Spouse being very hurtful and yelling at me during my triggers

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Hello,
I am really, really hurting right now, I feel so alone, and have no one to reach out to in this moment. I guess I am needing validation or compassion.
I am 9 weeks postpartum from having the sweetest little boy, and as if that isn't hard on it's own; I have debilitating ptsd. I do not have postpartum depression, I've been to all my appointments and been honest with everyone, fyi. But I am still off all meds to nurse, but am cutting back to eventually be done in 2 weeks, as much as it hurts my heart, it's time. Time to simplify things and also get back on psych meds.
Anyhow, last night my husband told me he was going to get 100% custody of the baby due to my PTSD, if I left him. I had gone into a trigger as he had started to get a harsh and loud tone with me... 230am, baby in my arms, and I was expressing (quietly), how I cannot handle him being mean to me in moments of frustration.
Ps. My mind really struggles to explain things properly; the right words escape me most of the time, but I will try my best.
Anyhow, it turned into him leaving on foot out the front door, slamming it. But before he left, he managed to yell at me, put me down in horrible ways, and as you know, threatened to take my newborn from me. And I was in a trigger during this. He really hurt my heart so bad, and I had to work very hard to come "out of the dark". I then had the baby by myself the rest of the night, and all day today, minus 3 hrs my mom came over to hold him while I pumped and talked with her.
He is back now and honestly I'm scared to see him, hear him, speak with him. There's no apology, everything is ignored. If I say anything to him about how I feel he will cut me off and say, "what about me?". Which, yes he does matter... it's just, well, I'm in an extremely vulnerable state, and at very high risk for postpartum depression, and triggers.
We have a therapist that we were going to together right before baby came, and I scheduled him for tomorrow.
If I would have known he was capable of verbally/psychologically/emotionally abusing me, especially in my state, and even more IN triggers... I wouldn't be here. But here I am.
Any words of strength or encouragement i would greatly appreciate... beyond measure.
I need to be ok for this precious, innocent little human. I'm doing my best, but to him, I'm just "pumping milk" and that's all. My heart, it hurts so badly.
Much love to any reader xoxo
 

DharmaGirl

MyPTSD Pro
I'm sorry you're going through this. Do you have a trauma therapist for yourself alone? It sounds like you need one just for yourself, so you can work on your trauma without him being there. When I use the word trigger, to me it means the situation has triggered me into a panic attack, flight, freezing, dissociation or hysterics. It seems as if you are using it differently, I'm not judging, I'm just trying to clarify what you mean. It sounds like you mean you are dissociated after having been triggered, but I want to make sure. What do you mean by IN triggers? It must be horrible to be threatened by the loss of your son. I know how vulnerable I was after having my son, and I hadn't been diagnosed yet. My ex was horrible in a different way but it was still hard for me. Thank Goodness you have your mother close!

I doubt he would get 100% custody unless you are a threat to yourself or others. It doesn't work that way. Would he be able to put your son in daycare while he works? It is really expensive.

Even without mental illness, it is hard to have a newborn and be home by yourself. Can I suggest a new mom's group at a hospital? Just to be able to vent with other moms. Also, if you can afford it, a gym membership with babysitting might give you some respite. Any time you can get for yourself to help you decompress would be beneficial. Any good things you can do for yourself would be good. I used to take a bath with my baby on the bathmat next to the tub. Or in his bouncy chair. I would use lavender oil to help relax. I don't know if any of that will help, but you are doing a hard job with NO breaks. Your husband gets breaks at work, you don't. You will make it through this.
 

HealingMama

MyPTSD Pro
Hello,
I am really, really hurting right now, I feel so alone, and have no one to reach out to in this moment. I guess I am needing validation or compassion.
I am 9 weeks postpartum from having the sweetest little boy, and as if that isn't hard on it's own; I have debilitating ptsd. I do not have postpartum depression, I've been to all my appointments and been honest with everyone, fyi. But I am still off all meds to nurse, but am cutting back to eventually be done in 2 weeks, as much as it hurts my heart, it's time. Time to simplify things and also get back on psych meds.
Anyhow, last night my husband told me he was going to get 100% custody of the baby due to my PTSD, if I left him. I had gone into a trigger as he had started to get a harsh and loud tone with me... 230am, baby in my arms, and I was expressing (quietly), how I cannot handle him being mean to me in moments of frustration.
Ps. My mind really struggles to explain things properly; the right words escape me most of the time, but I will try my best.
Anyhow, it turned into him leaving on foot out the front door, slamming it. But before he left, he managed to yell at me, put me down in horrible ways, and as you know, threatened to take my newborn from me. And I was in a trigger during this. He really hurt my heart so bad, and I had to work very hard to come "out of the dark". I then had the baby by myself the rest of the night, and all day today, minus 3 hrs my mom came over to hold him while I pumped and talked with her.
He is back now and honestly I'm scared to see him, hear him, speak with him. There's no apology, everything is ignored. If I say anything to him about how I feel he will cut me off and say, "what about me?". Which, yes he does matter... it's just, well, I'm in an extremely vulnerable state, and at very high risk for postpartum depression, and triggers.
We have a therapist that we were going to together right before baby came, and I scheduled him for tomorrow.
If I would have known he was capable of verbally/psychologically/emotionally abusing me, especially in my state, and even more IN triggers... I wouldn't be here. But here I am.
Any words of strength or encouragement i would greatly appreciate... beyond measure.
I need to be ok for this precious, innocent little human. I'm doing my best, but to him, I'm just "pumping milk" and that's all. My heart, it hurts so badly.
Much love to any reader xoxo
I am so sorry. My husband does the same thing at times. Then expects me to act like nothing happened. I do not have much wisdom except to say I understand how you feel. My relationship was very strained until my child was sleeping through the night. And that's with a pretty hands-on father helping with overnights.

It is a really hard time in a relationship to take care of a newborn without adding in PTSD. It sounds like you are doing the right things to address your recovery. Unfortunately it's just Really. Hard. When the babies are so little. If you can afford a night nurse or night doula to help you get more sleep please do it! Hugs.
 

KimmyO

Learning
You have to keep yourself and your baby safe, first and foremost. If you feel afraid around him, can you go to be with your Mom? Counseling is important so keep up with that, and it will be your proof and guard against him if he tries to legally take baby. Do you have other Moms you can get with to have a social time and break from being alone with baby so much? That is always helpful too. Rest when the baby rests, the work can wait till you have energy and focus for it. =)
 
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