Sometimes the amount of self care i require just drives me batty!

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EveHarrington

MyPTSD Pro
I’m wondering if others struggle with this from time to time?

Sometimes I just get so bogged down by the amount of self care I require.

It’s just crazy how if I mess up one little thing, my day can be ruined.

Sleep.... Everything has to be just right. The sound of my room. The temperature of my room. The clothes I wear. The blankets I use. If any one thing is slightly “off” my whole night can be ruined as well as the next day.

Food.... I have dietary restrictions as well as foods I must avoid in order to feel ok anxiety wise. Caffeine? Out! Even certain food ingredients make me anxious so I’m constantly reading labels. Eating out is like playing Russian roulette with my health.

Clothing.... All my clothes must fit exactly right and feel exactly right or else my anxiety can spike and I get quite agitated. Sometimes I go through up to 10 outfit changes before settling on what to wear.

And then there are my environmental controls where I must be cognizant of the places I go and the things that I do as to avoid overstimulation. My hearing is quite sensitive so I choose quiet environments and go out in public during non-peak hours.

Sometimes I go lax and end up paying the price. Really, I’ve adjusted quite well and most of the time I can do the self care I need in order to be ok. But yeah, sometimes I just want a vacation from having to take care of myself to a higher level. I’d be free to go wherever I want and do whatever I want.

Does anyone else feel the same?

Thanks.

:hug:
 

littleoc

MyPTSD Pro
I do. I wish I had advice but I don't.

Especially when it comes to sleep, for me. When I went on a research thing to Iceland, I was constantly feeling ashamed at how much I needed. Even when we were sleeping in tents in places with no people (we tried to use only campgrounds to prevent causing problems with wildlife and etc).

But you're not alone. I identify with this strongly. I've been told mine is partially due to OCD. The sleep part especially. *shrug*
 
Goodness, yes. Especially when I am trying to finish a degree, and I know I could do better work if I only had more time to spend on it, instead of sleeping or exercising or talking myself down from whatever cockamamie cognitive distortion I've cooked up this time. :rolleyes:
It's gotten better with practice. And better this than dead, in my book.
 

Swift

MyPTSD Pro
Yes. Oh gosh yes.
I call it 'mental health Jenga' - if I pull a block out, or get a block knocked out for whatever reason, the whole thing comes crashing down and I have to rebuild the whole dang tower.
And it frustrates the heck out of me. Makes me feel weak and incompetent.
And totally blows my mind that there are people out there who don't have to play mental health jenga with themselves.
 

Freemartin

Sponsor
whatever cockamamie cognitive distortion I've cooked up this time. :rolleyes:

I call it 'mental health Jenga'

:hilarious: I just love you guys.
I've been having an extremely hard time with my symptoms and it pisses me right off this amount of self care I need to do.
So, this kind of peer support is just what I needed.
Cheers, mates! :D
 

Tornadic Thoughts

MyPTSD Pro
Yup. It's exhausting some days. After having lived a life of never feeling worthy of good things, it feels even more bizarre.

I also find I feel incredibly self-empowered by being open to creating healing circumstances for myself, as I'd never realized I held that much power over my own well-being until I made such drastic changes. Six of one, half dozen of the other, I guess. Just depends on the day.

I must have:
  • a pillow fort when I sleep
  • fan for white noise
  • eye mask to block light
  • can't be too hot, but must have my heating pad within reach
  • can't use or stand any artificially scented anything in my living and breathing space
  • can't comfortably or healthily digest animal flesh or by-products/artificially created food-like substances/caffeine/alcohol/gluten
  • must make most all of my own hygiene/cleaning/laundry supplies
  • must have comfy clothing that doesn't distract, annoy, or pain me the whole time I'm wearing them
  • must fix all of my own meals, snacks, and beverages if I wish to be as functional as possible and maintain an overall feeling of wellness as much as possible
  • which means I can no longer healthily participate in most of the casual and formal things others define as being "social" and "normal"
  • must very carefully navigate the masses/sounds/temperatures/smells/energies/etc.
  • must have easy access to nature...can't handle concrete jungles
  • i could go on and on forever....but yeah....it's a hell of a lot to keep up with

I don't know how the f*ck I ever managed to work multiple f/t and then some jobs, help raise and care for two step-kids, and manage to help care for others, too. I guess that's how I kept my own stuff neatly out of the way for so long, by filling up all my time with the needs of others? While steadily getting crushed under the weight of suppressing it all. Like a good little employee/wife/step-mom/friend/daughter/aunt/sister/community volunteer/etc....as I'd long been conditioned to do.

I'm now forced to fill my time by investing my energies into me being my own new f/t and then some job...which is hard to get used to after having been taught that was viewed as being selfish rather than engaging in self-love/self-care. I still require regular time off, sick days, hellidays, and extended vacation time to chill/nurture/recoup/regroup.

I don't do well at following my own orders, either, I've found, no matter how kindly I frame them for myself, and that trips me up rather often. The absence of regular monetary pay surely sucks, but the overall benefits continue to impress me and blow my mind, so I guess that's what keeps me curious enough to keep on keeping on with it all and makes it feel somewhat balanced on occasion.
 

deeplyloved

MyPTSD Pro
Oh my goodness. This is so real. I complain about this to all of my health care providers and they look at me like I have two heads. They are seriously confused and ask "isn't a good thing to know what works? Can't we all be glad to have found what actually helps?" They tell me so many people never figure out what works to help them feel ok. So, I try to remember and be grateful. But, most of the time I feel resentful. I wonder if this is about not feeling worthy of care?
 

EveHarrington

MyPTSD Pro
Oh my goodness. This is so real. I complain about this to all of my health care providers and they...

Ehhhh.....it doesn’t work that way. I wish it did, but it doesn’t.

I mean ask a diabetic if they are happy with a restricted diet, no sugary junk food. Yeah, it keeps them healthy, but I’m sure most have foods they miss and going to social events with food is probably an issue. (I have different food issues and for me, social events can be a nightmare between not eating what is provided and trying to be social and trying to not be rude when turning down food).

And what about people who are physically handicapped? Maybe they should be happy that wheelchairs were invented and not struggle with their physical limitations?

I tend to go to alternative examples in order to show that sometimes people don’t really know what they are saying when they talk to us this way.

Don’t get me wrong.....I am grateful that I know what helps, but when it’s down to things like falling asleep in the wrong shirt will ruin the next day.....it just feels ridiculous. (Yes, I did this last night, and my anxiety is horrendous today.) My daytime T shirts have to fit a certain way, but they are too restrictive to wear when I fall asleep. Yes, I call this clothing craziness!

I have dreams of traveling, but my self care requirements prevent this right now. I think people may not understand that “knowing what works” doesn’t mean that we can fix it all with self care. There will always be limitations that prevent me from doing everything that I want to do.

Sorry if I’m sounding overly negative. I just had a bad night because of a tee shirt! I guess this is kind of funny in a way....
 
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