Someone help me sort this out - Marriage, Pregnancy, Hormones, Depression, & Trauma

[Friday]

. But that I would rather not have to ask every day for attention.

ADHD trick(s)… Tetris it in.

As I both have it, and 3/4s of my family does, as well.

Call it an adventure, even if it’s just running to the corner store for smokes, or the farmers market for carrots; or crashout (or family huggle) to watch a film; or “let’s go collapse into bliss” & listen to some music, watch the stars, sit around a fire. Et Cetera.

Give the “you” time names, for the MOOD you want during it.

And we’ll RISE to that occasion.

Okay! I KNOW. WHAT. TO. DO.

ADHD peeps? Tend to Love Steak & A Blowjob Day (even if they’re vegan, and don’t go down, on 3/14) far more than Valentine’s Day (2/14)… just. becuase. the. instructions. are. in. the. name. Seriously. The vegan asexuals I know just substitute “appropriate” choices. The rest of us? Are often finally ready for it to BE Valentine’s Day, a month late. >.<

ADHD people teeeeeeend to be so smart we’re dumb.

Find the workaround?

Find the “FFS! Finally! WHY WAS THIS SO DAMN HARD?!?”

 

[Roland]

ADHD trick(s)… Tetris it in.

As I both have it, and 3/4s of my family does, as well.

Call it an adventure, even if it’s just running to the corner store for smokes, or the farmers market for carrots; or crashout (or family huggle) to watch a film; or “let’s go collapse into bliss” & listen to some music, watch the stars, sit around a fire. Et Cetera.

Give the “you” time names, for the MOOD you want during it.

And we’ll RISE to that occasion.

Okay! I KNOW. WHAT. TO. DO.

ADHD peeps? Tend to Love Steak & A Blowjob Day (even if they’re vegan, and don’t go down, on 3/14) far more than Valentine’s Day (2/14)… just. becuase. the. instructions. are. in. the. name. Seriously. The vegan asexuals I know just substitute “appropriate” choices. The rest of us? Are often finally ready for it to BE Valentine’s Day, a month late. >.<

ADHD people teeeeeeend to be so smart we’re dumb.

Find the workaround?

Find the “FFS! Finally! WHY WAS THIS SO DAMN HARD?!?”

The fact that he has adhd doesn’t bother me in the slightest. I think my brother has adhd too (undiagnosed but my mom taught him to manage it well) so I grew up around it. Makes me chuckle when I see stuff like “adhd ruined my marriage”, it’s like seriously? Like I don’t fetishize adhd but neither do I demonize it. It’s just how some people are, they’re very smart, fast paced people, they need a lot of stimulation almost constantly. Sure they forget stuff and they’re late to everything but who really cares. I need people to be dependable but that comes down to communication which he does well, for example when we were dating I got a lot of texts saying “I’m running about 15 minutes late” like I can deal with that all day long, I didn’t feel stood up or abandoned because you told me you communicated.

I’m pretty boring lately, I don’t want to do much, but a lot of times we’ll sit on the couch together and I’ll watch something on tv and he’ll play a handheld game or I’ll just cuddle him. That works pretty well since he needs to be doing something pretty much all the time. I don’t mind this, I don’t need his undivided attention, just some of his attention.

When we discussed it, he suggested more date nights. We went dancing tonight and that was nice. Tomorrow we’re going to carve jack o’lanterns.

We like playing games together but I only feel like playing games once a week or less lol.

Steak and blowjob xD we have a lot of sex, at least daily, ya know being newlyweds and all. Even not being newlyweds, I think both of us have a higher sex drive.

 

[Roland]

We’re gonna be able to manage this well, I feel good about it.

It’s crazy being so effortlessly transported to some kind of neglect/abandonment moment as a child and not really able to get out of it on my own. But yeah that’s ptsd for ya.

 

[Tinyflame]

I think it's hugely tumultuous, terrifying and exciting all at once to be in the process of becoming new parents. I agree with your H that these are things you will also learn as you go. I think it's expected to focus on anything else including video games with all the thoughts that could crowd in. (Plus now is the time to enjoy peace-filled sleep while you can!) Plus there are the fears and associations that can come back from your own childhoods and parents, and wondering what kind of mom and dad you will be. The only thing I know and others have told me the same is life does not go as you expect it. But he is right, more importantly than that you are on the journey together. You are a team and your baby will be the 3rd member, who you both already love, just as you love each other.

Ptsd is honestly wild, how you can go from normal “oh he’ll just be a second and he’ll come watch a movie with me” to crying, hiding, trembling nonverbal child that now feels unlovable and dejected. Spicy time travel lol.

It’s crazy being so effortlessly transported to some kind of neglect/abandonment moment as a child and not really able to get out of it on my own. But yeah that’s ptsd for ya.

I find the better I can recognize what's behind my feelings especially dysregulated ones like that the better I can replace them eventually. Because (for me) with or without ptsd my feelings will change. If I base things like trust on feelings I make up my own stories, true to today or not, that justify those stories. And those stories will be heavily weighted to the past. Instead now I try to remember, I choose to put my trust (x), or I believe (y). Full stop. The happy consequence is it cuts back on being self-pre-occupied too, or provides some perspective. Especially as to why I feel the way I do and what to do about it. Then I can even begin to voice what I'm thinking. But it helps me some to know where my behaviour or thoughts or feelings come from, instead of just bouncing it back and forth in my own mind and seeing/ feeling it's a life on repeat.

Best wishes to you and congratulations!

 

[EveHarrington]

This is very typical gamer guy behavior and yet every time I point it out anywhere, I’m shouted down. Many women date gamer guys and expect them to change after getting married. They don’t change, this is who they are, this is the nature of what they do. Just be prepared when he won’t stop gaming in order to help with the baby. Yes, I tell all women to not date gamer guys. No, I don’t see this same problem develop in female gamers. Yes, you can disagree, you can think you’re the exception to the rule, but you’ve already shown that you aren’t, that he is no different, that his behavior is no different.

 

[Roland]

I think it's hugely tumultuous, terrifying and exciting all at once to be in the process of becoming new parents. I agree with your H that these are things you will also learn as you go. I think it's expected to focus on anything else including video games with all the thoughts that could crowd in. (Plus now is the time to enjoy peace-filled sleep while you can!) Plus there are the fears and associations that can come back from your own childhoods and parents, and wondering what kind of mom and dad you will be. The only thing I know and others have told me the same is life does not go as you expect it. But he is right, more importantly than that you are on the journey together. You are a team and your baby will be the 3rd member, who you both already love, just as you love each other.




I find the better I can recognize what's behind my feelings especially dysregulated ones like that the better I can replace them eventually. Because (for me) with or without ptsd my feelings will change. If I base things like trust on feelings I make up my own stories, true to today or not, that justify those stories. And those stories will be heavily weighted to the past. Instead now I try to remember, I choose to put my trust (x), or I believe (y). Full stop. The happy consequence is it cuts back on being self-pre-occupied too, or provides some perspective. Especially as to why I feel the way I do and what to do about it. Then I can even begin to voice what I'm thinking. But it helps me some to know where my behaviour or thoughts or feelings come from, instead of just bouncing it back and forth in my own mind and seeing/ feeling it's a life on repeat.

Best wishes to you and congratulations!

That’s all very true lol. I’m not really looking forward to all the triggers and flashbacks that are going to be associated with childhood/parenting. But we’ll figure it out.

I’ve done the process you describe with other triggers before and it’s very effective, but it takes a long time and many times of being triggered by the same thing before the “trigger bomb is defused” meaning the same situation that triggers you pops up but you don’t end up in a flashback/anxiety attack/etc because you’ve replaced the beliefs. I’d say on ones I’ve worked on before it’s still an uphill climb, if I wasn’t mindful of it, I may slip back into the old pattern of being controlled by the trigger.

This shit is exhausting, it really gets old pretty fast lol.

But thank you, overall we are excited for the challenges ahead and I am pretty confident we can work through them.

 

[Roland]

This is very typical gamer guy behavior and yet every time I point it out anywhere, I’m shouted down. Many women date gamer guys and expect them to change after getting married. They don’t change, this is who they are, this is the nature of what they do. Just be prepared when he won’t stop gaming in order to help with the baby. Yes, I tell all women to not date gamer guys. No, I don’t see this same problem develop in female gamers. Yes, you can disagree, you can think you’re the exception to the rule, but you’ve already shown that you aren’t, that he is no different, that his behavior is no different.

You’re right that women don’t really do the same as “gamer girls”. Guys really can get addicted to video games, especially with adhd, it’s about the way they are structured to go up levels, it’s a challenge to improve and it’s a clear system where you get rewarded when you do well and if you don’t do well you don’t move up or get rewarded. Probably the military is like the only thing in life that really mimics that.

I don’t think I expect him to change, I’m well aware how he is, and accept it. I think you view this a little extreme (which is your prerogative). I know other gamer guys, one that is basically nocturnal so he takes care of the baby during the night for feedings and stuff. I chose to marry my husband and I stand by that choice. There’s a difference between expecting him to change as in not game or be able to read my mind, and make some simple efforts. Even as a “gamer guy” he’s not the kind of person to just expect me to do everything while he does nothing, I know that’s a common dynamic with “gamer guys”. He’s very performance-driven and “people pleasing”, both of us hate conflict, so whenever stuff like this comes up we both muster up the courage to discuss it and make changes (it’s a surprise that we don’t avoid conflict more, but I suppose because we both respect each other and both want things to go smoothly and we know from previous conflicts that we’re going to come out of it better, feeling heard, respected, and with positive momentum going forward even if we don’t always know how to resolve it). Far cry from both our yelling-fighting parents.

 

[Liljulz67]

I’m sorry to hear your relationship was ruined over it.

You’re so right how that shit haunts you… like you can’t really escape it.

We work through a lot of stuff. He’s always really kind and supportive, and he listens when I bring things up or say I’m being triggered. This won’t end us, but I can’t say it’s not a struggle at times.

We talked about it last night, I wrote an update comment here in this thread, we’re going to try to change things to prevent it from happening continuously.

I am so Happy for you,sounds like you have the right person to work and talk things through,so Awesome.Thank you for your kind words,so sweet of you.i know we struggle and work on things constantly.Wish you alot of good in your life.your Baby will be happy to know Mommy was good to him/her.take good care of you.you need to know how Important this is now.i am here,as we all are for each other.

 

[Roland]

I am so Happy for you,sounds like you have the right person to work and talk things through,so Awesome.Thank you for your kind words,so sweet of you.i know we struggle and work on things constantly.Wish you alot of good in your life.your Baby will be happy to know Mommy was good to him/her.take good care of you.you need to know how Important this is now.i am here,as we all are for each other.

I love that about this forum, it’s a great resource and also amazing community. It’s amazing too how you can see how others have gotten through some of their issues. Some mental health spaces don’t really have anyone that’s gotten better and it makes it seem hopeless.

 

[Friday]

The fact that he has adhd doesn’t bother me in the slightest.

<grin> I’d hope not! Since you’re married to the man, having his baby, and over the moon in love with him …so much that it hurts this badly when he’s absent. Unless it’s ALL trauma stuff, and not trauma-tangled-in-love-and-hormones? Which is fair. I married an asshole, so no judgment if you made a mistake. But? Assuming you didn’t, and are “just” attempting to cast oil on troubled waters all tangled with… everything?

Trust yourself.

You married him. You know him …and all his faults… past what he says/does to his heart & his intentions.

The fear? Is doubting your own judgement, more than doubting him, yes?

WHAT IF???

(As opposed to the hormonal “You love the dog more than meeeeeee!” moments. And as opposed to the trauma fueled black & white …I should die, end it, never have, always will, will never, it’s always… moments.)

One night as I lay thinking here,
A what if crawled inside my ear,
It danced and partied all night long,
And sang its little What IF song.
- Shel Silverstein

Trust yourself.

You chose him, and you’re badass. So go poke that bear, in a way that makes him show you his belly for a good rub, but above all? Trust you.

 

[Roland]

<grin> I’d hope not! Since you’re married to the man, having his baby, and over the moon in love with him …so much that it hurts this badly when he’s absent. Unless it’s ALL trauma stuff, and not trauma-tangled-in-love-and-hormones? Which is fair. I married an asshole, so no judgment if you made a mistake. But? Assuming you didn’t, and are “just” attempting to cast oil on troubled waters all tangled with… everything?

Trust yourself.

You married him. You know him …and all his faults… past what he says/does to his heart & his intentions.

The fear? Is doubting your own judgement, more than doubting him, yes?

WHAT IF???

(As opposed to the hormonal “You love the dog more than meeeeeee!” moments. And as opposed to the trauma fueled black & white …I should die, end it, never have, always will, will never, it’s always… moments.)

One night as I lay thinking here,
A what if crawled inside my ear,
It danced and partied all night long,
And sang its little What IF song.
- Shel Silverstein

Trust yourself.

You chose him, and you’re badass. So go poke that bear, in a way that makes him show you his belly for a good rub, but above all? Trust you.

Thank you

I used to read a lot of stuff for fun about being married to someone with adhd and a lot of people had really negative views on it. Especially when they didn’t understand adhd, so when they met and fell in love and the adhd person is all taking you on adventures and hyper fixated on you is lovely but then when life settles in and the start hyperfixating on something else then they’re all crushed. I understand how adhd works quite well so it’s no surprise to me. (This honestly happens in many relationships, you see who the person is as time passes) but I do as you say stand by my decision, he’s a sweetheart and I am absolutely wound up in love for him, and hormonal AND traumatized.

 

[Tinyflame]

I’ve done the process you describe with other triggers before and it’s very effective, but it takes a long time and many times of being triggered by the same thing before the “trigger bomb is defused” meaning the same situation that triggers you pops up but you don’t end up in a flashback/anxiety attack/etc because you’ve replaced the beliefs. I’d say on ones I’ve worked on before it’s still an uphill climb, if I wasn’t mindful of it, I may slip back into the old pattern of being controlled by the trigger.

I think that's how all of us feel. Keep practicing- though unfortunately it is unpleasant and difficult when in it.

I don't think I've replaced the beliefs I just know a bit better why it's happening, and have to tell myself it's more about that and then, not now.

The alternative is the happy times I can overwrite it with a good connotation. And perspective shift by choice. By way of example instead of feeling shame I could choose to focus on how much different it is now, which can be gratitude, or at least I had the courage and safety to face the moment or even feel it, which is because of support.