Starting Over...like With Everyone

[jennygt]

I can't believe this. I was diagnosed two years ago. In recovery, I learned that I have had C-PTSD for at least 30 years if not my whole life. My Mom is a narcissist who totally groomed me for controllers and abusers. I had a full blown PTSD episode from m ex fiancee who gaslight me, was mentally devastating, isolated and kept food from me.

That got my therapists to start peeling the onion again so to speak. My Mom groomed me, my alcoholic and drug addict father enabled, I was molested by family friends, attacked and sexually assulted by some classmates at 12, went through 4 emotinally abusive and controlling relationships from 19-41. Was in a car accident at 15 that I had to have 9 surgeries.

My so called best friend has isolated people from me. Best friend since 12. She decided she believed my abusers. I got stronger, started driving again (I have had MS for 19 years), looking for work etc. She has been undercutting any progress and last weekend started some weird triangulation thing with mutual friends about our 25th reunion. I am so pissed. She has her own issues but what a bitch.

So has anyone had similar experiences and what did they do to deal with it. I am at a loss. All the people I thought I could trust, Mom, Best Friend, Fiances, Husbands etc were exactly the ones NOT to trust. What to do? I'm lonely but can't go back to these people so they have someone to control.

 

[Friday]

I've changed everyone, many times, & Ive cut off certain people... Both forever or for periods of time, from time to time.

For me, it's easy to full stop on my previous life & start fresh. I've done it I don't even know how many times. About half the time, though, I pick one or two people from that previous life to remain in contact with. People who are worth the difficulty in doing so. That's much harder for me than simply starting fresh. What's the absolute hardest for me, however, is to bring people along from one life to the next. To keep them in my new life, as they were in my old life. I'm not good at that, it's insanely complicated for me, and 3 or 4 years into doing that for the first time I'm still having difficulties with the logistics.

If starting over isn't something you've done before? Don't expect it to be perfect. Anything that's new takes time to figure out how to do in a way that ...feels right. That accomplishes both what you want to accomplish, in the way you want to do it.

That 'feeling right', btw.? The inverse isn't true. New things often feel wrong, even when they're good/better/best... Just because they're new. Like leaving an abusive ex often feels wrong on a lot of levels. Doesn't mean it is wrong, just because it feels wrong. They're both feelings, both amalgamations of many different things. Figuring out those pieces helps.