Starting to talk...

Waterbear

Confident
I have been in therapy for five years now but only recently started to really think about starting work around the 'root' of things, as I see it. Not even sure I can write about it, let alone talk about it in session though. It seems like an impossible task. My counsellor does know what happened as I wrote it in a letter to her right at the beginning, but since then it has been the proverbial elephant in the room as we have worked through a lot of other issues. This is the last piece of the jigsaw, I think. I just don't know how to work through it. We keep saying to trust the process. That seems to be the answer, but it is hard. I can't verbalise what happened. I write a lot in my sessions. I don't talk much anyway, but I can't write about it either. I can't even think too much about what happened. Sometimes I wonder if I am ever meant to escape what happened... For now I guess I continue to go. To continue to try. Despite the horrific feelings it leaves me with after session. Despite the fact that I cannot see a way forwards. Despite the fact that I have no idea how I am supposed to process the incomprehensible. I'm new here, I think I am hoping I can find something, though I am not sure what yet! Hello all.
 

Waterbear

Confident
Hello Survivor3. Thank you. Yes. It is terrifying. I guess I should give myself some credit for allowing her to know at least, but that was five years ago, and I was very closed off at the time. It was very matter of fact, if that makes sense. Only now (this last year) are we starting to really look at the feelings behind it all but it is very slow going. It does desperately feel like it is time to talk about it all. I said in session last week that it feels like it is time to bring this part of me home, but I am so so lost as to how to do that. Time. Time and trust I guess. Thank you.
 

ladee

MyPTSD Pro
Welcome to the forum @Waterbear. Love your screen name. Thank you for letting us know why you are here. Takes courage to reach out to a bunch of people you don't know yet.

Have you asked your Therapist the best way to move forward? And you are right, healing work is very slow and tedious sometimes. But you being with the same T for five years helps. They know you and how much you can do and when it's time to slow down.

Would it help or overwhelm you to read the letter again that you wrote to him/her when you first started? It might give you a starting point.

If not, it is ok to not push ahead with the whole story. One of the main things about being in therapy is to remain safe.

Hope you talk with your T and see if there is a starting point that is safe and something you can deal with.

Glad you are here, not glad for the reasons, hope you find the people here as friendly and helpful as I have. Give yourself time. This is a hard journey.
 

Freddyt

MyPTSD Pro
Yes @Waterbear it is terrifying. I just got there with my T a couple weeks ago. It was horrible, painful, and terrifying, and if I said I wasn't a frightened little kid in a hospital bed with patches on both eyes again for most of the next couple sessions and weeks I would be lying.
If that stuff is there deal with it - somehow your head knows when its time to deal with those memories.
 

Waterbear

Confident
Welcome to the forum @Waterbear. Love your screen name. Thank you for letting us know why you are here. Takes courage to reach out to a bunch of people you don't know yet.

Have you asked your Therapist the best way to move forward? And you are right, healing work is very slow and tedious sometimes. But you being with the same T for five years helps. They know you and how much you can do and when it's time to slow down.

Would it help or overwhelm you to read the letter again that you wrote to him/her when you first started? It might give you a starting point.

If not, it is ok to not push ahead with the whole story. One of the main things about being in therapy is to remain safe.

Hope you talk with your T and see if there is a starting point that is safe and something you can deal with.

Glad you are here, not glad for the reasons, hope you find the people here as friendly and helpful as I have. Give yourself time. This is a hard journey.
Thank you so much for your response Ladee, I just needed to reach out to somebody yesterday. I did email my T in the end too, and she replied as normal with a short yet kind and understanding reply. She said to wrap the feelings up warmly, hold their hand as I bring them on Tuesday where she will be waiting and watching out for them, and we will take care of them together.

We have gone round in circles with the best way to move forwards this last year or so, and I think the only thing we can come up with is to keep going, little by little, step by step. You are right, she does know. She knows when to let me sit with the feelings, she knows when to pull back from them. We have worked hard to build a relationship where I do think we can do this work. One of the big problems of the moment is the separation in the room. Normally we sit at a desk together so I can write and she can read it, and we do use safe touch in my therapy but at the moment we can't do either of those things and it has felt that there is a huge chasm between us. We have also just had a three month break due to Covid (phone appointments wouldn't be helpful for me I don't think).

That's a good idea, to start with the letter. But I wonder if it might be too much. I will ponder that though, thank you.

My T has definitely said that I don't have to disclose everything, but I really do want to tell my story. It's a fine line between staying safe and holding on to the feelings. I want to let them out at last and feel like last session we made a start on that. The Teenage part of me (I think we do part work too) that is harbouring all of this is really not in a good place, and T said that maybe we start there. Start with trying to help her see a point to life.

Again, thank you so much, it will be good to have a place to 'talk', to release a little I think, and to find some common ground with people too maybe. It helps me to see I am not the only one on this difficult journey.
 

Waterbear

Confident
Yep, it is a long and hard road. You don't seem to get anywhere and then you look back and see a difference. It's hard to see progress when you are in the middle of it.
This! Thank you. I need reminding of this sometimes. I saw it with my other 'issues' for sure. Didn't feel like we were getting anywhere at all and then all of a sudden I looked back and thought WOW, we have come a long long way and made so many changes. Thank you

Yes @Waterbear it is terrifying. I just got there with my T a couple weeks ago. It was horrible, painful, and terrifying, and if I said I wasn't a frightened little kid in a hospital bed with patches on both eyes again for most of the next couple sessions and weeks I would be lying.
If that stuff is there deal with it - somehow your head knows when its time to deal with those memories.
Thank you Freddyt: It just takes you right back there doesn't it. My T just said not to forget that these feelings have been protected and preserved because they had nowhere to go when I was younger. No-one to talk to/work things through with, so they will be intense, just as I experienced them originally. I am so sorry you are going through it again. Hopefully you are coming out the other side? It's tough tough work but I think you are right that if it is there, deal with it. Thank you.
 

Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
I’m sorry because I know trust the process and being patient sound so frustrating when you are having those feelings. I wrote your post on here or very similar posts over and over. Even then I was avoiding it, looking in the wrong place. I couldn’t write it down because I knew someone would find it and read it back to me. I would tell the therapist little things and call her on the way home and yell at her figuratively the next week. She says I’m not crazy because the official position is I’m not. I’m not? I’ll do till crazy comes along. Those were hard years. It’ll come out in its own time you can’t force it. I know it’s really hard.
 

Waterbear

Confident
Thank you Rubacora. Maybe learning to talk about it here a bit more might help me to learn to talk about it in real life, with people face to face. I don't want it all to be a big secret anymore. I am glad you found somewhere to let it all out a little bit. Thank you.

I’m sorry because I know trust the process and being patient sound so frustrating when you are having those feelings. I wrote your post on here or very similar posts over and over. Even then I was avoiding it, looking in the wrong place. I couldn’t write it down because I knew someone would find it and read it back to me. I would tell the therapist little things and call her on the way home and yell at her figuratively the next week. She says I’m not crazy because the official position is I’m not. I’m not? I’ll do till crazy comes along. Those were hard years. It’ll come out in its own time you can’t force it. I know it’s really hard.
Thanks Mach. SO frustrating!!! Did you eventually look in the right place? Stop avoiding it? When we first started it was like it was this massive wall in front of me in my mind, what happened, and all I could do was turn away from it. I couldn't even stand there and look at it, acknowledge it. So maybe I have come a long way in that now I can look at it. I still have NO IDEA how I am supposed to get past/under/over/round/through it to the other side, but at least I can stand there and look at it for a little while now. Can I ask, why did you yell (figuratively) at your T? Were you taking your anger at what happened out on her? I was a little angry this week, more because we used to have two sessions and now only have one because she has other priorities now, and I felt left alone with all of this after we brought it all to the surface. It's so hard dealing with all the emotions isn't it. Did you manage to work things through? It sounds like you talk about it in the past tense. Thank you, not forcing it sounds right, and maybe too not placing an expectation on it. We are where we are, and we will get where we are going when we get there???
 
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