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Other SRA (Satanic Ritual Abuse) abuse?

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@lostforgottensoul

I admire how open and courageous you are in your recovery. It is something to be greatly treasured.

I relate to how being sexual with animals can affect a person. I found that it is incredibly shaming, especially because of how the body responds (for my co-abused partners this was a multi-orgasmic response, for me it was being aroused by eroticism of their response and the situation as a whole). This lead me to think that it was "good" and "I liked it." Now I see that differently, but at that time it was just an "amazing" "pleasurable" experience. It was similar for the women who were taking the dog in them, the way their body responded was so powerful they felt they were "made for it" and with a person adding to that by telling them they were it was a very powerful experince in shaping our sexuality. It takes a long time for that to fade away. But it can still be triggered and that triggers the shame like I was doing it all again, even though I am not.

with admiration

RecoveryGuy
 
@lostforgottensoul

I admire how open and courageous you are in your recovery. It is something to be greatly treasured.

I relate to how being sexual with animals can affect a person. I found that it is incredibly shaming, especially because of how the body responds (for my co-abused partners this was a multi-orgasmic response, for me it was being aroused by eroticism of their response and the situation as a whole). This lead me to think that it was "good" and "I liked it." Now I see that differently, but at that time it was just an "amazing" "pleasurable" experience. It was similar for the women who were taking the dog in them, the way their body responded was so powerful they felt they were "made for it" and with a person adding to that by telling them they were it was a very powerful experince in shaping our sexuality. It takes a long time for that to fade away. But it can still be triggered and that triggers the shame like I was doing it all again, even though I am not.

with admiration

RecoveryGuy

It was so confusing for me. Having sex with animals was a ritual. One of which I brought into adulthood. I had those inside feelings that it was wrong and punished myself for doing so but I had all of those cult feelings and thoughts that I had to and couldn't see that nothing bad would happen anymore if I didn't do it all because "god" was the one that "demanded" it (per the cult thoughts and beliefs) but it still felt wrong and I was still punishing myself for it. It actually was made a bit worse when I made those on here aware because there was way more shaming comments then helpful, how to actually stop, comments. I wanted to stop but many couldn't see that. But, one commenter helped me to stop.

It was hard ans confusing but after working really hard, activitly applying the suggestions of the one commenter, I was able to stop. But it was the hardest ritual to stop. I now don't struggle with thoughts of needing to do it anymore but for a long while I struggled with thoughts about it.

Ritual abuse is hard to overcome! Not impossible but uniquely hard.
 
It was so confusing for me. Having sex with animals was a ritual. One of which I brought into adulthood. I had those inside feelings that it was wrong and punished myself for doing so but I had all of those cult feelings and thoughts that I had to and couldn't see that nothing bad would happen anymore if I didn't do it all because "god" was the one that "demanded" it (per the cult thoughts and beliefs) but it still felt wrong and I was still punishing myself for it. It actually was made a bit worse when I made those on here aware because there was way more shaming comments then helpful, how to actually stop, comments. I wanted to stop but many couldn't see that. But, one commenter helped me to stop.

It was hard ans confusing but after working really hard, activitly applying the suggestions of the one commenter, I was able to stop. But it was the hardest ritual to stop. I now don't struggle with thoughts of needing to do it anymore but for a long while I struggled with thoughts about it.

Ritual abuse is hard to overcome! Not impossible but uniquely hard.

It certainly is. I don't have active thoughts of wanting to do it anymore. But when I am around someone who is showing the signs they engage in that behavior it is very difficult to not get drawn back into wanting to be part of that again. I can relate to the "pride" you talk about when you 'did it right." It is so normal, and yet so detrimental. Driving people to return to things that they actually hate doing. I am really amazed about how quickly you have been able to turn it around with help. So glad you are not struggling all alone with it. Your story of ongoing recovery is an inspiration.
 
@lostforgottensoul How have you been doing with the urges lately? Do you still get triggered by seeing certain things? I saw a woman with a male dog that was not neutered who was "nosing" her and it was very triggering.
 
Thanks for the feedback @Ronin.

I guess I would just add it is just good to meet someone who has had similar experiences as me, and is honest about how harmful they were and not wanting to idealize/ minimize or otherwise not deal with it and grow.

Also, that I am glad that when I say "triggered" it is a much less intense feeling than before. In the past I would have felt an intense internal shame and been shaking and upset for at least a day. Now it is more along the lines of wanting to just be done with the unwanted thoughts, but feeling that frustration that they may never be gone completely, even if they don't have the intensity they once did.
 
@lostforgottensoul How have you been doing with the urges lately? Do you still get triggered by seeing certain things? I saw a woman with a male dog that was not neutered who was "nosing" her and it was very triggering.

I'll answer it this way. That same dog is my service dog now. I threw everything into training him. My entire being. Now that he is trained, I am so focused on keeping him as on point aa possible. I don't have the mindspace for those thoughts. One of the reasons my therapist was so cheering me on with training him. I had thrown my entire self into it that it was helping the cult thinking and not really having those thoughts. I have a service dog for actual real needed reasons but this is one of those unique things about having and training a service dog has helped me with.

If I hear of someone doing that with a dog, its a trigger. Found someone on a reaction channel so had to stop watching. I didn't think I needed to do it but it was bringing up some cult thinking so I turned it off. Like, I didn't have an urge to do it and haven't had those urges in years but it was bringing up some cult thoughts and I caught that thinking it wouldn't lead to good places.

I do have other sexual urges that I still struggle with. Rape porn, painful, abusive sex, things like that but not this. And not this for years.

That's about the most I'm willing to answer about that. There's a lot of shame and in fear of punishment, I don't really go further into talking about it.
 
I'll answer it this way. That same dog is my service dog now. I threw everything into training him. My entire being. Now that he is trained, I am so focused on keeping him as on point aa possible. I don't have the mindspace for those thoughts. One of the reasons my therapist was so cheering me on with training him. I had thrown my entire self into it that it was helping the cult thinking and not really having those thoughts. I have a service dog for actual real needed reasons but this is one of those unique things about having and training a service dog has helped me with.

If I hear of someone doing that with a dog, its a trigger. Found someone on a reaction channel so had to stop watching. I didn't think I needed to do it but it was bringing up some cult thinking so I turned it off. Like, I didn't have an urge to do it and haven't had those urges in years but it was bringing up some cult thoughts and I caught that thinking it wouldn't lead to good places.

I do have other sexual urges that I still struggle with. Rape porn, painful, abusive sex, things like that but not this. And not this for years.

That's about the most I'm willing to answer about that. There's a lot of shame and in fear of punishment, I don't really go further into talking about it.


@lostforgottensoul I really appreciate that. Sometimes when I read a post on here I get this sense of familiarity. I definitely related to what you said here. I am glad to say that I don't struggle with rape porn, wanting abusive sex, or pain anymore. And even this particular urge is not present on any regular basis. I just hate when some random, normal, happy thing sets my mind spinning. I have accepted that this effect will be there at least for now, and I don't feel the need to act on it like before (either with acting out or self punishment). It is nice to know I am not the only one.

I like how you took an unhealthy obsession with him and used that to fuel healthy goals. I try to do that a lot with my feelings. For example, this weekend I was feeling overwhelmed with buying a house. So I took that anxiety and fear of failure and turned it into making sure my apartment is nice and clean. It felt so good to go to the kitchen this morning and have it nice and clean. I like to take the time to say 'Thank you me. I deserve a clean space to live. And I appreciate giving that to myself."

Starting to ramble so I will end there. Thanks again @LFS
 
I was starved and had to steal food to survive. I ate dry dog food, finger nails, boogers, notebook and toilet paper to help with hunger.
 
I was starved and had to steal food to survive. I ate dry dog food, finger nails, boogers, notebook and toilet paper to help with hunger.

Me too. I quickly found out the wet dog & cat food was easier to steal and easier to eat. Not to mention that I was forced to eat it anyway.

I would dumpster drive for food. Lots of food get thrown out. Even clean, unopened, packaged food gets thrown away. A lot of zero wasters and environmental channels on YouTube have dumpster dived for food. I was doing it before it was "trendy" or whatever. I was doing it because I was starving. Not for internet views or to "save the planet". Which is a great cause. It just isn't why I was doing it. I'd also eat food that wasn't finished. Basically, when you are starving, you'll eat anything.
 
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