The first sentence is my life now. I hope to be where you are. But yes I also have no family an abusive ex of about 20 years ago we were off on forever. I do stay in my isolation. I do also live in a town where it's hard to meet ppl but you are challenging me to maybe try. I didn't follow how you met your friends though. an online group? Good on you for getting over your religious trauma. I have conflicting feelings about religion, and am asked by Christians in my town to come to church but never do they come to my apt despite my asking and saying hey I think my apt is not up to code and they say oh sorry you can't change that. I guess I want ppl to help me out? I guess I also believe in helping others if i were stronger. I performed a kayak water rescue when not trained to in a large bay in Hawaii. I would help someone out in a bind if I could. Why because people shouldn't suffer alone and we are in this (life/the world) together. Kindness matters. I just don't get ppl where I live. It's climate cold and cold. And this is type of place everyone is married at my age and or maybe even a grandmother? I so do want to make true friends. I moved alot in my adult life moved back to my hometown at 40. Big mistake. I get judged and asked, Don't you have friends? It's cruel. And also don't you have family? No I don't. Have told people I have a Dysf family here and they excommunicated me blamed me for everything. So yeah it's hard to have pride. I like yours though. No family now. It's amazing what you did and your positivity after 2 decades on your own. I'm in the self loathing phase I guess. Thank you for your positivity empathy in your post and sharing your story of progress.I've asked myself that a lot. A ton. No family, no friends, no one. I've been single for like 20 yrs since my abusive ex. Why go on alone? Humans aren't meant to be alone. But I kept plugging along in therapy, taking my psych meds, plugging along alone, almost just existing but making progress a little at a time until, I wasn't alone anymore. Not romantically but more friendly type of relationships. And it just happened. Out of no where. Well, not out of no where. I reached out for help with the relgious crap my trauma left behind but I fully expected that if the person didn't leave like everyone else, it would never go past emails. But I NEVER expected to make friends out of it. Real true friends. Not just the person I reached out to but several others. Actual, real, true, friends. So unexpected. So, my advise is to not allow that "why exist if I'm just going to be alone forever" thought to take up much space. Or, give it space but challenge it. How do you know you will be alone forever? How do you know you won't come across an unexpected friendship or more at the least expected time when you need it the most? That's what my therapist kept telling me. That and that I won't meet people without trying to get out of my own isolation. And that's what I did, sort of. And it worked. I met someone who is introducing me to some other awesome someone's and two of which are wanting us 3 to get together for a girls day. Like, even 6 months ago I would of said that was impossible! And today? Well, still think I'm too chicken shit for that but, people actually want to hang with me. Like, that was what I was saying was impossible!
Hang in there and know that this feeling of being alone is valid and you should give that feeling space. But the thoughts that come with that (for me, I will always be alone and those self loathing thoughts) should be challenged. But, I totally get the feeling and can SOOOOOOOO relate!