GreySouled
Learning
I've noticed a few incidents over the last year or two or five where I've been triggered when a CSA-related something unexpectedly is said or comes up. I have felt during these times that my brain is gently being split in two, or the front half of my body is sliding off or something like that. This past June, I was very anxious on my drive to my T session bc I was going to tell her about some very specific body memories/triggers/nightmares, etc. that had come up during the week, and I always feel like she's going to hate me or I'm going to be in big trouble when I tell her these things. Anyway, started what I assumed was dissociating, like feeling like I was going to pass out or I was slowly passing out but staying awake, as I got nearer to her office. At one point, I'm at a red light getting ready to turn and I start drifting into the intersection bc I can't feel my foot on the brake. This feeling continued all the way into her office and even after the appointment; I had to keep handling this pretty rose quartz I now call my grounding stone in order to not crash. Whenever I put it down, my mind would recognize the physical pain I was in/thoughts I was having and I would start to drift, vision blurred, etc.
Recently, like two months ago, I had what I call a breakthrough in therapy during IFS: worked with a part that was fearful of all men. Long story short, I literally had a complete change in mindset over the next few days and could even foresee one day finding a partner, marriage, baby, etc. It was amazing! (I mention this breakthrough bc since then, something has definitely seemed to have broken through the mind, or we've entered the next level of hell). So, I started watching romantic comedies, even the reality series "Married At First Sight" just for the fun of it. I would start to imagine myself in different domestic scenarios: hubby coming home from work, going on vacation, having an argument and then making up, etc. But THEN something started consistently happening. Every single time I would imagine one of these innocent scenes, right when this imaginary husband turns around, he turns into an abuser. (Now, I don't know for sure who or how many abusers I had. The list is long as there is a lot of generational abuse/incest/trauma in my bio situation. But the #1 suspect, who has admitted to molesting one of my younger cousins - this is who keeps popping up in these imaginary scenes.) Anyway, so his face is just everywhere now. I since stopped watching anything like that, gave up on a normal future for now, whatever.
I recently doubled up on therapy bc too much was coming up for me to wait a whole week to work through. So thankful that my and T's schedule allow for that! Which brings me to my post today: I have now been dissociating (or whatever this is) on a regular basis, even during session. For instance, a few weeks ago, T asked about my neck pain that always seems to start in session. She asked if the pain could say something, what would it say. I started to tell her: something like "Believe. Believe it was that bad." And then I saw this particular abuser holding the back of my neck and instantly started to dissociate: when it first started happening a few times, it felt like I had just reached the top floor in an elevator - that whoosh feeling - and then started to go back down. In her office, I would kind of faint but stay awake, my arms and legs suddenly got heavy, speech got slurred, thoughts scrambled, etc. That happened a few times. Now, the past few times I seem to just slide right into it, no more elevator. I just feel a downshift in my brain, and like I'm moving through space and find myself in a quiet room, and then I try to talk but can't. At first, I thought okay, this is progress; my subconscious is more trusting of T (finally after 6+ years!) and maybe the breakthrough has narrowed down potential dangers to just this one person.
As it's been happening more and more, and now outside of session - like for instance, last Friday I was driving and suddenly his old work van popped into my head and how I spent time in it, though can't for the life of me remember why as there was absolutely no reason for me to be in there, I felt the downshift and the sinking feeling. Fortunately, I was able to ground myself, but it happened again a few hours later when I was having lunch with my aunt and just telling her about this same incident that morning - I'm wondering if I'm maybe losing my mind or if I'm sliding down the dissociative disorder spectrum closer to DID, I don't know. (Already have cPTSD and dissociative amnesia dx). One thing that is causing this worry is last Sunday I was out somewhere and this triggering person I know was close to me talking, saying words I don't like (that would never trigger anyone else) and I could feel myself start to go, BUT I also felt a pressure in my eyeballs like they were being squeezed and then my vision briefly changed. That right there scares me bc it makes me think of alters and stuff, like how some have different biometrics, etc. Also, I'm remembering that I used to do this as a child/young person but don't remember what led up to it. When it happens now, I feel like "Hello, darkness, my old friend", if that makes sense. Like a childhood friend or toy you see in a photo album but forgot you had but remember how much you loved.
I'm seeking some clarity or maybe shared experiences of similar happening, especially after a long period. Like, why now? Is this progress moving forward, or am I moving backward? I asked T how she felt about it. She carefully said that she's curious about it, that's it's important to be curious bc some part is needing attention, but she's concerned about my safety/driving, etc. So far, I'm able to snap myself out of it when I'm not in her office.
Also, does anyone experience this in their dreams? I've had a few nightmares lately, including last night, where my dream self dissociated.
Recently, like two months ago, I had what I call a breakthrough in therapy during IFS: worked with a part that was fearful of all men. Long story short, I literally had a complete change in mindset over the next few days and could even foresee one day finding a partner, marriage, baby, etc. It was amazing! (I mention this breakthrough bc since then, something has definitely seemed to have broken through the mind, or we've entered the next level of hell). So, I started watching romantic comedies, even the reality series "Married At First Sight" just for the fun of it. I would start to imagine myself in different domestic scenarios: hubby coming home from work, going on vacation, having an argument and then making up, etc. But THEN something started consistently happening. Every single time I would imagine one of these innocent scenes, right when this imaginary husband turns around, he turns into an abuser. (Now, I don't know for sure who or how many abusers I had. The list is long as there is a lot of generational abuse/incest/trauma in my bio situation. But the #1 suspect, who has admitted to molesting one of my younger cousins - this is who keeps popping up in these imaginary scenes.) Anyway, so his face is just everywhere now. I since stopped watching anything like that, gave up on a normal future for now, whatever.
I recently doubled up on therapy bc too much was coming up for me to wait a whole week to work through. So thankful that my and T's schedule allow for that! Which brings me to my post today: I have now been dissociating (or whatever this is) on a regular basis, even during session. For instance, a few weeks ago, T asked about my neck pain that always seems to start in session. She asked if the pain could say something, what would it say. I started to tell her: something like "Believe. Believe it was that bad." And then I saw this particular abuser holding the back of my neck and instantly started to dissociate: when it first started happening a few times, it felt like I had just reached the top floor in an elevator - that whoosh feeling - and then started to go back down. In her office, I would kind of faint but stay awake, my arms and legs suddenly got heavy, speech got slurred, thoughts scrambled, etc. That happened a few times. Now, the past few times I seem to just slide right into it, no more elevator. I just feel a downshift in my brain, and like I'm moving through space and find myself in a quiet room, and then I try to talk but can't. At first, I thought okay, this is progress; my subconscious is more trusting of T (finally after 6+ years!) and maybe the breakthrough has narrowed down potential dangers to just this one person.
As it's been happening more and more, and now outside of session - like for instance, last Friday I was driving and suddenly his old work van popped into my head and how I spent time in it, though can't for the life of me remember why as there was absolutely no reason for me to be in there, I felt the downshift and the sinking feeling. Fortunately, I was able to ground myself, but it happened again a few hours later when I was having lunch with my aunt and just telling her about this same incident that morning - I'm wondering if I'm maybe losing my mind or if I'm sliding down the dissociative disorder spectrum closer to DID, I don't know. (Already have cPTSD and dissociative amnesia dx). One thing that is causing this worry is last Sunday I was out somewhere and this triggering person I know was close to me talking, saying words I don't like (that would never trigger anyone else) and I could feel myself start to go, BUT I also felt a pressure in my eyeballs like they were being squeezed and then my vision briefly changed. That right there scares me bc it makes me think of alters and stuff, like how some have different biometrics, etc. Also, I'm remembering that I used to do this as a child/young person but don't remember what led up to it. When it happens now, I feel like "Hello, darkness, my old friend", if that makes sense. Like a childhood friend or toy you see in a photo album but forgot you had but remember how much you loved.
I'm seeking some clarity or maybe shared experiences of similar happening, especially after a long period. Like, why now? Is this progress moving forward, or am I moving backward? I asked T how she felt about it. She carefully said that she's curious about it, that's it's important to be curious bc some part is needing attention, but she's concerned about my safety/driving, etc. So far, I'm able to snap myself out of it when I'm not in her office.
Also, does anyone experience this in their dreams? I've had a few nightmares lately, including last night, where my dream self dissociated.
