Sufferer Starting EMDR for long history of abuse

[Katrina002]

Hi, I just joined. I have experiences of childhood sexual abuse followed by a physically abusive marriage. From the frying pan into the fire. I am 61. I am in therapy 1 to 3 times a week and have been doing so over 1 year - I ve done therapy before too of course. I ve grown so much and I still feel so broken. I have a diagnosis of depression with cPTSD. I ve just completed a consult with a EMDR therapist - assessments, etc in progress. I look forward to the EMDR. I m committed to this healing process until I feel peace…..or longer. I think my overwhelming feelings are focused on isolation. If I tend to be a bit closed because my story can overwhelm others - it is a lot. So I practice good boundaries, but few really know me. I mingle in a group when needed - attend events but I feel alone. Anxiety is pretty intense right now - the more I work on my stuff, the suppressed emotions come bubbling up. The EMDR therapist stated when we do sessions that when I get close to a 7 in anxiety during a session, that’s our mark to slow down and process where we are. Hmmm, guess that means my EMDR won’t give much relief - I m living at a 7 to 12 in a 1 to 10 anxiety scale now. I am doing the work, I m even proud of my work. However, I have this overwhelming desire to vomit out my emotions but I haven’t figured out how to do that yet - my therapist states it wouldn’t help anyway - I still have to deal with the issues. So, here I am, “in it to win it” - my personal mantra. I journal a good bit - it’s pretty raw stuff. I ve decided there is no magic cure - it’s just taking tiny steps everyday in the right direction. I think I back step sometimes so that hurts progress too. I have used food as a comfort - hence I have an ED too but that’s down to a dull roar. My relationship with food is a symptom of the problem. I have a nutritionist too.

So, here I am - broken, anxious, and looking for the light. I know it has to be close.
‘

 

[arfie]

hello katrina. welcome to the forum.

personally, i believe the rumors that there is no cure for the common me. just when i fix one broken part, another part breaks. sigh. . . managing the symptoms is the best i can hope for. and that is plenty when i let it be. a few broken parts doesn't have to disqualify me from the good stuff in life.

 

[Sideways]

Welcome to the forum! Fwiw, tiny steps each day is more than enough, even when they aren't always in the 'right' direction:)

 

[AngelKeeperJ]

Welcome to the site! There is a lot of information in articles, and many good, compassionate and understanding members here. I hope you will get the support you need. (I’m 65 and still a work in progress)

Blessings of peace sent to you and yours!
AKJ

 

[Sundanceisbeautiful]

Hi Katrina, I'm 58, new to the site as well, I am a very recently diagnosed sufferer of CPTSD and have had two EMDR sessions now, .
Thanks for sharing your story, I can relate to some of what you experience. Isolated but able to get by if I have to.
I have read and am reading again, Pete Walker's book on CPTSD. Its helping me. I also journal and scream and cry at the abusers as I do so.
I have recently joined a CODA group, only one meeting thus far so I couldn't really say if its going to be for me but it was, surprisingly, life affirming for me, seeing what a safe place it was for people to be so vulnerable and share their experiences and stories.
Some say we don't necessarily heal from CPTSD but we can turn the intensity down.
Good luck with your EMDR sessions. I can see a slight difference in my overall every day outlook on life so I will keep going with them.
For now, best of luck and again, thanks for sharing.