Hey. It’s been A WHILE. Lol.
I’m married now, and pregnant (somewhere in my second trimester). I’ve been married for a little over six months and pregnant for a little over five months.
I’ve been depressed for a couple months (probably longer), but not like Major Depressive Disorder, not the extreme two weeks and it’s gone kind of thing, instead just this ongoing dull but difficult depression. I’m assuming this is from pregnancy hormones, but everyone told me I’d have energy in the second trimester.
In addition, I’ve been very clingy to my husband, I want to be cuddling basically all the time. I think I use it to mask the depression like free antidepressants lol.
But anyways, the other day, he came home from work, we ate dinner together (20 minutes) but he had somewhere else to be and was like “Dang, I wish I had more time to spend with you”. He left and came back at like 8pm, kissed me, and went upstairs to play video games for the next five hours and came to bed at 1am.
It bothered me so much. I was panic-crying for most of that time, went to bed and fell asleep. I didn’t say anything to him because I wanted to see if he would remember that I exist, or if he’d come to bed wanting sex after leaving me alone for hours.
When he came to bed, I pretended like I was asleep. He said “goodnight beautiful” and “I love you” and whatever else but I just ignored him. I had a hard time falling back asleep too.
The next day, he went to work before I was fully awake, and once I was awake I was panic-crying most of the day. Ya know, that his words don’t align with his actions, that he doesn’t want me or love me, that he just wants to use me. (Obviously all untrue things but I couldn’t calm myself down). I pretty much just stayed on the couch watching tv or sleeping all day).
We talked about it when he came home from work, and he felt bad, apologized, and said he expected me to come bother him (which I usually would do). I said I was tired of that. (I feel like I’m begging him for attention and affection and that’s really demeaning, no one should have to do that to feel loved). He and I spent the rest of the evening together.
I hated how all that went down, but I know very well that he needs direct communication, and I need to ask for what I want and need. And I could have prevented a whole day of wallowing in misery by talking to him about it sooner.
But ya know what happened two days later?
The.
Same.
Thing.
This time, it was like 8:30pm, he was playing video games, I asked if he wanted to watch a movie. He said sure. I expected him to finish up and close things down and come watch a movie not immediately but shortly. But then as time passed the same panic-crying starts up again and I’m like shit not again. I wait over an hour, and text him saying “How do you forget about me so easily
”. He came down promptly after seeing the text and I’m hiding under a blanket, a sobbing puddle, and he’s like “…oh”. He said he thought I was going to come back when I was ready to watch a movie. And it’s like bro??? I was ready to watch a movie WHEN I ASKED YOU. I was doing my best to ask for what I wanted and you said yes and then didn’t come?
I’m sorry this thing is really long.
But basically, I realized it’s not just pregnancy hormones and being needy from that, but it’s like a abandonment/neglect-trauma-flashback. And like f*ck that -__-
Also, my husband is adhd, he gets hyper fixated on stuff. He’s a sweetheart, and often oblivious, whenever I can, I ask for what I want/need directly because that works best communication-wise. I have a tendency to communicate more cryptically or like a puzzle.
I know I’m valid to need more attention but it’s not like I’m attention starved, we spend plenty of quality time together generally. But this whole my-world-ends-if-we-don’t really highlights that I have a constant need for reassurance, more going on than hormones when it lasts that long, and there’s a difference between just crying and flashback-panic-crying.
(For those that don’t know my background, I grew up with an abusive dad (emotional, verbal, sexual, and some physical “as punishment” and some neglect like if my mom wasn’t home). He had a lot of rage-type anger, and was mentally ill although never diagnosed, likely a narcissist and possibly some kind of mood disorder. My mom is a good person, but she didn’t give me much emotional support and actually kinda mocked me a lot for crying or saying I was being manipulative if I showed emotion. The emotion=ptsd flashbacks, anxiety attacks, etc. so that makes it really hard for me to express my emotions or ask for what I need).
After writing all this, idk what I’m even asking. I guess like I hate this shit. Need to communicate better, get my husband to understand, and try to have this not happen again.
I’m married now, and pregnant (somewhere in my second trimester). I’ve been married for a little over six months and pregnant for a little over five months.
I’ve been depressed for a couple months (probably longer), but not like Major Depressive Disorder, not the extreme two weeks and it’s gone kind of thing, instead just this ongoing dull but difficult depression. I’m assuming this is from pregnancy hormones, but everyone told me I’d have energy in the second trimester.
In addition, I’ve been very clingy to my husband, I want to be cuddling basically all the time. I think I use it to mask the depression like free antidepressants lol.
But anyways, the other day, he came home from work, we ate dinner together (20 minutes) but he had somewhere else to be and was like “Dang, I wish I had more time to spend with you”. He left and came back at like 8pm, kissed me, and went upstairs to play video games for the next five hours and came to bed at 1am.
It bothered me so much. I was panic-crying for most of that time, went to bed and fell asleep. I didn’t say anything to him because I wanted to see if he would remember that I exist, or if he’d come to bed wanting sex after leaving me alone for hours.
When he came to bed, I pretended like I was asleep. He said “goodnight beautiful” and “I love you” and whatever else but I just ignored him. I had a hard time falling back asleep too.
The next day, he went to work before I was fully awake, and once I was awake I was panic-crying most of the day. Ya know, that his words don’t align with his actions, that he doesn’t want me or love me, that he just wants to use me. (Obviously all untrue things but I couldn’t calm myself down). I pretty much just stayed on the couch watching tv or sleeping all day).
We talked about it when he came home from work, and he felt bad, apologized, and said he expected me to come bother him (which I usually would do). I said I was tired of that. (I feel like I’m begging him for attention and affection and that’s really demeaning, no one should have to do that to feel loved). He and I spent the rest of the evening together.
I hated how all that went down, but I know very well that he needs direct communication, and I need to ask for what I want and need. And I could have prevented a whole day of wallowing in misery by talking to him about it sooner.
But ya know what happened two days later?
The.
Same.
Thing.
This time, it was like 8:30pm, he was playing video games, I asked if he wanted to watch a movie. He said sure. I expected him to finish up and close things down and come watch a movie not immediately but shortly. But then as time passed the same panic-crying starts up again and I’m like shit not again. I wait over an hour, and text him saying “How do you forget about me so easily
”. He came down promptly after seeing the text and I’m hiding under a blanket, a sobbing puddle, and he’s like “…oh”. He said he thought I was going to come back when I was ready to watch a movie. And it’s like bro??? I was ready to watch a movie WHEN I ASKED YOU. I was doing my best to ask for what I wanted and you said yes and then didn’t come?I’m sorry this thing is really long.
But basically, I realized it’s not just pregnancy hormones and being needy from that, but it’s like a abandonment/neglect-trauma-flashback. And like f*ck that -__-
Also, my husband is adhd, he gets hyper fixated on stuff. He’s a sweetheart, and often oblivious, whenever I can, I ask for what I want/need directly because that works best communication-wise. I have a tendency to communicate more cryptically or like a puzzle.
I know I’m valid to need more attention but it’s not like I’m attention starved, we spend plenty of quality time together generally. But this whole my-world-ends-if-we-don’t really highlights that I have a constant need for reassurance, more going on than hormones when it lasts that long, and there’s a difference between just crying and flashback-panic-crying.
(For those that don’t know my background, I grew up with an abusive dad (emotional, verbal, sexual, and some physical “as punishment” and some neglect like if my mom wasn’t home). He had a lot of rage-type anger, and was mentally ill although never diagnosed, likely a narcissist and possibly some kind of mood disorder. My mom is a good person, but she didn’t give me much emotional support and actually kinda mocked me a lot for crying or saying I was being manipulative if I showed emotion. The emotion=ptsd flashbacks, anxiety attacks, etc. so that makes it really hard for me to express my emotions or ask for what I need).
After writing all this, idk what I’m even asking. I guess like I hate this shit. Need to communicate better, get my husband to understand, and try to have this not happen again.
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