I feel wrong. My brain feels wrong. No, I don't know how to put it in to words. My brain just feels fuzzy and distorted. I feel like I am screaming at the the top of my lungs for someone to help me and no one is listening. Would you leave someone who was very visibly physically injured in the middle of the street and not think twice about it, or would you call for medical assistance.
I got excited for a second thinking today was Monday and I could call my psychiatrist. The crash when I realized it was still Sunday, so much anxiety..
The signals are loud and clear, nothing in my life will ever change. No one will ever take me serious. No one will ever be there. I get my husband has his own issue going on with work, he is upset he was past over for a promotion by the "girl from clueless with bigger tits." Then turned around and told me that I am exactly the type of person they would promote. Ouch. I asked him if he thought I was an airhead, he told me he wasn't going to answer that. Whatever, I know I am .
Miracle of all miracles he actually spent a whole 15 minutes of time with me last night.I know he feels justified because so many times in the past I have made him feel like I was trying to get rid of him. True. But this, whatever the hell is going on with me is making me scared to be alone. This is coming from someone who since child has spent so much time without human contact that I am pretty much used to it now and can't handle too much.
Anyways, he is convinced that boundaries means physical separation. His idea is that it is like police don not cross tape. I keep telling him that it means if someone keeps saying hurtful things it means that the other person will walk away. I forget the word he used but it was akin to punishment or retribution. He isn't going to get it, nothing I say will change it, but damn has it been so hurtful. He isn't going to change, I get this. it is way it is so imperative I don't feel like I feel.
He rarely ever talks about his personal beliefs with me. it slowly comes out over time, and I have learned what he claims and what he actually believes is two different things. I get that, he has beliefs that are not accepted by the mainstream religion in this country. But telling me I had an entity attached to me like a leach. I told him don't you f*cking dare. That is exactly the same kind of shit my grandparents believed when they did an exorcism on me. He said it wasn't like, that it was external and attracted to trauma not possession. But I don't care it sounded to much like what my grandparent said about me as a child minus the reason. At least he acknowledged the trauma. They believed it was because I sinned. Anyways, that ended my human contact for the week.
Anyways I took an uber yesterday, got out of the house so a short while, but I feel very ripped off. I was shocked how expensive it was, more than double the price of a cab. I don't think that is right, I think he was lying but what could I do about it. I did not feel safe alone with a man in his car. There was something about the fact it was a personal vehicle and not a cab that made me feel very unsafe so I dind't question. I won't be doing that again.
Well writing this has occupied about an hour of my time. Only about 14 hours more to go until I can call the psychiatrist and maybe be admitted. Sad when that is what you are looking forward most to in life.
I got excited for a second thinking today was Monday and I could call my psychiatrist. The crash when I realized it was still Sunday, so much anxiety..
The signals are loud and clear, nothing in my life will ever change. No one will ever take me serious. No one will ever be there. I get my husband has his own issue going on with work, he is upset he was past over for a promotion by the "girl from clueless with bigger tits." Then turned around and told me that I am exactly the type of person they would promote. Ouch. I asked him if he thought I was an airhead, he told me he wasn't going to answer that. Whatever, I know I am .
Miracle of all miracles he actually spent a whole 15 minutes of time with me last night.I know he feels justified because so many times in the past I have made him feel like I was trying to get rid of him. True. But this, whatever the hell is going on with me is making me scared to be alone. This is coming from someone who since child has spent so much time without human contact that I am pretty much used to it now and can't handle too much.
Anyways, he is convinced that boundaries means physical separation. His idea is that it is like police don not cross tape. I keep telling him that it means if someone keeps saying hurtful things it means that the other person will walk away. I forget the word he used but it was akin to punishment or retribution. He isn't going to get it, nothing I say will change it, but damn has it been so hurtful. He isn't going to change, I get this. it is way it is so imperative I don't feel like I feel.
He rarely ever talks about his personal beliefs with me. it slowly comes out over time, and I have learned what he claims and what he actually believes is two different things. I get that, he has beliefs that are not accepted by the mainstream religion in this country. But telling me I had an entity attached to me like a leach. I told him don't you f*cking dare. That is exactly the same kind of shit my grandparents believed when they did an exorcism on me. He said it wasn't like, that it was external and attracted to trauma not possession. But I don't care it sounded to much like what my grandparent said about me as a child minus the reason. At least he acknowledged the trauma. They believed it was because I sinned. Anyways, that ended my human contact for the week.
Anyways I took an uber yesterday, got out of the house so a short while, but I feel very ripped off. I was shocked how expensive it was, more than double the price of a cab. I don't think that is right, I think he was lying but what could I do about it. I did not feel safe alone with a man in his car. There was something about the fact it was a personal vehicle and not a cab that made me feel very unsafe so I dind't question. I won't be doing that again.
Well writing this has occupied about an hour of my time. Only about 14 hours more to go until I can call the psychiatrist and maybe be admitted. Sad when that is what you are looking forward most to in life.