Spiraling around those you love

Friday

Moderator
I’ve never done this, before. I’ve always ran for the hills / risked losing the relationship entirely, rather than be me, being me, through the brutal thick of it. Or managed to create a separation/distance/wall that kept my crazy on one side, & me on the other. So that what I was dealing with didn’t effect them. Or? Caused as little effect as possible.

It’s not that it’s impossible right now… I can, and could, always just walk and show up in a few years -or few months- later. I’m good at that. But it requires risking the relationship. And I’m not willing to do that. At least, not yet.

So I could reeeeally use some tips/tricks for not damaging/imploding relationships whilst struggling.
 

Survivor3

MyPTSD Pro
Hiya @Friday, do you mind if I ask? The way you feel at the moment and the fact that you don't want to run at the moment and repeat past behaviours.. what are the relationships you don't want to hurt? Is it family? Friends? Boyfriends? And why do you think your feeling this way right now? Where's the pressure coming from? Work? Internal conditions that your putting on yourself?
 

arfie

MyPTSD Pro
good to know friday isn't just another digital monitoring app. nice to meet you, human. thank you for your service.

Or managed to create a separation/distance/wall that kept my crazy on one side, & me on the other. So that what I was dealing with didn’t effect them. Or? Caused as little effect as possible.

with my 20/20 hindsight, i now believe attempting this approach resulted in premeditated schizophrenia. i was a construction boss, mother of 2 sons and the wife a tech guru. methinks i needed a longer commute to change from my steel-toed boots to my mommy boots. by the time i had my last hospital-league psychotic break (1995), i didn't know if i was frying bacon for my sons or frying the latest misbehaving hot dog on the crew. the worst part is that i didn't fool anybody but myself. it turns out my loved ones are smarter and more observant than i was giving them credit for. the meanest lies in the world are the ones we tell ourselves.

wow! ! ! was that really 27 years ago. time do fun when you are having fly.

since that breakdown, i've been approaching the conundrum with personal boundaries and quasi-open honesty. i say "quasi" because i still don't want my loved ones anywhere near the cesspools of my ptsd and don't believe they can really help, anyway. "yes, i am in crisis. please let me trust my therapy network and give me space to work it. i'll be back when this is settled." it took a goodly while to smooth out the approach and is still frequently a challenge, but love always has its challenges.
 

Weemie

MyPTSD Pro
When I'm doing reallllly bad, isolation is necessary. I get violent and psychotic. I've had moments where I've needed to curl up in a ball in a corner somewhere in public and just breathe and focus on not moving a muscle. It's for your safety and mine. In terms of vulnerability, it's a slow process. I was never able to cry or express emotions for 30 years before psilocybin. Now I have those moments and usually I need a minute to myself. But I've cried in front of my mom for the first time ever this year.

Close relationships? With 3D people? Not possible for me at the moment. I have a strong friend group but I have to socialize online and that's where the bulk of my socialization takes place. I do video chats and group DMs and shit. Used to be I'd berate myself for having a limited ability to engage with my real life community (I attend a synagogue twice a week for an hour but that's been spotty since I started cracking this shtuff open).

These days I try to have patience with myself and I view online socialization as a reasonable accommodation to severe attachment and social disabilities. You gotta do what you gotta do, FJ! Whether that's drawing up contracts or making it plainly clear that there're gonna be those times you need to be alone to cool off. When I don't have my medicine I have to stay in my room with the noise cancelling headphones on. Everyone's got their thingies!
 

Movingforward10

MyPTSD Pro
Depends a lot on what relationship and who the person is.
With my partner, been together so long she knows when I need quiet time or not. So knowing me, even in this 'new' version of me where *I have feelings*.
But others? Friends? I retreat a bit and say that I am retreating to a couple of them.

How comfortable and confident are you that the relationship can manage the symptoms of PTSD? How do you communicate about it?
 

Freida

MyPTSD Pro
So ya - I was a runner too. Then hubby came along and truly I have no idea how we made it thru those first few years. I think maybe this?

Knowing I had a go bag ready and could leave at any time made a huge difference because I had that all important back up plan. I knew I could take off at any time, so it gave me the freedom to stick around a couple extra days just to see how things played out when I got panicky. And I got panicky a lot because I didn't know why I was feeling how I was feeling (years before diagnosis) or how he fit in. But having that go bag made it easier to control because it gave me freedom - if I wanted it.

I kept that mindset for several years, but at some point it became less important as I started to feel safer in the relationship. Sometimes having The Plan to Leave is all you really need to stick around. 😁
 

joeylittle

Administrator
So I could reeeeally use some tips/tricks for not damaging/imploding relationships whilst struggling.
An essential element for me is making sure I'm using therapy as a container for the stuff that might leak out into my interpersonal functioning. And actually being very mindful about how I frame what's going on with me, when I'm asked how I am, and I don't want to just give the brush-off/disconnected answer because I care about the person and I know they are asking honestly. Being able to be open but also always give them the context that I've got a great therapist, here are the things that are going alright, these things are a struggle but I'm working through them in therapy, etc.

If I'm not able to have that professional clinician contact regularly, I'm much more likely to end up spilling out shit that honestly, they just aren't qualified or trained to handle.

It's great that you're working on strategies to stay present with the relationship instead of engaging in avoidance. So also, try and recognize that you are doing something that's challenging for you, and give yourself positive reinforcement for that.

Also - any times of stress are when the basics are really important. Daily routine that includes self-care. The things you need to do for YOU; making sure that you're tracking your stress cup, and finding those ways to drain it just a bit, on the daily. Makes a huge difference in our ability to interact with others.
 
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