Starting a Family

I've intentionally avoided starting a family. No spouse, no kids. I've dated seriously a few times but it always ended poorly. I'm afraid of repeating the mistakes of my parents and I don't think I could live with myself if I did.

Anyone else here feel the same?
 
I was definitely afraid of parenting in the style my parents did.

I made it my mission with my children to think through what were the issues and worked hard to avoid them.

But I reckon I still made lots of mistakes and I know that to the most part my children understand that I didn't do anything deliberately, nothing that communication could not resolve and a lot of forgiveness too. So despite my mistakes we all live on and with them.

I suppose my children are thinking the exact same thing now and to a certain degree I hope they are because I don't want them to make the same mistakes I made and I want them to do things the way they want to do it.

I understand what you mean I think @BentNotBroken - but I didn't engage in the level of avoidance that you did. I did however make lots of decisions about how many children I would have and what I would and wouldn't put up with in respect to partners. So I took a very different journey from my parents.
 
I was definitely afraid of parenting in the style my parents did.

I made it my mission with my children to think through what were the issues and worked hard to avoid them.

But I reckon I still made lots of mistakes and I know that to the most part my children understand that I didn't do anything deliberately, nothing that communication could not resolve and a lot of forgiveness too. So despite my mistakes we all live on and with them.

I suppose my children are thinking the exact same thing now and to a certain degree I hope they are because I don't want them to make the same mistakes I made and I want them to do things the way they want to do it.

I understand what you mean I think @BentNotBroken - but I didn't engage in the level of avoidance that you did. I did however make lots of decisions about how many children I would have and what I would and wouldn't put up with in respect to partners. So I took a very different journey from my parents.
Thank you for sharing! I'm young enough that I could still have a family of my own and I'd like to think that if I chose a good partner I could avoid the pitfalls of my parents. But before any of that is a possibility I need to work on aspects of myself and my life to ensure a strong starting point. Thank you for showing the positive side 😊
 

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i didn't choose to have my child but she is the one thing from my past i don't regret. the way it happened, yes. her? absolutely not. i was not always successful breaking the cycle. but she is healthy and happy. she has a future. we have a good relationship. that is worth everything to me.

but you are right. having a kid will test you and push you in ways you can't anticipate. i was real young when i had her and i was almost a child myself. i had to grow up quick. i was selfish and destructive at times. and that stuff lives with you when you do grow out of it.

you can't take back the shit you've done. so get right first.
 
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Mee

MyPTSD Pro
I’m infertile. But in my twenties I was offered fertility treatment and I refused it. I have physical health problems I would not want to risk a child having . And - yeah - I don’t want to repeat the cycle. I would at the same time have LOVED to have my husband’s children and think he would have been a good father. I think it ‘takes a village’ - I wasn’t confident I had the village in extended family.

I am a good friend to friends’ children. Most notably my friend who helps with our animals has two children that DH and I consider our god children. My friend said once she wishes we’d met years ago so I could have shared their toddler years too but I love them at this age. I feel I’m best suited to the role of aunt type friend - I can extend my stress cup to stay present and regulated for that long - then collapse .

having them in our life also inspires me .
 

Movingforward10

MyPTSD Pro
I wanted children. But: options were limited as I'm gay. The options available to us, felt too selfish to do (i.e. the only option left was sperm donor from a clinic, and whilst I don't judge anyone else for making that choice, I wanted a child to have the option of knowing whose DNA they shared).
And then it turned out I have a genetic disorder that has a 50% chance of being passed on. And whilst it doesn't effect me badly, it's impacted a number of my family badly. So I wouldn't want to pass that on to a child.

So really the decisions were not so much around trauma and my family.

I don't regret not having children.
If anything, I think it was absolutely the right decision.

I have nephews and nieces who I adore and that is enough.
 

Nevermore

MyPTSD Pro
I really wanted to have children, but I wanted to have them with love. My ability to get into horrible relationships put an end to that fantasy! I guess I wanted a family. I always knew I couldn’t do it on my own. It’s sad, I know...
 
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