Spirituality in recovery - found a way to have faith

koalaburger

Learning
I have recently gone from calling people God botherer's who worship a Sky Fairy to a believer. I am the sort of person who has lived in his head and used my logic and my mouth as a defence against feelings and spirituality. I joined Alcoholics Anonymous in 1984 and struggled with the Higher Power after a period of going to a fundamentalist church. The question that killed it was "Where was God when I was being verbally and mentally tortured by my parents." I have been seeing a psychologist who is very spiritual who will go to any type of church, ashram etc. to worship God. I judged her for it but she is a PTSD from childhood specialist and really helped me.

I have struggled and have had two suicide attempts and jokingly tell people even God doesn't want me. One thing the abuse gave me was a very black sense of humour which I think has saved me. I recently found a logical way for me to have faith. 1. God was there when I was a child because I was born with intelligence to develop strategies to cope. I became an arrogant narcissist so I did not have to slither around like a terrified foetus. 2. God only comes into our lives when we ask it. Free will and all that. 3. This is the big one. Why is God allowing us to destroy the planet through the greed of a few polluters? (If you want to debate climate change please go to twitter.) Perhaps the arrogance of humans that this planet and us are important to a higher power. Maybe this is just a nursery for our spirits to grow into the authentic self. There may be billions of these spirit nurseries in the Universe. 4. I have heard of quiet a few near death experiences where people see the usual white light and have a feeling of total love around them. I believe our life is to grow in love as an early start to the next life where God is pure love. I have been praying and meditating and reading spiritual daily books. The eleventh Step in AA is to improve our conscious contact with God. That has hit me hard as I have thought of God as a lolly shop where you go when you want something. I now pray for healing from my anxiety and depression so I may be of better use to God. Praying for knowledge of his will for us and the power to carry it out. This last part of the eleventh step is what I pray for a lot.

I feel like a different man at 64. I have been walking for 10 minutes a day in a beautiful spot near a lake and eating a healthy diet. I have lost 2 kilograms in two weeks and am feeling positive. I have restarted my autobiography. I have cleaned out all my cupboards and thrown out about a dozen bags full of clutter. I think all people who come to a spiritual way of living have to have a logical way of explaining it to themselves. This is mine. I have seen others who get overly wrapped up in spirituality and lose balance but I have been down that road and have all the components of my humanity taken care of in equal measure. I look forward to others experience in this area with a totally non judgmental space. I am not looking for a debate.

Cheers good folk.
 

RecoveryGuy

Confident
I am glad you found spirituality that helps you. I used to hate even the concept of god, but I realized two things. First, i didnt think anyone could care about me cause I was a "piece of s&!t." And secondly, that I did not have to force the "god" my parents gave me on myself.
 

Changing4Best

MyPTSD Pro
I did the anonymous thing for a few years, but stalled out on one of the steps where I was supposed to let God guide my life. That's just so hard for me. I had always seemed to be so self sufficient. Really though, I am not. So lately I have been relying on God more, praying for myself and others. Life is good.
 

Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
Well done. You did a nice job with the subject. I'm about your age and had a similar journey.

I just think if you live long enough you see things differently. I don't want to deal with the "various and sundry" because it brings on circular arguments.

I can't say beyond that. Or rather I can, but even I don't want to hear it.
 
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