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So, So, Tired. So Lost, So alone, Need Someone

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Well they say when your on the bottom there's only one way to go. I didn't realize how low this bottom could go. I am down to no hope, I really hate that. There's been so much trama and it just keeps coming wave after wave. I'm only forty and theres so much I havn't accomplished yet. My spouse I think is trying to drive me into the phyc ward yet somehow I don't wnt to give up. It's just me and my brain here tofigure it out. I am trapped here 50.00 buck for a cab tommorow for one trip. I don't know how much longer I can take this. Meds are not working at all today or yesterday to much regret and boo hoo. I really have noone left for support. I haven't posted my story yet because it would be as long as a book. Just so tired, you know. Trying to figure out where to go from here. There's no going back
aw I totally understand, Joanna. I'm 32 and two years ago I got hit with the biggest "episode" (I guess that's what to call it) that refuses to let up. I had episodes in the past, but this one takes the cake because it has lasted the longest wth absolutely no end in sight. When I decided to truly begin to look for help 3 weeks ago or so(with the determination of "no matter what"), I get the run around- lol....Argh

This forum is the biggest blessing I've found yet, and I am so glad you found it too =) I have had more support here than at any other time throughout. We've all either been in the same boat, or are currently in the same boat, and I hope knowing that gives you as much comfort as it has given me =)

Much love and support,

We are here for you,
you aren't alone!

Have you changed medications recently?
The side effects of some are pretty nasty, including adding to depression.

If there's things you haven't accomplished yet, and you know you want to do them... do them!
I'm starting to realize that you have to life your life in a way that makes you happy.
You don't want to regret not doing something later on in your life

Take care of yourself,
hey, joanna. i know how you feel, been there. i would not have believed it at the time, but there is hope. there were times i wondered why take all this med, if it doesn't seem to help when things are bad. the trauma diaries here have helped me immensely, as has the experience and support of others here, and anthony(it's good to see an example of someone with ptsd that has a handle on his life) please don't feel alone, we are all over the globe, but like young and angry said, we are here for you.
Joanna, but do you see you at the bottom, and your still looking up! Interesting ha? You are still looking at the positives life has to offer, and whilst you continue doing that, you will take that positive path forward.

The best thing, even being tired, is to jump in the shower and wake yourself up, get dressed, put some joggers on and go for a walk. Go look at the world and see what it has to offer you. The walk will increase your blood flow, get your heart pumping, and will make you feel a bit better, even if you think you can't, let me just say, you can. Only your mind holds you back, nothing more.
Still Here

This weeks adgenda and into next
Have to go for fingerprintting and mugshots today. My oldes sons going courtcase is tommorrow. Down know If I can make that one. Mu own hearing is on the twenty third. I;ll be doing all three alones My case is on my second sons 22 birthday, /my accident :doh: happened on my youngest sons birthday, I never imaginged how cruel It will be to them
Hey JoannaG,
I am around the same age as you and feel the same, but things have been looking up since I found this site.
I also find it hard to write about my trauma(s), but it's like Anthony says "baby steps." Do a little at a time and if you're not sure about sharing it with everyone, do like I'm doing; write it in the private diary where the only one person really looking at it is Anthony.
Hope today is a better day for you.
Thanks everyone for your support
Much better today went to sisters for the weekend and saw an old friend there as well. It was nice to get some time away in a emotionally safe place.

Did the fingerprint thing today. Hubbies settling down a bit. Won't be home till midnight tonight. I'll already be asleep I hope. I am hoping things are alright for the next while for me. The panick attacks are fading out. Still having major trust issues at home with him, no communication at present. Don't feel the need for booze either. Which is nice for a change. Usually want to drink if he gets me upset. Only one coffee in the mornings too. I'm off to have a hot bath, watch some television, and my kittens runaround like goofs. I've been reading your Trauma diaries and it's incredible what we survive isn't it. Wishing you all well
Bye for now
hey joanna its gets better..i hit bottom 6 months ago. The meds worked then didnt but it gets easier. I wish you all the best..
The meds are working not happy but not crying or desperate either, kind of emotionally flat. Almost out of lorazepam again. doc only gives me a few weeks worth. Not looking forward to staying awake for days at a time again. Damned paxils. Smoking like a chimney with the blank head and no insentie to get up and going again. Once I've been away from the booze for a couple of months I'm going to try quitting again. Hate being on pills at all especially knowing doc thinks I need them long term this time. I think my brain is taking a vacation without me. :dontknow: I've changed so much over this PTSD. I'm going to try to link my story through my website fun page today so you guys can have a look. takes so ong to upload on dial-up. No high-speed this far out.
Thanks again
Hi Joanna...I can't offer any wisdom on this as I'm feeling really down myself...but maybe it will help if you know you'r enot alone.
I'm in my early 20's and I just can't see myself making it to 30 even...Lately I've started considering meds (I am currently not on any) but then reading these posts I am feeling more and more confident that even though it gets really bad ...that I would be worse off if I took them...

Anyway...yesterday in therapy I heard firecrackers and had "an episode"...not pleasent...now wants me to work on controlling dissociation...
I guess I am in the minority here but I believe medication can really help in some cases. The process of being a human guinea pig until the right medication and dose is determined is not pleasant. And it is a double edged sword to take medication; the downside being, among other things, that it masks things too much, but med.s can help some of us get on our feet and work through things.

In my case, since I have had this illness my whole life, I needed medication so that I could know/remember what it felt like to be normal; that is to experience what life is like for those not always in fight or flight and constantly afraid. It also gave me a much needed break from the fatigue of PTSD at a time when I finally crashed.

So Joanna if the meds help, take them! There is nothing wrong with it and it is a better way to break the bad cycle then self-medication or the consequences of no intervention at all. And there is no stigma to taking them short or long term. PTSD does some wicked stuff to body chemistry and each of us does what we need to fight back.

Hang in there. You are not alone. I am sure you didn't want your membership card to this club any more than the rest of us, but I am discovering that there are some real good people here.

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