Starting over

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I've asked myself that a lot. A ton. No family, no friends, no one. I've been single for like 20 yrs since my abusive ex. Why go on alone? Humans aren't meant to be alone. But I kept plugging along in therapy, taking my psych meds, plugging along alone, almost just existing but making progress a little at a time until, I wasn't alone anymore. Not romantically but more friendly type of relationships. And it just happened. Out of no where. Well, not out of no where. I reached out for help with the relgious crap my trauma left behind but I fully expected that if the person didn't leave like everyone else, it would never go past emails. But I NEVER expected to make friends out of it. Real true friends. Not just the person I reached out to but several others. Actual, real, true, friends. So unexpected. So, my advise is to not allow that "why exist if I'm just going to be alone forever" thought to take up much space. Or, give it space but challenge it. How do you know you will be alone forever? How do you know you won't come across an unexpected friendship or more at the least expected time when you need it the most? That's what my therapist kept telling me. That and that I won't meet people without trying to get out of my own isolation. And that's what I did, sort of. And it worked. I met someone who is introducing me to some other awesome someone's and two of which are wanting us 3 to get together for a girls day. Like, even 6 months ago I would of said that was impossible! And today? Well, still think I'm too chicken shit for that but, people actually want to hang with me. Like, that was what I was saying was impossible!

Hang in there and know that this feeling of being alone is valid and you should give that feeling space. But the thoughts that come with that (for me, I will always be alone and those self loathing thoughts) should be challenged. But, I totally get the feeling and can SOOOOOOOO relate! 🫂
The first sentence is my life now. I hope to be where you are. But yes I also have no family an abusive ex of about 20 years ago we were off on forever. I do stay in my isolation. I do also live in a town where it's hard to meet ppl but you are challenging me to maybe try. I didn't follow how you met your friends though. an online group? Good on you for getting over your religious trauma. I have conflicting feelings about religion, and am asked by Christians in my town to come to church but never do they come to my apt despite my asking and saying hey I think my apt is not up to code and they say oh sorry you can't change that. I guess I want ppl to help me out? I guess I also believe in helping others if i were stronger. I performed a kayak water rescue when not trained to in a large bay in Hawaii. I would help someone out in a bind if I could. Why because people shouldn't suffer alone and we are in this (life/the world) together. Kindness matters. I just don't get ppl where I live. It's climate cold and cold. And this is type of place everyone is married at my age and or maybe even a grandmother? I so do want to make true friends. I moved alot in my adult life moved back to my hometown at 40. Big mistake. I get judged and asked, Don't you have friends? It's cruel. And also don't you have family? No I don't. Have told people I have a Dysf family here and they excommunicated me blamed me for everything. So yeah it's hard to have pride. I like yours though. No family now. It's amazing what you did and your positivity after 2 decades on your own. I'm in the self loathing phase I guess. Thank you for your positivity empathy in your post and sharing your story of progress.


I didn't follow how you met your friends though. an online group?
I found a local church where there was an email for the head pastor and sent an email. Wanting help to untangle this relgious mess in my head. And he mentioned, maybe 3 or 4 weeks in meeting him in his office weekly. And so, I pushed myself past the fear to do that. And so we no meet weekly on Weds and then we still email almost everyday. It's super helpful and pairs with therapy really well. The rest was him inviting me to the churches family and prayer request type of closed Facebook group where I've been honest about growing up in a cult. There were a few members that asked to be Facebook friends. Before that, I mentioned to the pastor about starting a trauma Bible study cause I was actually looking for that before I even decided to email him directly and so he posted in that Facebook group before I was a member there to see if there was interest and there was. And the lady that was most interested he asked if I would meet with her in one of our meetings and we hit it off. So it's like our baby now. Trying to figure out how best to start this trauma Bible study. And so her and I are friends now. And then another lady from the churches Facebook page made friends with me and so the lady that was interested in the trauma Bible study said to the other one that the 3 of us need a girls day out. That is so scary for me. But, yeah. Goals I guess.

Going to a church with people in it is way too scary at this point. I can't even get myself to go while church is in session and just stay in my car and watch online. Fear is still that high. But the pastor is slowly helping me meet people. One day he walked me to the back of the office where his wife's office is and one of the associate pastors were in there and so I met him that way. And I took a micro step toward meeting christian women (cause women terrify me more then men) by inviting his wife to sit in on last week's meetings cause I had seen her a few times in the office (it's a house that uses to be used as the parsonage and is just used for offices now) and I knew that I could force past that fear as I've seen her a few times. And so, small tiny micro steps that all add up. Early in he walked me through the empty church. And so, exposure therapy is basically half of what we are doing.

If you struggle to do something like go to a church sermon or meet someone or go somewhere where you will meet people, try to find a micro step in that direction that you can push yourself to do and then push yourself to do it. Then see if you can get yourself to that thing you couldn't do originally. No? Ok, what's the next micro step in that direction? And keep going until you finally can do the thing you couldn't do to begin with. Hope that made sense. And sorry if this was confusing. It's a flood situation that is always moving and is super hard as I'm facing the core of my trauma head on. Hopefully this made some sense.
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