an important appointment tomorrow. If I don't do this, I won't be able to travel to my home country again. I'm putting off seeing him. Really scared. Of how much pain will run through my body. I'm also having PMDD (severe PMS). If I blow up on him and my stepmother (they both like to "grill" me condescendingly), all hell will break loose. I'm afraid I will start crying, then screaming and yelling, then feeling pains in my chest. Then shouting. I've dreamt of it so many times. Shouting that because of him I have PTSD....shouting that he's a criminal and has no right to talk to me!
I do want that, to severe all contact. But once I'm financially independent. Once I don't need a guarantor for my apartment. But what if it happens before then? I already just called him and asked to postpone until last minute. He asked why. I said, because. (Truth is I'm still in bed, depressed out of my wits. I want to stay at home the whole f*cking day!) He got very angry and condescending. I said "I'll see you tomorrow morning" and hung up. No word from him.
For the first time, I was completely unapologetic. I had no care for the usual niceties. I have no desire to save my own neck, do I ....

I so dread seeing him and my stepmother. God help me!!

 

[Deleted member 30956]

I CANNOT LIVE UNAUTHENTICITY ANYMORE. I CANNOT PRETEND ANY LONGER. HE IS NOT MY FRIEND. I CANNOT HURT MYSELF ANY LONGER. I DONT CARE WHETHER THIS KILLS ME. I LIVE FOR AUTHENTICITY AND TRUTH. I can't betray myself any more...

 

[joeylittle]

I DONT CARE WHETHER THIS KILLS ME.

Can you say more about what the "this" is?

I'm sorry to hear that you have this kind of complication in your life. It would be so much better if you didn't have any need to maintain contact with this person. But also, if you are honestly afraid for your safety, maybe it isn't worth it. Or maybe you can have a friend with you, or arrange to only meet in a public place with people around...