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Something is seriously wrong

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Fadeaway

MyPTSD Pro
I feel wrong. My brain feels wrong. No, I don't know how to put it in to words. My brain just feels fuzzy and distorted. I feel like I am screaming at the the top of my lungs for someone to help me and no one is listening. Would you leave someone who was very visibly physically injured in the middle of the street and not think twice about it, or would you call for medical assistance.

I got excited for a second thinking today was Monday and I could call my psychiatrist. The crash when I realized it was still Sunday, so much anxiety..

The signals are loud and clear, nothing in my life will ever change. No one will ever take me serious. No one will ever be there. I get my husband has his own issue going on with work, he is upset he was past over for a promotion by the "girl from clueless with bigger tits." Then turned around and told me that I am exactly the type of person they would promote. Ouch. I asked him if he thought I was an airhead, he told me he wasn't going to answer that. Whatever, I know I am .

Miracle of all miracles he actually spent a whole 15 minutes of time with me last night.I know he feels justified because so many times in the past I have made him feel like I was trying to get rid of him. True. But this, whatever the hell is going on with me is making me scared to be alone. This is coming from someone who since child has spent so much time without human contact that I am pretty much used to it now and can't handle too much.

Anyways, he is convinced that boundaries means physical separation. His idea is that it is like police don not cross tape. I keep telling him that it means if someone keeps saying hurtful things it means that the other person will walk away. I forget the word he used but it was akin to punishment or retribution. He isn't going to get it, nothing I say will change it, but damn has it been so hurtful. He isn't going to change, I get this. it is way it is so imperative I don't feel like I feel.

He rarely ever talks about his personal beliefs with me. it slowly comes out over time, and I have learned what he claims and what he actually believes is two different things. I get that, he has beliefs that are not accepted by the mainstream religion in this country. But telling me I had an entity attached to me like a leach. I told him don't you f*cking dare. That is exactly the same kind of shit my grandparents believed when they did an exorcism on me. He said it wasn't like, that it was external and attracted to trauma not possession. But I don't care it sounded to much like what my grandparent said about me as a child minus the reason. At least he acknowledged the trauma. They believed it was because I sinned. Anyways, that ended my human contact for the week.

Anyways I took an uber yesterday, got out of the house so a short while, but I feel very ripped off. I was shocked how expensive it was, more than double the price of a cab. I don't think that is right, I think he was lying but what could I do about it. I did not feel safe alone with a man in his car. There was something about the fact it was a personal vehicle and not a cab that made me feel very unsafe so I dind't question. I won't be doing that again.

Well writing this has occupied about an hour of my time. Only about 14 hours more to go until I can call the psychiatrist and maybe be admitted. Sad when that is what you are looking forward most to in life.
 
I think that you were brave in taking the uber. I have a hard time with taxis. Which I very rarely take. I hope by this time you are feeling a little better. you did not ask for anything specifically so I wanted to respond so that you felt heard. I am sorry they did an exorcism on you. I think that was so wrong and I am sorry that you have not had much human contact lately. :hug:
 
I am sorry I missed this. I went to look up information on the medications I am on. Thank you for being so kind and caring. It makes a huge difference. and is what I really needed, just knowing that you offered. I feel better than I did earlier but still frightened.

When I was looking up my medications I found that it is on the list of medication I am a poor metabolize of. I am complying a list of medications to take to my psychiatrist that are listed as medications I shouldn't take based on my genetics. I am really hoping he will look at my dna results.
 
I am saddened to hear that you are struggling with so much right now @Fadeaway and ptsd is so hard for others to understand and so are boundaries. And, I like @Rain am here to support you as well and if you need to talk I am here for you. I wish I could instantly make you feel better.

I'm sending lots of hugs for you and I've been in such a place as where you are right now and not wanting to be alone yet being with others is so at times very exhausting and brain-numbing. Also being honest with your self and being vulnerable is oh so extremely painful at times.

And kudos for having enough nerve to take the uber taxi...something I could never do...for fear grips me still having to be in a vehicle with someone that I do not know at all. Wow they sound so very expensive when they are more than double on their fare...yikes!

Hard to believe that the people who are supposed to be protecting us could ever expose us to things like exorcisms...or as in my case sexual abuse, extreme beatings and mental torture, etc. So healthy that you reached out here in the forum and are contemplating starting the thread to seek more feedback until you can call your psychiatrist on Monday and then if need be...to get admitted to the hospital. And looking forward to going to the hospital for me was all about my priorities at the time...and I was so grateful that my psych hospital was/is there/here for me whenever I may need it to help me to deal with my ptsd fallout.

Again @Fadeaway, I'm here and I do care. I will check back in here before retiring to bed tonight to check in on you. Peace...and Love.
 
When I was looking up my medications I found that it is on the list of medication I am a poor metabolize of. I am complying a list of medications to take to my psychiatrist that are listed as medications I shouldn't take based on my genetics. I am really hoping he will look at my dna results.
I don't know if this will help, or over-complicate things...so take it with a grain of salt.

Being a poor metabolizer doesn't necessarily mean that you shouldn't take the medication. It means that you may experience stronger side effects at lower doses than the average population. It also means that you will generally need to be on the low end of the therapeutic dosing region, and perhaps below the commonly accepted threshold.

So, if you have little to no CYP2D6 enzyme, and you are taking psych drugs that utilize it, you may need to take less of the drug OR you may need to come off it altogether, if you are getting what seems like all side effects and no therapeutic benefit.

There's a level of understanding these results that involves knowing how various drugs themselves interact - some meds supply an element that affects how the other med is metabolized. That's (in part) the notion behind 'adjunct' drugs - they boost (amplify) the effects of other drugs, and when taken together can have a therapeutic impact where on their own, they might not.

My brain feels wrong. No, I don't know how to put it in to words. My brain just feels fuzzy and distorted. I feel like I am screaming at the the top of my lungs for someone to help me and no one is listening.
These are pretty good words, actually.

If this is a unique feeling, and it lines up with a medication change - OR with a longevity in medication use - it's very reasonable to look to the medication as being the culprit.

Can you ask your psych about being admitted to a hospital specifically to adjust your meds under supervision? (Forgive me, I don't remember your stance on hospitals) . Inpatient, they can get you off of and onto drugs much more efficiently, because you are under observation.

I'm really sorry to hear how much you are struggling. Try and just keep putting one foot in front of the other. I find at times like this, thinking long-term is one of the worst things I can do to myself, since I'm incapable of seeing the future as anything other than a giant sucking black hole.
 
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